to end this friendship?

[LittleSilver]

OK, bit of back story.

Went to uni with Friend. Got on well with her, used to see her a lot more when just had DD1 (who was born whilst at uni). She was there at DDs2 and 3's birth, and DD2's godmother.

She's always been incredibly disorganised ditzy and a bit thoughtless but it never used to bother me as much as it does now. Like, she kept on telling me about this "Come Dine with Me" dinner parties she was doing, but never invited us.

Probably because I am now expecting DC4, have 2 jobs and am just finishing off an open university degree, my time is limited. She lives with her fiance and has no kids yet.

I posted a while back about how we (her, her DF, another DF and her DH) had arranged to have a BBQ, and we booked the date 14 weeks in advance (DH work 1 w/end a month, I work 2, we are limited as to when we can do). She then asked me to re-sched the BBQ at the last minute to a Friday lunchtime (DH WORKS!), and then change the times on a Sunday so she could make another BBQ she wanted to go to. For various reasons (church commitments, DF2 couldn't make it) I said no, and we ended up cancelling, which I was really peed off about.

Since then she's left messages on my FB wall saying "Call me!" - well, why? She doesn't call me, didn't bother ringing/visiting after DD3 was born for 3 MONTHS and just generally hasn't bothered.

DH saw her last week and told her I'd call her. I was FURIOUS and told him he actually had no right to do that. he maintains I should call her as "You know what she's like, she's always dizzy". Yes, but when is that an excue to be rude?

TB brutally H, there is a part of me that's a bit jealous. Money is incredbly tight with us and she is forever suggesting we go share a chalet together and go ski-ing, like next week. Forgetting the 3 kids and work bit .

I sound horrible don't I?

YABU.

Friendships change over time, it seems like you & she have a very different lifestyle at the moment. In my opinion though, that's no reason to cut off a friend who's stuck by you for so many years. It just means that for a few years you just won't hang out so much. No big problem, we see some friends at times more than others.

It may be that in a few years time the two of you will become closer again (eg if she has childen). Or maybe not. But I really don't see what she's done that's so terrible that you're willing to 'end a friendship' that's survived for so many years.

How about just putting it on hold for a decade or so?
It sounds as if you are currently incompatible, but still like each other. Downgrade the intensity of the friendship and it might survive until you've got more breathing space or she's got a lot more on her plate and understands a bit more.
You don't sound horrible at all, you just have a very different life.

I'd post a msg back on FB, keep it bright and breezy but leave it with the ball in her court. Something like "We must catch up, but I'm snowed under at the moment. Let's have lunch? Give me a ring with a date that suits you." I can't stand it when people say "Call me" or "Give me a ring if you want to meet up" I always think it's lazy and puts the onus on you to make all the arrangements!
If she's always been like this though, then it's your circumstances changing that have caused your fury. I can well understand that you're too busy and skint to do the stuff she does, but as her lifestyle hasn't changed she probably doesn't understand what a big deal it is to you.

I'm going to be a devil's advocate here - while it sounds like she's a bit of a PITA, as you yourself have said, she's always been like this, so actually she hasn't changed, but your circumstances have (therefore the impact is greater).

She may well be asking you to call her as I imagine with your complicated work schedule and 4 DCs that your 'free' time to chat is more limited than hers. My sister always seems a bit busy when I call her, so often I leave it to her to call me when she has the time.

The money thing must be very annoying and again I cite my situation with my sister who earns a lot more than us, her house is huge, holidays are more exotic etc etc. But she is understanding of our situation (after I pointed it out a few years back). Surely if you suggest cheap and cheerful activities for you to do (maybe just the two of you? she may be missing that aspect of your former uni-days friendship) it would help?

I'm not saying YAB totally U, but I think that taking a step back might help.

Let her go.
You many not want to, but i would tell her in a very controlled, non condemnation way, what she does that gets on your nerves. it would get on my nerves.

your lives are just incompatible at the moment. or maybe she is just inherently selfish.
maybe let it go now, politely (less-is-more, in these situations)and pick it up when she has children ?

YANBU

It is entirely up to you who you choose to be friends with. If the relationship has petered out then it doesn't sound like the issue is really worth pushing. Even if you did push to keep the relationship going, it would all niggle at you and lead to escalated problems later. Lets' face it, you're not MARRIED to her! don't feel guilty about sacking her off

I cannot be bothered with friends like this. People shouldn't let you down and change plans at the last minute. If I do get a friend like this, it lasts for a while but I do get fed up then let go.

It sounds like you are at the end of your tether with the friendship tbh. Let her go. She will always be the same.

With 4 dc's & a uni course I can't see how you'll have time to shit, shave or shower never mind keep in touch with hour friend . I would probably let the friendship cool rather than end it all together. I'm always up front with friends who are financially better off - I just say I'd love to do whatever they're suggesting but can't afford it. I don't know why you even considered re-arranging your bbq for her _ I'd have politely told her to FO & gone ahead with those who could make it.

No you don't sound horrible at all and I think you are not being unreasonable. I also think she is not being a friend. "Forgetting" to invite you to the dinner parties she boasts about and not bothering to consider your schedule by changing dates at the last minute and never calling you suggest to me that perhaps she's not really too worried whether she sees you or not. That isn't friendship. Friends want to speak to and be with each other. It sounds like she's just going through the motions and letting you do all the actual work. Talk is cheap.

I wouldn't be too cross with hubby about telling her you'd call. It's a perfect opportunity for you to not call and see if she gets the message (or even notices). To anybody attuned to someone outside herself, it sends a clear signal. I wouldn't even bother writing on her Facebook wall. Let her make the effort for once. And if she doesn't, that sends a clear signal too. Actually it sounds like she's been sending them for some while.

Friendships do change over time but that's because people change. Balance out the number of hours (days?) you spend having bad feelings because of her, compare them to the good ones, and see which outweighs which. Sometimes friends just grow apart. If there's no real connection between you anymore (only you can really answer that) then why cling on to something that's dead? Cut her loose and move on. I really think you will feel better overall.

Thanks for all those POV. Will just let it die down I think. Oh well.

The two of you have moved apart, it often happens.

Only you can decide if this is a friendship you want to try to hold onto.

Its sad, but inevitable sometimes when the things that made you friends aren't there any more.

Let the friendship go but don't get in touch with her to officially sack her as a friend. There is no way of doing this without making yourself look like a needy self-obsessed whinyarse.

You've got to stop mincing your words SGB

Lee32 has summed up my thoughts exactly!