to be really sad about what my Dad said today

[QueenSconetta]

My Dad is pretty severely disabled, he can just about move around with a zimmer in the house, but can't go out himself, and can't get out of bed on his own, struggles in the showers etc. Due to the nature of his illness he is in constant pain and his back has deformed into an extremely pronounced hunch, meaning he can't move his head. His disabilities are only physical not mental, although is a bit befuddled by medication sometimes.

Anyway, my Mum is his carer but is struggling with depression at the moment and takes it out on him. She is always very short and snappy with him, and IMO is often extremely unfair in the way she treats him (emtionally never physically) and is pretty much always shouting at him.

I try to referee but I'm not always there. But after a particularly childish reaction from my Mum following my Dad asking something, I was having a mini-rant and he said

'Its ok, I don't bleed from it, I'm alright'

It was just the resignedness of those words that broke my heart, and I feel so helpless to help either of them.

Does your Mum have any respite? There is a charity called Crossroads that may be able to help.

If they can afford it in any way shape or form it sounds like them having some paid help for your Dad could make the world of difference.

It's so for both of them.

Is there a chance that another carer could give your mum respite every now and then?

can you get them assessed by social services? TBH none of them sound like they are getting the care they need.

be prepared for social services to fobb you off, take ages coming up with an assessment, they are over stretched and pass the buck a lot. you need to fight for help for your mum and dad. phone your council tomorrow and start the ball rolling. good luck

I'm so sorry your parents (and you) are in this situation. It must be really hard for your mum - while this doesn't excuse her shouting at your dad (after all it's not his fault) it is understandable that it gets to her. Your dad seems to understand that it stems from frustration/tiredness and that she doesn't really mean it. But YANBU at all to feel sad. Not sure if you wanted answers but is there any way your parents could get any more help to give your mum a break?

do your parents get attendance allowance? it might pay for some help for them

QueenSconetta - that is very very sad. I know what that's like to watch.

Is there some way - I know how unlikely this is - that your Mum could have several weeks off on holiday without your Dad? Under similar circumstances it was the only thing that kept my Mum sane (looking after her mum). As my Dad gets older and more and more temperamental I'm thinking about how to manage it again - for each of them - Dad could seriously do with time off as well...

Thank you all. My Mum is so resistant to any kind of outside help - its impossible to get through to her.

ssd - they can't get an attendance allowance because my Mum gets a state pension, either that or its carers allowance they can't get for that reason.

Oh shit. Gosh it is depressing how things can get isn't it. Sympathies to both of them, and you...

maasivenamechange - she feels unable to do that because caring for your husband is a totally different dynamic to caring for your parent etc. I know some time off would do her good but she feels it would be really unfair to leave him at home while she went off to enjoy herself, and that some how it devalues what should be an equal relationship. I think she feels he is emasculated enough as it is.

What she seems to miss is that they have very little realtionship now and they might have a better relationship if she were to have some arranged respite.

Could you book a mother daughter surprise weekend away for her birthday or something, from your Dad? Assuming that your Dad would be happier for to have a break.

it will be carer's allowance she can't get for that reason - hopefully he does get Attendance Allowance. If not you need to apply. It's not means tested.

didldidi - I think he does get it then as part of his DLA.

Good, DLA is the younger person's equivalent.

have you checked that one of them can't get attendance allowance and one of them gets carers allowance? surely your mum would get carers allowance and your dad would get the highest rate of attendance allowance? try to find out about this, again phone the council, they employ people to give you advice regarding this

Aw that is such a sad thing to hear :( so sorry you're going through this. It does sound like your mum might need some more help though. SS might be worth a call. Hope it all works out for you and your family :). x

My parents are in a very similar position; my mom has finally agreed to 3 hours respite a week from Crossroads, who have been brilliant. It's so important for her to have some time to herself, even if it's just to handle chores like food shopping without the stress of leaving dad on his own. She was very reluctant at first but is now beginning to look forward to her time out each week.

I think simultaneously loving someone and being tied to them as their carer is an appalling burden for one person to shoulder.

My mom found some comfort from speaking with Macmillan, I wonder if there's any organisation like that for your father's condition?

It must be so frustrating for you to want to help them both