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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

on insisting this?

17 replies

veyron · 03/09/2010 18:32

I wonder if anyone can help me with this and my dd7's father. I have just been threatened with legal action as I refused to drop DD off today.

Long story so please bare with me..

Ex and i split over two and a half years ago and ex moved back in with his mother. DD stayed with me and it was mutually agreed that DD would see her father all weekend from friday evening till sunday evening on alternate weekends. and ex would pay weekly maintenance.

Problem is ex doesn't drive and sends his Live-in girlfriend to do all the picking up and dropping off which has been fine with me (they live with her 4 kids about 6-7 miles away with no direct bus route) This has happened for around 2 years, the first time was when his girlfriend (who i had never met dropped my DD on a sunday night) i had no clue who this woman was when she turned up with my DD btw. I made no fuss about it as she seemed nice enough and i didn't want yet another row with ex (a real bully)

I have never ever stopped ex having access to DD and have never questioned his GF from picking and dropping off dd.

The problem that has been annoying me for a long,long time is that the weekends DD is at her Dad's is often cancelled or re-arranged at the last minute. (I have just checked my text messages from ex partner and his gf and this has happen 4 times in the last 4 months)

This weekend DD was supposed to be at her Dad's so I text him last night to ask what time DD was being picked up today, no answer. So DD and i went out for lunch with family and i get a text at 1pm 'are you in will pick DD in 10' I reply that no I am not in I am out so not convenient. He then texts back, 'what time are you dropping her off then' i reply and say that i am not dropping her off and that he/his gf can pick her up at usual time in evening (usually about 6-6:30) and if he'd replied to my previous nights text he would have known we wouldn't be back home till later. He then says by text that he was taking me court as it's always about me and he was fed up with it, i explained that i had never ever refused him access and that if he wanted to do things legally then in future I would not let anybody else collect DD only him. Am i legally entitled to do this? I feel i have been very reasonable with regard to access over the last two years (i have never changed any access arrangements) and it seems because i wasn't willing to drop DD to his GF's house he is threatening me with courts etc.

All i want is for DD to have regular contact with her Dad, I want him to make the effort to pick his daughter up and drop her off and not keep canceling at the last minute.

BTW he has decided he is not seeing DD this weekend now as I told him i would not let her leave with his GF only him.

I really don't need/want the stress of seeing DD upset like this when her Dad cancels, but at the same time i want him to realise that his DD is his responsibility not his GF's.

so my question really is.. Can I refuse his GF picking DD up or not? can i insist on DD's dad picking her up dropping her off, would a court see it this way?

TIA

OP posts:
Dione · 03/09/2010 18:39

If you cannot see a way around this let him take you to court and when there put access agreement (who picks DS up at what time and who leaves her home at a certain time)in place. Also put into the agreement reasonable notice for cancellation and keep records.

As you have been happy to have his GF collect and drop off DS before I am suspicious as to why you have changed this and the courts too may want you to explain.

addictedisgettingexcited · 03/09/2010 18:40

he sounds like a bully.

not sure how a court would see it tbh, as she clearly knows the gf and you have had no problems with it in the past. best to get some legal advice, although my gut instinct says he is trying it on.

Original poster
veyron · 03/09/2010 19:25

Dione
Thanks for your reply, I have kept a log of all texts messages that have been sent either way, to prove that i am very reasonable when it comes to accommodate their plans ALWAYS at short notice. With regards to refusing to let DD leave with anyone but her father is something that I should have enforced at the very beginning of the situation but as usual I was trying to be reasonable, and stop WW3 from taking place. I admit that I probably am being a pain in the ass by refusing to let DD leave with anybody but her Dad but he has backed me in to a corner and I don't think he realises how easy he has it at the moment, but he has threatened me one too many times for me to play nicely.

OP posts:
Dione · 03/09/2010 19:28

Then you go and get it set in stone. Your daughter deserves consistency and so do you and if the only way to achieve this is to go to court so be it.

BTW, I have a funny feeling that he won't be arsed going that far so you may need to have a summit with him. Good Luck.

Original poster
veyron · 03/09/2010 19:31

addictisgettingexcited

Thanks for your advice.

Yes he is a bully and he has basically spat his dummy out because for once he hasn't got his own way, I honestly believe that I haven't done anything wrong with regard to access and I think you are right, i think he is trying it on solicitor etc. It will be interesting to see if i do receive a solicitors letter next week as he said he was going first thing monday morning.

OP posts:
Original poster
veyron · 03/09/2010 19:37

Dione

Yes i think you might be right, probably an empty threat. I don't think he even sent the messages tbh. He has spelt my name wrong and used punctuation too (which he never usually does )maybe his GF being dictated to?

OP posts:
RunOrRioja · 03/09/2010 20:22

If you do hear from a solicitor acting on your ex's behalf, ask about mediation, an awful lot less painful than going to court and an awful lot less cost involved.

GypsyMoth · 03/09/2010 20:32

its so petty i doubt ant judge would be pleased to see this 'case' before him!!

if legal aid is used,mediation will be a requirement off that,otherwise,i dont think its free.....can he/would he pay??

Original poster
veyron · 03/09/2010 20:49

dragonfly68

'its so petty i doubt ant judge would be pleased to see this 'case' before him!!'

my point exactly, i did hint in my reply that he probably would be laughed out of court, I said 'are you telling me that you are fighting for structured visits (that we pretty much have, that you change/cancel, and you aren't even willing to collect DD yourself?)'

I can't even see what his argument is tbh. imo he will shoot himself in the foot.

OP posts:
Original poster
veyron · 03/09/2010 20:56

RunOrRioja

i don't even understand what he want's. He tells me when he wants to see her anyway. he just doesn't like it when i don't drop everything on his say-so.

OP posts:
hairytriangle · 04/09/2010 00:07

Sounds like silly game playing by both of you tbh and
not in your dd best interest.

Starbuck999 · 04/09/2010 00:24

So he is unreliable. Yet you thought it a good idea to decide his gf cannot collect your dd and that he must do it in person? What does that achieve? It is being petty and the only person who loses out is your dd!

Why does it matter if his GF collects your dd? Unles syou are concerned for your dd's wellfare whilst in the care of the GF then you have absolutely no right to stipulate who she is collected by or who her father decided will drive her to and from yours.

If you have a new partner or dh can you imagine your ex demanding that your new dh isn't allowed to drive to collect your dd from his house?

stargazer83 · 04/09/2010 00:32

You said in legal your dd gets upset that whilst gf is dropping her home to you dad is looking after gf's kids? What exactly do you expect them to do? Pile all the kids in the car just to bring dd home? Or do you want your child to do the indirect journey home every 2 weeks?

booyhoo · 04/09/2010 00:39

i have been in this situation wrt stipulating who can collect your DD but i am afraid i was told i couldn't dictate who the NRP chose to do the driving because once it was collection time, it was his im eto with dcs as he pleased. the fact that your ex doesn't drive will be even more in his favour for the GF to collect DD. sorry.

booyhoo · 04/09/2010 00:40

also the fact that you have let it go on for two years will not go in your favour. unless you can prove that she is a risk to your DD the jusge will want to know why the hell it is only now that you have a problem with her doing it.

amberleaf · 04/09/2010 00:54

I agree with Hairytriangle

Starbuck999 · 04/09/2010 01:09

Your ex doesn't drive?!?! So you want his GF to drive him to come collect your dd. She has 4 kids who I'm assuming can't be left alone, so all 6 of them need to come and collect your dd because you would like it that way for no particular reason?

YABU. (Unless you post back and give us some more ino of course).

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