to think it should be OK to pick a private school for my children

[tweelife]

Hi all, this is my first post here, so hello. I need honest opinions on something.

DD is an August baby and is starting reception year tomorrow at a state school.

I inherited a generous amount of money a few weeks back and DH and I have been talking about sending her to a private school we have in mind, given that we can afford to do the same for DS in a couple of years. We have made an appointment with the school for this week (I know, a bit late) so we were considering of maybe not sending DD to the state school this week until we make a desicion and we'd send her either here or there next week.

I was having a morning coffee with some other mum friends today and two of them attacked me as to how pretentious it is to send my children to a private school, a waste of money and that the only way for the education system to improve is for people to stop privately educating their children, so that all private schools close (yeah, that's gonna happen)

I don't look down on state schools, I went to a state school and did fantastically academically. A lot depends on the stimulation and support children get at home. At the end of the day my children might not want to follow academic careers, a university place is not the reason I picked this school.

I didn't expect this money though and I this is how DH and I will probably choose to invest it. AIBU to not want to feel guilty about giving my kids a private education, it's not like I'm the only one in the country.

Tweelife you should not feel guilty at all so long as you believe that you are making the best decision. Do consider the whole thing not just the school itself.

• will the school involve lots of travel each day or is it quite convenient?
• will you children still be able to play with local children or will their social life be driven by the school? Where we live the children go to lots of different schools so this isnt an issue.
• will the schoolsuit both children? A good friend of mine sent his two older children to a highly academic school but their third child couldnt reach the same standard so was eventually told to leave and continue his education elsewhere?
• what does the private school give which is extra or better than the state school? Are these things you could provide anyway? You could look at using the money to provide the extras of your choice (quality holidays to interesting destinations, music lessons etc etc)

It is entirely a personal choice with long term consequences. You should not feel guilty whatever you decide.

YANBU to do what you think is best, your money, your children :)

However, a private education is not the only (nor necessarily the best) thing you could do with the money to help your DC 'get ahead'. You need to think very carefully about other things you could do with the money that could help them more.

There's no need to rush into anything - take your time to do your research and consider your options.

you shouldn't feel guilty as it is totally up to you
however do make sure the school you choose is the best one for your DD. DD1 had a place at a private school as back up but we got our first choice state so she went there. 2 years later I am so glad, the private school would have been the wrong choice for her in so many ways, the main one being that it is all girls and she gets on so much better with the boys than girls! Many of my friends with children at private school would not have sent them if they had got into the state primary of their choice.

What makes you think the private school will be better?

So i would def send her to her state school this week. If you decide to send her private she can go in a week, month, term or next year. In this area the best private schools have waiting lists, if you can get her straight in i would be a bit wary of how good it is!

YANBU but I'd save the money for senior school if there's any possibility that money is going to be tight later on.

My dd goes to a private school and has thrived. We did get a place at the much sought after local school but feel that the small class sizes and friendly atmosphere beat it hands down.
She still plays with children who don't go to her single sex school and their relationships haven't changed. She has grown in confidence and has blossomed at the school and we are grateful that we made the decision to move her after she spent a year at a state nursery which spent more time worrying about ticking boxes than they did on how she was settling in.
We also had a few raised eyebrows when we told our friends she was going to her school and it can be a conversation stopper at parties but I really don't care. She is happy and so are we. She is not a social experiment.

well... I have now been thinking that maybe they invited us to have a look for next year? So maybe DD should go to her stte school tomorrow? Thankfully she's always been a child that takes change to her stride and adjusts easily, so the possible change of school might not be such a deal next year. I suppose I was thinking I wouldn't want her to make friends and then lose them.

The school I'm talking about is about half an hour away, though the state she's due to go to is about 20 minutes, so no biggie. Actually the private one is on my way to work and I could drive her there if there are breakfast clubs.

The reason I like this particular school (not any private school as long as it's private) is that they view teaching as an interactive thing, while many of the state schools don't. I don't know what her state school is like because I think that test results are irrelevant. I'm of the opinion that children should be encouraged to develop according to their personal characteristics and strenghts, their individual interests. Whether they decide to be highly paid lawyers or minimum wage builders should be based on them having hte opportunity to discover what makes them happy. And unfortunately a lot of the time in state schools a lot depends on the individual teacher, so it might be great one year and rubbish the next.

It's a sum of money large enough for us to put both kids in private all the way to GCSE's and A levels if they choose to.

I'm now thinking though that maybe if they went state for primary it would mean that I can invest the fees money on something else, or it could be for them to have once they're 18 and spend as they choose (on uni, deposit on a first flat, maybe a little car).

Thank you all for your opinions, will talk to DH, I think DD will go tomorrow..

Also, I wouldn't feel guilty about sendign my children there, I just felt that it wasn't right they were trying to make me feel that way.

We were very lucky, I'm not ungrateful and it has opened many opportunities to us as a family, private schooling being one of them.

YADNBU you should do the best you can for your children and if you didn't you'd be failing them as a parent. Take no notice of anyone who says otherwise as they are probably just envious (I say this as someone who went to an inner city comprehensive btw) as it is your job to give your children the best start in life.

I'm slightly surprised that you say you 'don't know what her state school is like', presumably you had a look around and a chat before you signed her up?

Don't worry about what mums say at coffee mornings. They are being incredibly rude to even comment.

Check out your finances carefully to ensure that you can make it all the way through school, as once you are in the private system, you won't want to leave.

