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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel like this about my brothers wedding

19 replies

ilovemy2babies · 03/09/2010 20:51

ok this is abit of a long story but i will try and keep it short!!

Basically my brother is getting married next year and having a bid wedding and wants all the family invited. Hes invited my dad and his wife who i dont get on with and im dreading spending a whole day with them.

I have hardly any contact with my dad for the past 10 years due to him not wanting anything to do with us when my parents split up.

I havent said anything to my brother about how i feel its his big day and i dont want to spoil it for him, but i know that he knows how i feel about it all he knows how i feel about my dad and his wife.

I dont want my bro to think im trying to ruin his big day i just cant help how i feel

AIBU?

OP posts:

alicet · 03/09/2010 20:54

If you love your brother you need to put your differences with your Dad to one side for his sake. As you said yourself it is his day and its obviously his wish that your dad is there.

It is just 1 day. With lots of other guests. YANBU to not be looking forward to it but sorry I think YABU to not go

Mowgli1970 · 03/09/2010 20:54

I'd swallow my feelings for my brother's sake. You could explain how awkward you feel and that you'd prefer to sit as far away as possible from your Dad and his wife. I think YANBU to feel this way about the wedding, but I wouldn't make waves.

thisisyesterday · 03/09/2010 20:55

yanbu to feel like that. you're allowed to feel any way you like

i think though, that you would be unfair to talk to your brother about it. of course he wants you there, and of course he wants his dad there.
what else can he do? he can't choose between you....

if it's a big wedding I don't think you'll even have to go anywhere near your dad if you don't want to, will you?
you might be overthinking it

Sassybeast · 03/09/2010 20:56

Presumably 'your' dad is your brothers dad as well ? If so, YABU. It's your brothers choice to have his dad there and unfortunately, you'll just have to either put up with it or decline the invite.

curlymama · 03/09/2010 20:56

YANBU to feel like this, but really, your brother doesn't need to know about it. Is there any chance you could get in touch with your Dad before the day to dispel some of your nerves about it. Or even just speak to him on the phone to clear the air or something?

If it's going to be a big wedding there will probably be enough people around that you don't actually have to spend much time with him. And I don't think it would be unreasonable to ask to be on a different table.

Eglu · 03/09/2010 20:57

If he is having a big wedding surely there will be plenty of people for you to talk to and you can just stay aaway from your Dad as much as possible.

chitchat07 · 03/09/2010 20:57

I think you need to try to deal with it for your brother's sake. If they're having a big wedding, you should be able to stay away from your father for most of the day, anyway. If there is allocated seating perhaps just mention to your brother that you would like to be seated away from your father.

sanielle · 03/09/2010 20:58

Ignore him (your dad not your brother). Be really obvious about it if it makes you feel better. It would make me feel better but I'm kind of childish like that.

fluffles · 03/09/2010 21:01

you should just keep quiet about how you feel.

my OH has invited his dad to our wedding despite him being less than satisfactory in the fathering stakes for the last 30 years but my OH has decided that he's a better man than his father and would not exclude him.

OH's sister and mum are not happy and have made it known which is killing OH as he is a good man and didn't want to hurt anybody.

please keep your feelings to yourself..

[actually, oh shit, you're not my future SIL are you??]

Original poster

ilovemy2babies · 03/09/2010 21:01

sanielle - if i choose to ignore my dad it wouldnt be because im childish it would be because it would upset me too much to talk to him

OP posts:

Original poster

ilovemy2babies · 03/09/2010 21:03

lol @ fluffles

i wouldnt tell my bro how i feel i know it would upset him and i dont want that

OP posts:

fluffles · 03/09/2010 21:09

it's ok, you're not - we're getting married this year not next

largeginandtonic · 03/09/2010 21:14

You are not unreasonable to feel like this. You will regret it if you don't go though.

My sis got married last year and invited my ex and his new wife and baby. He had had an affair with new wife for 6 months before i found out.

I was speechless. I had asked her not to invite them about 9 months before the wedding when my mum hinted they might be getting an invite.

