to be fed up with being the baddie

[2shoes]

(back ground I am the only driver, dh can't drive due to health reasons, dd is severely disabled and in a wheelchair.)

once again I am being made to feel bad.
bil has invited us to his house next weekend, as rellies are coming from abroad, up to now I was looking forward to it, it is a one and half hour drive each way and once there dd will have to stay in her chair as the have wooden floors(and dogs)
MIL has been invited to stay there over night, but due to her own issues she doesn't want to as she can't manage thier stairs.
so she wants us to take her there and back.
this will add another hour on the journey time(30 mins each way)plus the hassle of getting her into our big van and out again.
this happens every time, recent family wedding, same thing(I said no to taking her and SIL was angry!! we did bring her home though)
also it means we can't just go when dd has had enough, we have to wait until Mil wants to go(this happened at the wedding)

why can't I just be invited because they want me there, rather than as a sodding taxi come carer.
and why can't I ever put dd first or be given a sodding break(will get no help from them when there, dh helps obviously)

rant over.
(ps I love my MIL)

I would meet her half way and say you will drive her, but only if she comes with you when you are ready to go, not the other way round.

So swallow the extra hour of the journey, but have everything else on your terms.

YANBU

2shoes - you and I don't seem to agree on much on MN :)

However, AIBU - I am the only driver, dh can't drive due to health reasons, dd is severely disabled and in a wheelchair pretty much anything after that would be met, by me, with a YANBU if it makes your life one scrap more difficult than it is already.

Why can't your DD lay down on a sofa? (Genuine Q, not sure what her SN are).

Do the family know what you would like them to do, to help. Sometimes people need asking to do specific things (the first time) else they just flounder....

Is the real issue that you don't want to do the extra hour (which is kind of reasonable with DD in the van, depending on how she is travelling) or that you feel they only invite you to be MIL's taxi?

What would your MIL do if you weren't going?

Could she get the train there and you take her home?

Anyway, if you do end up taking her, your van - you say when you are leaving, not her. End of.

yanbu to be fed up with being the baddie.

it all hangs off you and that is not fair.

have you told family what the implication is for you, dd and dh?

mil is 84 and disabled herself.
dd is mobile when out of the chair(kind of crawl) but they also have dogs, big dogs, that is fine a bil has checked about all that, but it is the dog hair that worries me, and the wooden floors, even sitting on the sofa is boring for a 15 yr old, she will get bored and then winge, so normally we would go, but as MIL hasn't seen rellies for yonks, I can imagine she will not be ready(you know what old ladies are like)
also although we have a WAV it is very hard for her too climb into.

omg I sound like IABU I feel unreasonable.
I sound like a selfish cow.
but they don't help.
dd love BIL and he will make a fuss of her, the teen cousens will ignore her, ds(18) will just be ignoring teen cousens lol,.........

Well, actually, you just sound tired, stressed and confused.

You said in the OP that you had been looking forward to it - so other than taking your MIL what has changed?

Is there something about your DD's SN's that make dog hair a serious problem or do you just really not like dogs/dog hair etc? If it's not a serious problem for DD then why not just say to your BIL that you want to be able to put DD on the floor so could he possibly make sure the floor is as free of dog hair as possible.

Once again, the floor hasn't changed since you were looking forward to going?!

... and again... I don't know what SN's your DD has, but what would she normally do at home so that she isn't bored? Isn't there anything you can do or take for her - even a DVD and you can move things around so it's not bothering anyone else too much?

...and well, it's tha WAV or nothing isn't it - you can't change your car to suit her/them

Isn't there anyone who could come and pick her up and take her home? One of the younger family members who would be only too happy to go for a long drive??

I'm going to say it again and I'm going to be even more blunt this time. Tell them exactly what you want them to do, what would HELP you - you are simmering because they don't help - but to be honest, they probably don't have a clue what to do to help. It doesn't sound like you see that much of them, so your DD is bigger/older everytime they see her - they probably don't know what's appropriate, what's helpful and what's interfering, rude and inappropriate... be specific in what you want them to do for you.

Why do the teen cousins ignore her - why has this been allowed to happen? (by the whole family, not just you?).

2shoes - I'm not picking you apart - honest. Just trying to help by separating out the different issues you have here!

Also - I don't care how ready MIL is to leave, either she leaves when you are ready and she stays over and makes other arrangements to get home!!

no real reason for the dog hair thing, they keep a tidy house, but I think really it is the wooden floors.
dd like to be in amongst us,(she has CP) so no doubt due to the fact they have a lovely big kitchen diner( ) we will be in there, so dd will want to stay in her chair to be part of it, she will be ok untill she has had enough she is just a typical teen, just when she is bored she winges) so like all parents of teens when they get shitty you leave(bit like toddlers:o)
they just don't help, no idea why, maybe cos there isn't much they can do in reality(although in dream land the boys would occupy her a bit, but the are 14/16/19 so that won't happen) they have never interacted with her, we didn't see them for a while as happens, but they have always known her (other older cousens are fine with her) I think sil just always put it down to them being boys,
damm the rellies for coming the week after me having her home for 6 weeks.

ds is going to be there, so I will get him to take his lap top and get him to occupy her a bit.

I hope you do go and have a nice day - just don't forget - your van, your departure time .

Another suggestion, which might be worse not better could MIL stay over with you so it's just a short trip the next day to take her home? Just a thought...

she is about an hour from us and half an hour from BIL, and bloody hard work:o
Thanks for all that you have said,
I have decided that I am to wound up, so have told dh to tell her we can't give an answer yet(if she has to know now she can ring BIL) we will sort it out mid week when dd is back at school and we are calmer.
thanks again

Probably a wise decision the end of the school holidays is no time to be asking anyone for favours!!

I suppose though (as you do love her - even though she's a pain in the arse) at 84 you are lucky to still have her :)

oh I am, she is one of the good MIL, she hates being a "burden"