Having friends to stay - whay can't they just go home?

[PfftTheMagicDragon]

Dh has friends from university (graduated 10 years ago). We all get on well, I like them all, but we are not best friends - we never chat on the phone but try to see each other a few times a year.

Everyone is spread out all over the country so visiting can be tricky. Generally if someone has come to visit by themselves then they have stayed over - they always turn up at about 5pm so not much other option tbh but we have always been happy to do this.

But how long does it go on for? A couple of friends (engaged) are looking to visit, DH has asked them if they would like to come and stay over. They live an hour and a half away. I say - why don't we do something in the day, go out, have dinner, chat, then they can go home. OR - we can go to them, and then come home and just sleep in our own houses, not all over the shop in fucking sleeping bags like students. DH says that they live too far to expect them to go home again. I say if we meet at a decent time then there will be no need to stay over - if I wanted to spend days at a time with another family I would go on holiday with them or something.

DH's family always had people to stay growing up, it was normal for friends of the family to come and stay for a week at a time. His SIL and family still regularly go back to the parental home to stay for a fortnight. In my family, we were more of a little and often family, see each other in the day and go home again.

Do you visit people regularly? DO you stay over? DO you relish moving the children from room to room, getting spare duvets out and washing endless sheets just so people can disappear after breakfast?

It is nice to see people but AIBU to think we could just do it in the day?

katisha oh in the mornings, my friends make me breakfast , but then only have people i know well stay, there is no standing on ceremony, no expectations of polite chitchat at 8am on a sunday. We put a film on for the kids and zone out with endless coffee.

The thought is always better than the reality. Unless the accommodation is spacious, even when I visit, I would prefer to stay out.

OK Pavlov you can send them round to me!

I dislike staying at other people's houses though, unless I have my own room and the kids have their own room

i stay at my friends and they stay at mine regularly, and we live about an hour away. It means that we can really relax, have a few drinks etc

yeah - I suppose the relaxing with a drink thing is the most appealign aspect of having someone to tay - a boozy lunch is not the same.

I just don't appreciate the relish with which DH seems to look forward to it - I'm just such an anti-social fucker

We often have people to stay. I sometimes grumble about the sheets and towels issue (masses of extra washing for the next day or so) but it has distinct advantages:

• you can have children friendly time during the day (most of our friends have dc of similar ages to ours)

• the dc love having people to stay in their rooms, and going to stay in other people's houses.

• once the dc are in bed, you can crack open the wine (well, ok that always happens hours before bedtime) and have some adult time withour having to worry about driving, train times or babysitters.

What's not to like?

YABVVVU and should be grateful that friends care enough about you to want to come and stay.

I often have friends to stay (even ones who live 10 minutes drive away) and love the freedom (and wine) it brings

Staying for one night? Bloody hell, lighten up; an hour and a half is a fair distance if you don't want to spend the entire day clock-watching.

I like my own space, do things in my own time, and faffing about changing sheets is such a chore. As for sleeping at other people's homes, even if they live in a luxurious mansion compared to our poky flat, I still like MY own home comforts, knowing where everything is in the cupboards, trusting that my sheets are clean (you don't always know, do you!), etc.

YANBU!

In my single days, I used to go clubbing with a friend. She lived about 20 minutes from me - would ALWAYS want to stay over after the night out, rather than go to her own home, said she didn't feel safe going home alone - perhaps fair enough, though I used to do it all the time. Anyway, I just got fed up of playing hostess, having to change the sheets all the time, and not have a decent lie-in the next day as she didn't do lie-ins (crazy woman!), have to make breakfast, and lose half my day the next day as she'd stay for lunch too - used to cost me a fortune. Had to call time on that one.

Not everyone has spare rooms And I believe myself to be a grown up.

I'm with you OP, we used to have DH friends to stay when we had spare room, which i didn't mindd soooo much. Then they came to stay again after DD3 nd it was a nightmare; we eneded up with us plus 2 DD in our room and DD3 in 2nd bedroom whilst DH Friends in room 3. No-one slept due to the disruption. Now we have a new rule: no couple friends stay overnight. A single friend I can just about cope with with sleeping bag on sofa(though totally agree with your sentiments re students and they absolutely have to cope with being disturbed at 6am by children) but more than that is ridiculous.

YANBU

I totally see what you mean and yanbu, though your dh may take a little convincing. My fave family who come and stay with us (and are very welcome, we love them) always bring their own bedding which I really, really appreciate - maybe you could suggest that as a starting point. Is doubly difficult if you are having to move the kids around, I quite agree that someone 1.5 hours away could come for lunch then sod off again!

WoW - Manda, 3 Verys? I must be unreasonable!

We don't have a spare room, DS has a trundle bed in his room which inevitably means he gets moved when people stay and he sleeps so badly in our room.

LittleSilver - yes, couples make life more difficult, things are always easier when we have a single person to stay, they do slot in a lot better.

