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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to hit FIL over the head with a rolling pin

23 replies

rmm · 04/09/2010 15:14

AIBU to want FIL to treat my space with the same respect that he does with DH?
Everytime he comes over when DH is home he will ring the door bell and wait for someone to open the front door.
If DH isnt home and i'm home alone, then he lets himself in through the back!!!
I think i have long rooted issues with FIL but this really winds me up.
So does the fact that whenever he warns DD its always me thats the bad person eg. "If you dont eat your food quickly, mummy will get cross!"
Or "if you make a mess mummy will be really upset"

Why is it never the dad thats the baddie
AIBU???

OP posts:
taintedpaint · 04/09/2010 15:25

YANBU but can't you just lock the back door? That said, what the hell are his issues with being polite to men but not women? Is he a bit pervy with you? Maybe he's hoping to catch you in a state of undress (vile of him if it is that).

The issues with the way he speaks to your DD seem to be suggesting that he either wants to be seen as wonderful to his son, or he feels that the woman's role is to take care of the children. Does he ever see your DH discipline your DD or deal with her one on one?

taintedpaint · 04/09/2010 15:26

Btw, how does he speak to you otherwise and what are the long rooted issues you have? I don't mean to be nosey, but is this all part of a bigger issue?

FranSanDisco · 04/09/2010 15:26

Maybe he thinks you're up to bedroom antics when dh is home Grin. Lock the back door next time?

Original poster
rmm · 04/09/2010 15:44

He has the back door keys!!
How do i ask for them back, without seeming rude?

Since i'm a sahm i'm also the one that disciplines the kids the most. DH spends so little time with kids that most times its all fun and games with their dad, so i guess thats how he sees the relationship. I want dd to have quality time with their dad but i dont always want to feel like im the baddie in the relationship! Rightnow i could rival the wicked witch of the west.

FIL is a very typical old fashioned person and whilst we have a civil relationship its neither warm nor real.
He's argumentative and stubborn and always has to be right and i guess im rather hot tempered as well and hold my ground.

I would never be unfaithful and so find it really odd how fil lets himself in will help himself to food etc (not that i resent him eating) but will never do that when DH is around.

He's come upstairs a couple of times until i told dh i was uncomfortable with this and so it has stopped for a couple of weeks (not holding my breath that it will last!)

OP posts:
5Foot5 · 04/09/2010 15:48

Get a bolt for the back door. Really. Don't worry about seeming rude - he is being rude for just letting himself in.

And helping himself to food Shock

sanielle · 04/09/2010 15:50

Just tell him it scares you when he does it? would freak me out!? Have DH tell him you are worried about anything. Otherwise change the llocks and dont say anything!

Also why is he coming round at all if DH isnt there and you havent got a good relationship?

pjmama · 04/09/2010 15:50

Change the back door locks, tell him someone tried to break in so that's why you did it and forget to give him a key.

Job done! Wink

diddl · 04/09/2010 15:51

I wouldn´t be comfortable with that at all.

Take the keys back-or change the lock & don´t get around to giving him a new key.

I think the fact that he has come upstairs is reason enough tbh-why the fuck would he do that?

Ishouldprobablywax · 04/09/2010 15:51

I think it's more to do with you being a woman to be honest- when dh is there he is respectful, but when te little lady is in he's the man of the house iyswim?

Plumm · 04/09/2010 15:52

Just ask him for his keys back (I don't understand why people with a problem with asking for the keys to their own house). If he asks why, tell him.

taintedpaint · 04/09/2010 15:54

Either bolt the door, get a second lock, or forget and leave your own keys in the lock on the inside. Or get your DH to speak to him. He must have more respect for you, this can't go on. I'm Angry for you tbh. If he's the type of person who can be retrained (Grin), a few weeks of being 'accidentally' blocked from accessing your home at his whim might do the trick without anyone having to say anything to him, but your DH having a word might have to happen to solve this.

diddl · 04/09/2010 15:55

I´m also wondering why your husband thinks it´s acceptable for his father to let himself in & stroll upstairs.

belgo · 04/09/2010 15:55

Keep the keys in the back door, or get a hook and eye lock. And agree with Ishouldproberlywax - does he consider you dh to be the owner of the house, and not you?

Original poster
rmm · 04/09/2010 16:13

This is a discussion DH and i have had many times.
DH feels his parents should have a set of keys in case of an emergency.
I understand however my ILs seem to wander in and out at will.
DH has spoken to them and so some boundries have been set, which will be followed for a while and then ignored again.
I dont think FIL has much respect for women. If he drops anything off for DH it will be cellotaped and stapled!!
We've been married for 10 years!!
I guess today has just really wound me up and then telling DDs to be good or mummy will get cross!
The kids love their GP but i just feel suffocated and very negetive when i spend much time with them.
Its alot better. When i first got married MIL would rearrange my pantry without my permission or knowledge.
It never really bothered me then.
But now it does!
They are Dhs parents so what do i do?

OP posts:
onepieceoflollipop · 04/09/2010 16:18

If you don't want to confront this, then just fit a very simple lock/bolt (even a hook and eye type will do the trick)

If he challenges you when he can't get in, just say very vaguely (and repeat as necessary) that you were advised to do so as added security measure. No one could argue with this.

Katisha · 04/09/2010 16:18

I think you have just got to tell him what you have told us.
Just sit him down and tell him.
He will probably roll his eyes etc but tough. He's never going to work it all out on his own.

TheCrackFox · 04/09/2010 16:21

Put a chain on the back door. You will not need to change the locks or ask for keys back.

tinky19 · 04/09/2010 16:27

YANBU. Going up stairs Shock. I think that is totally out of order. Change the locks and get a bolt but I think you need to say something, it's just not on!
I think people should phone before they visit anyway, never mind knocking.

diddl · 04/09/2010 16:36

Does your husband not feel absolutely outraged on your behalf, OP?

I suppose his dad has told him it saves you having to come to the door with young children when you are on your own.

If you tell your husband that it makes you uncomfortable, then thatshould be enough.

Does FIL just turn up at any old time & let himself in, then-so you might be showering, dressing-walking about naked?

hystericalmum · 04/09/2010 16:42

Kill him! Noone should let themselves in your house unless they live there.

Conundrumish · 04/09/2010 16:51

If they were my in-laws I think I would emigrate. I think you are very tolerant!

mamas12 · 04/09/2010 16:57

Why don't become a nudist and then let him walk in on you once.

He won't do it again!

Seriously, get a bolt or chain and insist that your dh understands this. It is a matter of respect and neither of them are showing you any atm

SauvignonBlanche · 04/09/2010 17:06

A simple bolt or chain will stop him.

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