To expect friend not to cancel arrangement if something else comes up?

[Dancergirl]

Dh and I are friends with 2 couples who we know from NCT days when our eldest children were born (they are now 9). We don't see each other as much as we used to but always try and make an effort at least a couple of times a year. Sometimes with children and sometimes without.

At the beginning of the summer, I thought it would be nice to have a get-together with the kids. Because we were all on holiday at different times, the earliest date we could all make was 5th September (this Sunday). Lovely, we all said - something nice to look forward to (this was around June time).

Last night I had a text from one of them and she said she was cancelling as there is a family-friendly bike ride in London that they fancy going to. Dh and I both feel a bit pissed off to be let down at the last minute when this has been booked in for ages. If it was me, I wouldn't cancel an arrangement with a friend unless for a very good reason, illness etc. Not just if something better comes up!

AIBU?

no yanbu

but she clearly doesn't value the friendship as much as you do, so i'd just let her go to be honest.

i hope you have a nice time with the other friend tho!

That is rather rude since you organised it such a long time ago. They could have at least invited everyine to do the family bike ride together.

I would be annoyed too.

Yanbu.

YANBU - don't get me started - seems all & sundry think it's acceptable to just cancel at last mo. I was brought up proper like - cancellations for biblical plagues & devastation only! A friend cried off to pick up a prescription today, another had tummy bug - am starting to think it's me

Your friends are being VERY rude - I would never cancel set plans as I 'fancy' doing something else!!

She's cancelling for a bike ride? Why were you ever friends with this person?! Cut her out before she drops you next year for something like cross stitch!

i have a friend who was like this, although she would wait till i had dragged my 3 young dc's somewhere on a bus (she has 1 dc and a car) and then ring ten minutes after meet time and say he brother had rang to meet for coffee or she fancied popping to town!

in the end i stopped making arrangments! i made it clear to her that i had plenty of other friends and didnt need her!

My (now ex) friend had a different approach to this. I'd ask her over for dins etc. Sometimes I'd ask her to choose a time to suit her (as she has a toddler), other times I'd suggest a time and ask if that worked ok for her. On all occasions she'd leave it 'til the very last minute to confirm.

I realised finally that she was doing this to see if anything better came along rather than commit and miss out. I found it really rude, not to mention inconvenient.

Thanks all - I actually feel quite hurt not just about this but the general situation. This woman in question and I used to be really close up to about a year ago. We'd speak regularly on the phone, have heart-to-hearts about things etc. She's a working mum and there were occasions where I looked after her kids, collected them from nursery etc when she didn't have any childcare. I was happy to do it as she is (was?) what I consider a close friend. I did her other favours too.

But lately we hardly speak at all. If I ring her and leave a message, she uses text or email as a way of returning my call. I feel like I've lost my friend

Dh thinks I should ring her and tell her all this - not in a confrontational way, just tell her and ask if there is anything wrong....

oh poor you. please let her go. this relationship means more to you than it does to her. i know that is harsh, but i too have had to accept similar.
talk to dh about this and i bet he will agree. give your lovely friendship to someone who really values it.
i make a fab friend and value friendship very very highly. bet you have other friends who treat you the way you treat them. you sound lovely. she does not.

No you are not unreasonable. This is simple bad manners.
It's amazing how many people display this type of behaviour too! But they would probably be the first to criticise if it happened to them.
Your DH may have a point - you could phone and just say you were so looking forward to meeting up etc. Pile on the guilt epspecially the bit about how hard it was to arrange a suitable date in the first place. Then guage her response and take it from there.

It's very rude but it's not just a family friendly bike ride, it's Ride www.goskyride.com/city/details.aspx?cityid=4 and they shut down part of central London so people can bike around. It's a fabulous day out and only once a year (if it continues, you never know). I still think it's rude and that she should have figured this out much earlier but don't want you to feel dumped for the usual Sunday ride.

fing hell -
Sky Ride

YANBU - I was always led to believe you keep the arrangement you fist commit to, whatever else comes up afterwards.

We had very similar recently...4 couples meant to be going for dinner, booked ages ago as the restaurant is popular. Text sent to all with date & time details.

Couple A tell us a couple of weeks beforehand they won't be able to make it after all, as they have been invited to a 3 yr old's birthday party and then to stay on for drinks afterwards. My friend who actually booked the dinner did try suggesting they could still join us, but apparently Husband A was really looking forward to getting to know 3 yr old's dad, as he's much more 'his type'!!

Couple B didn't attend because we didn't remind them about it the week before and they never go out for dinner without everyone reconfirming.

I have decided to have much lower expectations of people, unless really good, close friends...you are less likely to be disappointed by crappy behaviour!

How very depressing! Not to mention famiiiar...

YANBU - familiar story I get so cross when people cancel at the last minute. I would never do it and have "moved on" from some friendships cos of this very same reason. One was an old housemate who when we didn't live together anymore turned out to be very flaky indeed....

YANBU. The only reasonable things that can come up are genuine illness, someone taken into hospital, babysitter ill and replacement can't be found (if children not included).

YANBU, I had a greek friend who would be sat I my home or out with us, take a phone call and then announce, I have to go my friends have called. . In his case it was a Greek thing, we learned to muddle on with it.

yadnbu.

i am getting alot of this from 2 of my friends. am getting really hacked off because they know dh is away and that i am on my own with dd which is really insensitive

then there are the ones who if they have made the arrangement it happens but if you make it they mess you about. great!

Had a friend (Single parent) who did this to me when she met someone.

Either she "forgot" arrangements completely or would just ring to say she couldn't make it - often at the last minute.

I realised she was spending all her free time seeing him or meeting his friends and never invited me round to at least meet him.

When we finally did meet up and she chatted about what she had been up to, I realised she had been seeing him on each occasion she cancelled arrangements with me.
Pretty soon, I stopped contacting her.

I think she realised at that point what she had done and I got a few phone calls asking to go out. But by that stage I had had enough of being mucked around.

Interestingly, when I first met her, her relationship had just broken down and she had said to me then that she had lost touch with lots of people when she first met him. Think this was just history repeating itself really.

Some women don't seem to really value their friendships...