I know that IABU really. I'm just a bit miserable. But it's good to know that a good proportion of MNters are also miserable

I am a bit hysterical about changing beds but with my 3 ds staying now n then I just stopped and did it occasionally. then when pil did usual trick of announcing a weekend visit..holiday more like...and dh said yes I just thought well he can sort out spare room then. he didn't and I had a sly smile on my face as I dell asleep thinking of them sleeping in sheets that 3 smelly lads had used. How wicked am I?

I didn't grow up in a house with spare rooms and don't have one now.
I envy these people with extra space.
Visitors staying usually mans a rejig of who sleeps where. Easier if kids are with the other parent that weekend.
I'd only stay with a friend who just lived 90min away if I was travelling on the next morning and they were a stop en route.
I'd rather drink less and go home to my own bed. I probably felt differently in my 20s before having kids.

I love having people to stay - but then I grew up with it being normal. Both my parents families, and also close family friends lived far away so it was impossible to just meet up for the day.
I love having people over - a nice walk during the day and family time, then cooking a yummy meal for everyone and relaxing over wine/cheese/coffee until bedtime. What's not to like? I'm more than happy to do an extra load of washing or two if it means spending time with the people I love.

Also, I think you have a different relationship with people when you spend more than just a few hours at a time together, you get to know each other better.

I'm interested to see some names here from threads discussing visitors after new babies have arrived. Seems to be just a general dislike of visitors

I hate staying at other peoples houses, but do not mind so much people staying with us.

However, we live in a very touristy area, and traditionally have DH's various cycling friends stay for the entire summer.... occasionally for weeks at a time and certainly every weekend. As we have just had a baby, we have 'only' had three sets of people stay for a total of....um.... 24 days. (Has driven me crazy, tbh, especially as the last 5 day stay was organised by DH without reference to me.) I am really not that fond though of having our entire summer taken up with enteraining people, as invariably we seem to provide almost all wine and food.

I do not mind doing the sheets and stuff though. But, my confession of today is that over the bank holiday, a person i really dislike (hyper critical of me specifically) came to stay. I did not change the sheets or pillow cases, just shook them and inspected them for stray pubic hairs from the previous guests. . A little passive aggressive, but in my defence, we DO have a newborn, AND they had invited themselves!!!!!

I dont mind staying or having people to stay, but I prefer to go home to my bed if its available. And if people stay we dont have a spare room anymore - its airbeds all the way.

And we would find the nearest little chef or equivalent for cooked breakfast. Who can be arsed cooking all that and stinking up the kitchen in the morning?

Because of distances we often have family staying here. We have plenty of spavce so in theory it's not a problem.
One or two nights is okay, but I get fed up when it's longer, especially as I work from home.
But trying telling that to my Mother of DH's parents.

We don't have a spare room so need to shuffle people around. More people are staying with us since we moved house and it is nice they want to come but it is also nice when they go .

My mum and dad are coming on Sunday to stay until next Saturday. They are between homes and have insisted they will sleep in the front room (at least we have that as a sort of spare room).

I love having people over, but you do have to concentrate on the thought that it's nice and try to ignore the washing, the washing-up, the food cost and the work involved.

I'd rather they came than didn't!

Ditto re the slightly less so for family.

We go the whole hog for some of our holidays and house swap, so I suppose we're used to the thought of people using our toilet etc!

Fizzywinelover - that is a different scenario altogether and would drive me mad! There is a difference IMO between having good friends/family to stay for a few days at a time (although family especially are v.welcome for a week or more if they want to), and having randoms in and out all the time!
I am that you are providing all the booze - how bloody rude!

YANBU! I have recently been re-evaluating our visiting habits. We seem to have people here all the time, well at least 2 weekends a month. On the one hand I love it, we get to see people that we want to see, you can have a proper catch up and not have to worry about DD being disrupted etc etc. We nearly always have a good time and enjoy exploring our local area with other people and finding new things to do.

However, I actually find the cost implications significant. I am not currently being paid on mat leave and am budgeting hard. Instead of shopping for 2 adults, I am mostly shopping for 4 or 5 depending on ages of visitors. Add to that the washing - towels, sheets etc and the extra cleaning, running the dishwasher etc, it all really adds up! I must sound like such a miser but it is soo hard to cut food bills when it feels like we run a B&B without the income!

It's the flipside of moving miles from family and friends and living in a holiday destination I guess!

FessaEst, tht is exactly our issue too! I am on maternity leave, and DH is job hunting, so it really does add up, cost wise. I do not think I am a miser either, but lately I have been calaculating how much we provide, and how little we 'get back' in terms of being taken out for dinner- even to the pub. The issue is a bit exacerbated by the fact we live in a lovely place, and we are lucky enough to have a very sweet cottage, so people tend to think we are wealthier than we are, IYSWIM, so reciprocal dinners out, or wine bought tends not to be forthcoming. I do not bring it up to DH though because it seems ungracious, but I DO think about it...