To think that MIL should of handled this differently...

[KiKa20]

I'll start by saying my MIL is lovely. She does alot for us and I am extremely greatful.
However, a few weeks ago she and FIL took DSD (5) out for the day.
When we were talking about it she mentioned that when they we're out DSD had said to her "Girls can marry girls and boys can marry boys, can't they Nanny?"
MIL then replied to DSD that no they can't not really.
I said that she shold of said yes they can and left it at that instead of making DSD think that they can't? Both PIL are very old fashioned and don't really agree with being gay/lesbian. MIL then said to me that she thought DSD said it because she wanted to marry a princess that was there on their day out. I told her that if DSD said she wanted to marry the princess that is fine and completely acceptable for her to say/think things like that.

AIBU in thinking that DSD should know that yes infact girls can marry girls and boys can marry boys?

I think it annoyed me because my cousin is gay and what am I meant to say to her if he ever comes round with a partner if she has been told its wrong by nanny and grandad?

i don't think it matters that much. your MIL did what she thought was the right thing.

you can put it right if your daughter asks again and it will be fine

Yes I suppose you are right. I think I just get on my high horse about things like that as I was brought up to be very open minded.
Thanks:o

YANBU I think a simple 'yes' would have been fine really. She's only 5 and has no real concept of adult relationships. My ds, 4, tells me that he's going to marry me when he's older but I haven't rushed him to counselling to be treated for incestuous (sp?) thoughts.

My dc is 7 and thinks she can marry her teacher if she wants to. She hasn't a notion what it means really.

Tbh, I don't think I'd be champing at the bit to explain civil partnerships to my dc. I think what you say depends on how you feel about it too, eg, Stephen Gately had a legal partner, or a husband.

I totally agree with your point of view, my ds1 (4) asked if girls could marry girls and boys marry boys and we said that yes sometimes boys love boys etc. and do get married. We left it at that and he was happy with the answer. I'm happy to answer any questions as I am aware the next question will be something like can a cow marry a dinosaur, he likes to ask questions rather than really want to know the answer at this point.

With regards to your mil's answer I would just accept that she is going to give the old fashioned answer and hopefully any more questions that your dsd has will come to you rather than her. Your dsd will soon learn when she's bigger who to ask questions to when she really wants to find out information about something.

x

lol, absolutely curly, "can a cow marry a dinosaur?!" you spend 25 minutes explaining patiently about civil partnerships and that would be the next question!

At that age they have no idea what it all means, just tell her Nanny/Granny got a bit confused and of course boys can marry boys and girls can marry girls or even (so I'm told!!) Scooby Doo (don't ask!!)

Well this is quite difficult. Is it possible she gave the answer thinking literally that men can't marry men (and the same for women)? Strictly speaking, she's correct I suppose, when you refer to the terminology. That said, when the child in question is only five years old, my personal belief is that it's better to streamline responses. There's no point getting into the technicalities of civil partnership vs marriage when all the LO wanted was a simple answer (which needed to be age appropriate).

Has your DSD actually been told it's wrong by the PILs? Or are you getting this inference simply from what was said on the day out? MIL clearly knows now what you want your DSD to her, so hopefully there won't be any future issue.

"MIL then replied to DSD that no they can't not really."

Of course, this is the correct answer. Men can't marry men, and women cannot marry women. They can have a civil partnership though.

It is not a difficult concept, and it is one my six year old understands. She knows that a civil partnership is a bit like a marriage, but it doesn't happen in church, and its the name given when two people of the same sex join together.

Of course, if you told your DD that they could marry - you would be giving your child false information. This is one of my bug bears, but why not just simplify the truth rather than saying something false? Children often understand far more than we give them credit for.

And finally, do you know that she actually said marriage was wrong to your DD? Or are you just surmising this? I would be unhappy if anyone told my DD that it is wrong - it's not their position to do so. However, there is nothing in your OP which suggests that she actually said this.

It doesn't matter. That doesn't have to be the last conversation your DSD ever has on the subject.

YABU. Your MIL just answered the question in a way she thought was right at the time.

YABU ur mil said her own views, she did not say anything extreme to your dc such as "no never its disgusting" she only said no not really, and technically they cant get married they can have a civil partnership. They do say in marriages its the union of one man and one woman, they say this in the ceremony itself when its registered? If you are that bothered just explain the matter to your dc, but dont feel mil has really done anything wrong here?

Well, you can't marry someone of the same sex, can you? So she gave the correct answer.

Now you have a starting point and can explain further.

MIL probably should have handeled it differently, but it's understandable that she didn't (assuming she is reasonably old).

If it comes up again, I would say yes boys can marry boys, and if she mentions that granny said differently you could explain that in the olden days that was true but now you can have boy-boy couples and girl-girl couples.

As far as a 5 year old knows (in fact as far as most adults understand it) a civil partnership is a marriage, just with a different name. Oldjolyon you have explained how a civil partnership is different to a church wedding but not how it is different to a civil wedding. Because it isn't.