not to want to commit to going home for Christmas/ Mum's birthday yet?

[JaneS]

Christmas day is my mum's birthday.

Last year, DH and I stayed at home. My parents have often said how they hated their parents asking them to come home for Christmas, and also, because of DH's religion, Christmas is right in the middle of the period when he is fasting, so we felt it was ok to stay home. It was lovely.

I hate going to my parents' home as my mum is constantly on low-level anger, and it's very stressful keeping everything 'ok' - I know this isn't normal so I would rather stay away. At Christmas it's especially bad since I always end up cooking Christmas dinner as it's my mum's birthday, and also clearing the table and washing up. My brothers don't help as 'it's Christmas'.

So, this year I fully planned to stay home with DH. My parents have done a huge amount of building work on their house, and they keep saying how nice it will be for all of us children when we come 'home' with our partners. My big brother's asked us a while ago to keep early January free, so we could all meet up at my parents' house.

Now - excitingly - he's just told us he is planning to marry his girlfriend in Germany at that time, so we're all invited over there. This is wonderful, but my parents seem to expect that DH and I will not only take time off for the wedding, but also for DH's Christmas (6th-7th January), and for some time to spend with them over Christmas.

I feel that if I go and see them on Christmas day (which is really the only time DH has left free), I'll end up cooking and cleaning and also watching my mum have a huge temper tantrum as she does every year. They've made it clear that they want me and DH to visit together so they can show off the alterations they've made to the house and 'make us feel at home'.

Am I being very selfish to not want to go to visit them, even though they've just finished this new building?

YANBU. It's your Christmas and you're entitled to spend it how you want. Just tell them you can't get enough time off work for Christmas as well as the wedding.

Nope, its your Christmas too. Tell them you'll be seeing them very shortly afterwards and stick to your guns.

The thing is Top, it's DH's time. I'm a student so my time is flexible - but to be honest I don't like spending Christmas without him. I don't know if that's silly or not.

Yanbu
can you agree to see the house another time?

Can you invite them to you instead??

I use the excuse that 'i like father christmas to come down my chimney' for the ds's. But anyone who wants to is welcome to come and stay at ours instead.

It's not at all silly to want to spend Christmas with your DH!! Just tell them DH can't get time off work for Christmas and the wedding as well. Your parents obviously want to see you together, so maybe arrange to go and see them in a couple of months when you won't have the stress of it being Mum's birthday/Christmas.

Compo, it's not really that they want me to see the house - it's that they want to welcome all their 'children' back. They like the idea of all of us getting together.

I am not doing AIBU by stealth, but I can explain why I don't have so much desire to go there. When I brought my then DP home, they'd only got so far as re-doing my (absent) brother's room, so DP and I shared a single bed covered in mouse poo. It would be fair to say they're not entirely sane!

I just feel sad because they're so thrilled to have finally ripped out the ancient bathroom with the electrics under the bath, and they're really sure that a new kitchen will mean that leaving food out uncovered won't by unhygenic any more. It's hard to know what to say - at the base level, of course, we've all left home and don't care about where they cook, but they don't understand that.

hairy, I don't have DCs yet - trying!

Does this change where you think I should go?

well probably makes my excuse less plausible, unless you still beleive in him obviously!

If he cant get the time off (or you tell them that) then fair enough to prefer to spend xmas with him. As a peace offering i would say make a definite date for when you do go down though. But you will have to go down at some stage though and it is her birthday??

How far is it, could you have xmas am at ours then arrive later in day at theirs (and miss all hte cooking!)?

Mmm, hairy, I see where you're coming from, but I really want to avoid going there at all. I know it's her birthday.

We couldn't go and miss the cooking - my mum is evangelical about cooking. If you come for the day, you must arrive around 10am earliest and stay the night. If you say you're leaving the same day, you will be constantly offered wine, and eventually, when you leave, they'll call you every hour or so to see if you're home yet.

1. Say DH can't get time off
2. Don't feel guilt tripped
3. Arrange to go down for a w/e some time before Christmas to take present and see house.

It's sad but christmasses change and family traditions have to move one. Yes it's easier to be firm about not going visiting when you have children, but maybe getting off to a good start on this is the way to go.

And I know what you mean about the low-level anger - no fun, especially when it seems to be up to you to mediate everyone else's day. Let 'em manage without you and start to get used to it.

Oh, that's a good idea - I'd not thought of going down beforehand but it'd work well. Thanks katisha, I think that's the answer.

Hoorah!

If hte day trip is not an option then yes what katisha says. Be firm...and it gets them used to the idea for when you do have dc's!!

Thanks hairy, katisha!