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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to put my foot down and see a friend DH doesn't approve of?

61 replies

rotool · 05/09/2010 23:46

A friend I have known for 7 years recently had an affair, it is over now and she and her husband are trying to work it out.
I haven't seen much of her on her own, usually with our children or husbands in tow, however she has asked me to go out for an evening to chat and my DH is not a happy man.
DH says I will be led astray and is worried that our friends will think I am up to no good if I am seen with her.I have never done anything for him not to trust me and am hurt that he seems not too.
DH doesn't like me to do anything without him and because of this I don't have a social life, don't have a gym membership etc etc....
AIBU to want to see my friend? I get on really well with her and enjoy her company, DH thinks we should only go out with her as couples.

OP posts:
Original poster
rotool · 06/09/2010 00:10

Do you know you guys have given me the courage to go out with my friend, God even as I am writing this I know what he is going to be like if I go.
I have told him if I don't go then I will tell her why which he didn't like but to be honest it wouldn't shock my friend as she knows what he is like.

OP posts:
Dione · 06/09/2010 00:10

Rotool check here and see if anything rings a bell.

Alambil · 06/09/2010 00:11

your choice is an exceptionally hard one; stay, don't see your friends - don't have a life and teach your DSs that this is how women are to be treated and this is how to rule a relationship ..... or leave, take them away from it and teach them that it is NOT a respectable way to behave and is to be stood up to (which is Very difficult - I know that, first hand)

But, the choice is there...

Claw3 · 06/09/2010 00:14

You dont need his permission, you are an adult.

Minxie1977 · 06/09/2010 00:14

See - when confronted he didn't like it - like all controllers he has his issues. Tell him you'll take no more, relate or divorce - his choice.

Giddyup · 06/09/2010 00:14

Just seen you have sons but no daughters, but most of my post is still relevant.

My Son and his Dad still adore each other and are very close. Now DS spends time with his Dad but day to day his blueprint for relationships is seeing a healthy, consensual, equal loving one.

AnyFucker · 06/09/2010 00:14

rotool....another place to have a look at is here

ChippingIn · 06/09/2010 00:16

rotool of course you have choices -

You can try to get him to go to councelling with you and see if you can sort things out.

You can do as you please and let him sulk.

You can leave.

You can put up with this for the rest of your life and bring up children to think this is normal.

Do you really want your sons to turn into their Dad?

Do you really want to spend your life with this man?

If the answer to either of those questions if no - then call WomensAid.

(Anyfucker - where have you been??? You've been missed around these parts!!)

Original poster
rotool · 06/09/2010 00:16

Anyfucker... it has been this way for 7 years, from when I concieved DS.. DH pays the bills, I look after the DC, I sound so weak but he is unbearable when crossed and I am exhausted from trying to fight back.
He works for his parents who live at the top of our drive and we see them every day. I am in the same position with them, my parents are not very supportive and I have no money or anywhere to go.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/09/2010 00:18

hey chipping...summer hols, innit

I am back now though Smile

ChippingIn · 06/09/2010 00:19

I don't recall signing your leave form Confused

Alambil · 06/09/2010 00:19

you don't sound weak - you sound broken :(

if you could sort money and somewhere to go, would you leave?

AnyFucker · 06/09/2010 00:21

rotool...you are also controlled by his parents

yes, you are in deep

I can see how much strength you would need to keep something of yourself together

you must speak to someone in real life...professionals who know and understand how utterly difficult it must be to stand up to controlling bullies like this

it can be done though, many women have done it

but you will need to pick up the phone and start finding out what your rights are, here

Original poster
rotool · 06/09/2010 00:22

If I had the money to give the boys the life they have now I would leave, I don't know, I am scared they will sad,angry with me. I am scared of what he will say to them

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/09/2010 00:22

chipping...I have a term-time-only contract, dontcha know

Original poster
rotool · 06/09/2010 00:24

I can't do this, it's too hard for you to understand what he is like

OP posts:
Alambil · 06/09/2010 00:26

I understand; I have been in a wholly controlling and abusive relationship myself....

it is exceptionally difficult to realise what's going on and to decide what to do - I know that, truly, but I'd hate to think of you just resigned to this life because of not knowing where to turn so please do look at those links

ChippingIn · 06/09/2010 00:27

rotool children need more than material things to make them happy and to grow up well balanced. Really - children will grow up happy and well adjusted with very few material posessions - they will not grow up to be either of those things living like this. They might be cross at first, but they will see him for what he is in time - whether you leave him or not, it's better they see him for what he is from a distance and from the POV that it is not acceptable.

ChippingIn · 06/09/2010 00:28
belledechocolatefluffybunny · 06/09/2010 00:28

rotool, you really do need to contact womens aid, they will really help you. You don't have to live like this. You do know that your profile is still up so this is a cry for help more then anything else, your eldest will understand. You need to show your younger children that men don't bully their wives. He may not hit you but he's still hurting you. It's down to you to show them that fathers and husbands should never behave this way.

ChippingIn · 06/09/2010 00:29

rotool tell us what he is like....

Giddyup · 06/09/2010 00:32

rotool he has you well and truly over a barrel... I couldn't find the courage to leave, I couldn't see how I could build my own life.

My self esteem was so low from the years of controlling that I didn't feel capable of going it alone. I also didn't feel the way he treated me was "bad enough" to warrant the upheaval for DS.

I was "lucky" that some really appalling behaviour came to light so I left finally.

I left but had to claim housing benefit for a couple of years until I sorted myself out. He would have to pay you maintenance and really you manage, you do.

I am not still "poor" everything has worked out great, but even when I was broke DS never suffered and apparently within weeks my whole body language changed.

AnyFucker · 06/09/2010 00:33

rotool...I understand exactly what he is like

if you cannot do it, then you are not ready (yet)

have a think about what might make you ready though, and whether it is safe for you to stay in that environment, waiting for things to get worse (he /threatens/mistreats the dc as a way to control you....?)

scary thoughts

my crystal ball does not not see things improving for you, unless you take steps to get you, and your boys, out of an abusive relationship

you have nothing to be ashamed of, in confiding to a professional, the awful ways in which you are being controlled (I can hazard a few guesses, sadly)

I hope you are Ok, and that you will keep up with your RL female friendships, because I have a feeling you are going to need them in the future Sad

isolation from family/friends, often on ridiculously over-dramatised pretexts is a classic controlling mechanism, and if you fall for this one, you block another avenue of normality for you

LittleMissHissyFit · 06/09/2010 00:34

AF, Glad to have you back!

AnyFucker · 06/09/2010 00:35

chipping, if you would like to also review my salary

cheers