If your finances are at all dodgy, then defer the entrance for a few years, maybe year 3 or year 5, or when your DS enters reception.

There is nothing wrong with putting an inheritance towards school fees. Your ancestor woud probably be very happy about it.

Send your dd tomorrow, you'd be mad not to if you haven't even seen the private school.
If you absolutely adore the private school you can move her after a day/three weeks whatever if there's a space.

My dd's state school absolutely views teaching as interactive, so don't write off the state until you've tried it and had a flavour of the teachers in action. Honestly in reception it really doesn't make a huge difference where they go and the money, imo, would be much much better spent on a deposit on a first flat or whatever. This is from someone who attended the most elite private schools imaginable and now has dcs in state out of choice so I'm in a fairly good position to compare the two

well you cannot really expect people who cannot provide this privilege for their children to be happy that others can and to be accepting and generous about our two-tier (or more) education system. I can understand you choosing the independent sector but I'm surprised that you didn't expect to get your friends' backs up.

" I'm slightly surprised that you say you 'don't know what her state school is like', presumably you had a look around and a chat before you signed her up?"

yes, I had a look, we got our second choice that we're ok with. That doesn't mean that I know what her teacher is going to be like, OFSTED points can be misleading. I know the same can be true for private schools, is just THIS particular private school I'm thinking about has an entirely different philosophy that seems to coincide with mine and DH's philosophy about what's important in life

I think in any school a lot depends on the individual teacher.

Go for the best school you can for your child, and reassess which school at each level. Our experience is that in England at least, most people are entrenched in one type of school.

Although everyone talks of being open to any type of school as long as it is "good" in practice they buy into a particular type of school.

So develop a tough exterior, because whatever you choose you will upset someone.

With my elder DS we upset everyone, as his schooling went like this:

(1) State primary, our local one, which everyone said was failing. Having secured a place at another state primary universally acclaimed as good, we actually chose the local one, as it seemed to us to be the better school, and indeed the best in our area including private.

So we upset friends who are committed to private.

(2) Passed 11+ as well as entrance to highly selective independent school. Chose grammar school.

This choice seems to have upset nobody.

(3) Sixth form at Eton college.

Upset just about everyone....even those committed to private! Presume this is because Eton is perceived as too posh?

Every decision was taken with a great deal of thought, and we regret nothing. Choosing the best education for your children is nothing to do with winning the approval of your friends.

The dreadful truth IMHO is that most people don't carefully define what they mean by "good" as in "a good school". They are more influenced by social cachet, political mantra etc.

Ask people why they chose a given school for their child, and they will inevitable reply that it is a good school. Probe further as to why, in their opinion, it is good and they will probably grind to a halt.

However, ask them why they bought their current car, or why they booked their most recent holiday, and you will perhaps get a deeper answer.

Sad but true.

Ah, I see. If you feel the particular school you have in mind offers something that you wouldn't get elsewhere, then fair enough. Is it that the kids get a lot of autonomy in their learning, Montessori maybe? I could maybe be swayed by something like that, but otherwise would feel private at primary a bit pointless.

Thinking about it, not sure how much use seeing round DDs school was, think my main impression was "OMG I'm glad I don't work in a room with thirty four-year-olds!"

also don't underestimate how much uni is going to cost in 15 years time. we are going the way of America fast.
another reason why state primary is a good idea if your kids are fairly bright anyway!

I guess it depends on how easily you'd be able to afford university. If you couldn't easily finance it then it would result them having to get into debt probably better to do state primary and then private secondary and keep the money to fund university.

My parents did this as my grandma gave them money - (state primary and private secondary, and then totally funded my university) - it is great finishing university with no debt. I would not have thanked them for a private primary school then then university debt.

In your calculations you've factored the higher fees costs as they go up the school and % increases?

Definitely send dd to her state primary in case a) the place is not for this year b) you're not impressed.

I went to a private school for secondary and did well academically but that was where the focus was- doing well in exams. Those who didn't do as well were made to feel a bit crap. In fact even though I got As I still feel now I should be at the top of my game which doesn't really go with spending time with my dcs.
It's a difficult one because I think young people do need pressure to pull their finger out; I certainly had no motivation of my own to do well but knew it had to be done.
My younger sister on the other hand went state and left after GCSE where I think she got a D and an E. She was not interested in doing anything and did not find what interests her.
I have also taught in both private and state primary schools. My first job was in the private school with 18 girls which was an absolute joy to teach- no real behavioural issues at all and no pushiness from parents. Something I always notice when I teach there is the confidence the girls have. But there is still a pressure there to do well academically, even from a young age, partly simply because the average level is quite high.

My kids go to the local state which I am really happy with. I also teach them informally at home, as many parents do. For me going private is an option I would consider later on at Secondary age if an issue should arise e.g. within the peer group or if they start pissing about!

Personally I would keep dd where she is if she's happy and learning. Don't be surprised if the private school looks all clean and inviting, a lot of state schools are quite rundown but don't judge on appearances, judge on how your daughter gets on. Save your money for when they are a bit older, that's what I'd do anyway. Good luck.

Personally I never understand why people make choices based on anything other than the best school available to them for their particular child.
Chosing that your child will attend a private school until you have actually visited all the schools available ( including state) seems to me to be incredibly stupid.
I would feel atotal berk if I were spending my money on a private school without seeing that it was the best option for my childs needs. And I say that as someone who has two out of three of my children in independent schools.