Is dp being a prick or am i too sensitive?

[mummysgoingmad]

ok very brief history, i've been a sahm since i was pregnant with ds (nearly 3 years) and had lots of complications etc. and found it hard getting anyone to employ a pregnant woman is extreamly hard. Anyhoo, ds was born, became ill with ear chest and throat infections constantly so again it was difficult to get any kind of work.

Now ds's health has improved and i have have been looking into childmeinder/nursarys and finding a suitable job to fit in with dp's hours. He works from 12-8 so i ideally wanted to get a position that was either in the morning (part time) to save on nursary child care fees, or night shift again to save on child care costs.

I have been looking since june, including trying to get into college from april and i've had no luck so far. My dp said tonight i'm not trying hard enough and that i dont realise how important it is for me to get back to work, he keeps giving me dates that i have to be in work for and i feel like if i dont reach them then i'm a failure. I 've told him i'm trying my best but it seems my best isn't good enough.

I've told him how much i miss working but want to make sure it whats best for us as a family, i would be prepared to take any job part time, but the shift on offer seem to be late afternoon, early evening and its impossible to find child care at that time, we have no family close to hand either to help out.

I understand that it must be difficult to be the sole income of the family but he could be a bit more supportive surely?

Yup...he's a prick!! You are trying FFS. He needs to back off, you have enough to deal with, child and jobseeking, without him being pushy!!!

YANBU, he is being a complete bellend; I would tell him to mind his own business

Before you write him off as a prick and a bellend, consider how he feels, having single-handedly financially supported the family for three years. Is he worried that his job is under threat? Is there overtime no longer available? He could have a good reason to be urging you to "find something", no matter how unrealistic his hopes.

You need to talk.

Wow - is he normally this much of an arse?

Regardless of what his own work issues are, I feel he is being unreasonable dictating dates to the OP by which she must have a job. I wonder what he plans to do if she doesn't have a job by those dates? Punish her?

Maybe the "dates" are indicative of his own fear?

Possibly but he would probably be better off being open about his fear with the OP rather than pressuring her

Ach, how many of us understand our behaviours that well, especially when you're young? (I'm going by children needing nursery, and references to college; these are not exclusive to the "young", of course.)

I hope young men are more open about their emotions and fears than in my day, but I'm not convinced it's true.

My initial advice still stands; they need to talk to each other.

no the opposite in fact he was just given his permanent contract at work, so lots of benefits we didnt have before. He saids everytime he asks about it a shout at him, its the way in which he asks that i dont care for and it really bugs me. Tonight i got that angry i thought about hitting him (i wouldn't but by god i wanted to) he's one of very few people that can get me to that point. He'l say something that is completely insensitive and then try and twist my words.

Everything is about whos worng and whos right with him, and lately rather than argue i say whatever it is you win!

Ok, I can feel your anger; can you replay the conversations and see where they derailed? (I'm assuming that you both mean well towards each other, and want to stay together? Or is it past that for you?

YANBU!

However, I wonder whether he realises how insensitive he is being. Does he perhaps think he is being motivational?

There are precious few jobs around and it sounds like you want to work - it's not like you're being half hearted because secretly you want to stay at home. Does he understand this or is he just imagining it's easier than it is?

Perhaps you could talk to him and ask him to be more supportive and HELP you look for work by looking through the papers, websites etc with you, asking around, helping you write your CV etc. Just explain that you are finding his current "motivational" tactics anything but.

If he still continues after this talk then he's being a prick.

He's not unreasonable to want you to contribute finacially. He is out of order in thinking somehow childcare is your respnsibility - you should both be sorting that one out. He should give you some more time - 2 months looking isn't that much.

Am surprised you can't get childcare for late arvo / early eve - understand it rules out nurseries, but would have thought that kind of timing was bread and butter to childminders (judging from the number of mumsnetters who use them for post school care?) Another option might be (and this is what Ive done for smilar hours)is find a trainee primary school teacher looking for some extra hours to earn some cash - would fit their study programme, and cheaper than a nanny.

YOu biggest issue is definitely as oldlady say communication - You feel he is unsupportive, and putting pressure on you re dates etc, he thinks you shout at him every time he brings it up ? I?m guessing that the conversations aren?t terribly productive, and in the absence of any other information you?re both not talking it through that well.

Are you sure that he is pushing because of finances. Maybe he thinks that you need to get out of the house and he thinks that psychologically it would be the best thing for you. I know that my dh pushed for me to get a job after ds was born, not because we needed the money, but because he knew I was going crazy being at home.
You shoudl be able to get child care credits (or whatever they are calling them this week) to help with the childcare. Maybe just get something that is normal hours to start with and see how it goes.