They are all pally.

It is odd.

I was bitter and v upset BUT life is short. I am over it. Have just lowered my expectations of them all.

I went and had a good time. Luckily my husband could come and support me. He was supposed to be away.

Go, have fun and forget they are there.

sanielle · 03/09/2010 21:29

I said I was childish op. I didn't call you childish. That said I barely speak to my father because he was violent

taintedpaint · 03/09/2010 22:19

I've just been to a family wedding with almost exactly the same scenario. The sister of the groom has not spoken to her father and the wife for years. The wife is an evil old cow (I've seen her in action and I know things she's said and done that even the stepchildren don't know about (and some of it has been about them)) and the dad is not much better. The sister got through the wedding solely by ignoring and then ignoring some more. It's the only way to handle it. I don't want to divulge too much personal information about them, but the crap that's gone on in the past made it impossible to clear the air before the wedding so ignoring really was the only option. The sister found it really hard to be in the room with people who had been such shitbags to her, but she did if for her brother, so as not to spoil his big day.

So from my experience, YANBU to feel the way you do, but YABU if you make your brother feel bad over it. Either try to resolve things with your dad (or at least clear the air) or give him a very wide berth on the day. Sounds like you're not planning on doing anything to cause problems, so if you're simply after validation for the way you feel, I'll give you a bucketload of it :).

Best of luck, I know this isn't easy.

zipzap · 03/09/2010 22:56

when BIL got married, very small wedding, he invited his mother and father who are divorced, as well as the father's other half (no idea if they are married or not despite the fact he is my FIL too!)

His mum was very upset as she hadn't really been in contact with the dad for about 15 years, and really didn't want to see him again.
Fact it was a small wedding meant that if she went she would see him again.

She told bil to un-invite FIL and partner otherwise she wouldn't come, that he had to choose, that he obviously didn't love her if he couldn't respect her wish to not see her ex again.

Left BIL in really difficult situation as he wanted both mum and dad there as he was still in contact with both, pointed out that he was hoping she would respect his wish to be married with both his parents present and he was not going to choose between them.

Ended up with her not going and being very upset about being 'forced' to miss the wedding . Unfortunately was a situation where there was only black or white and no shades of gray solution.

fast foward a year to our wedding, we invited both mil and fil + partner. MIL did come as it was a bigger wedding so we were able to sit her away from fil and several people were primed to help keep them apart.

But - then BIL didn't come as he was so upset with MIL

Think what I am trying to say is that think how you feel if you miss your brother's wedding. Horrible probably. So make sure that you go but prime people in advance so that you don't have to mix with him at the wedding. and work out what you are going to say to him if he does try to talk to you - practise something like 'I'm here to celebrate my brother's wedding not talk to you. goodbye.' and then walking off, so that if it does happen on the day it won't upset you and spoil the day, and you'll be prepared with how to deal with it.

sonotboden · 03/09/2010 23:00

Dont make him/them choose between you and Dad.

ask bro/sister in law to do the seating plan so that you are not too close (in all honesty even a few seats away at a big wedding is enough)

focus on family and friends you are looking forward to seeing.

and yanbu to feel the way you do.

JaneS · 03/09/2010 23:26

I understand you may be avoiding saying things straight out because they're upsetting, so maybe there's more to this. But the only reason you've given for being upset with your dad is him not wanting anything to do with you. I see that's upsetting, but I think it's a bit selfish to stand in your brother's way if he wants to make an effort to include your dad.

lucy101 · 03/09/2010 23:28

It isn't your day so either go and ignore them... or don't go... but that would be a terrible shame.

I don't really think it is really appropriate to ask where you want to be seated either.

If you don't go/bring it up with your brother you are risking damaging your relationship with him.

I had a very similar situation with my mother when she threatened not to come to my wedding unless someone I didn't want to come (who has been very cruel to me) was invited (so kind of the upside down situation to your brothers).

I invited the person... but I actually regretted it and will never, ever forgive my mother for making me choose. Please don't make the same mistake.

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