To feel that DH is a bit unfair???

[Ghostie]

So I may well be being unreasonable...I think it is so hard to keep perspective. Basically (well the long version) I have an 8 week dd and was really lucky that me and DH are teachers, this meant the last six weeks he has been at home to help with the new baby. It is our first and his parents were here for a month from Oz to see their first grandchild, which was intense to say the least.

Now everyone is gone and I don't know any other mum's around here, so feel a bit lonely and insecure, it is also really strange everyone going back to work and me not being there.

While his parents were here he had a number of days and evenings out drinking with them and I was left with the baby - this caused a bit of tension.

Then today he called at the end of the day to say he was going out for a few beers with the boys and did I mind since it was the first day of term. He asked if I had a nice day, but I didn't really get any time to talk to him about what happened or how I feel.

I love an adore my DD and I don't want to be a nag and annoying to my DH, but it is hard because I can't just go out and feel like I have to take prime responsibility for DD if I am looking after her, or if he is...god sorry if I sound like a total whinge!! And sorry for being so long winded!

I don't think going out with his parents is that bad; presumably they've returned to Australia now and he won't see them again for a while?

You're definately not whinging, it's scary having children even when you've had them a while!

And just like your ILs, they're so intense, you've got to keep your eye on the ball all the time, and just like your DH wants to take a bit of time off, you need it too.

It's no reflection on how you feel about your DD.

I agree with the 'usual' advice that's given on here, that outside paid work both parents should be responsible for their children 50/50.

If you didn't mind your DH going out on the lash with his mates that'd be fine, but you do. How is he with you when you bring it up?

Yourt DH has just fitted back into his old life - yours has changed dramatically - that is the way in most families. However, I can only offer this piece of advice - get out and go to ANY and EVERY church/village hall/scout hut/surestart centre etc as most seem to have mum and baby groups. These saved my sanity when I was in the same situation as you. I knew no-one in the area before and certainly no one with kids. I now have a lovely group of friends with kids and the oppetunity to get out the house.

I would say first day of term, special occasion, fine. And then you get a night out very soon too!

I remember feeling very resentful in the early days, probably mostly hormomes, that I would never be able to anything ever again, and I hated that dh could just go to work and carry on in the "real world".

Of course, it gets easier with time. If you fancy a night out, then go. DH will cope. I used to get DH to bring me a G&T in the bath when he got home from work in the early days. Even if he had been at work all day, not unreasonable for him to stick something in the oven and have a cuddle of dd for an hour or so, whilst I got a much needed break.

In fact, 6 years on I am thinking this might be a good habit to restart

I don't think YABU at all.

You need an afternoon to yourself if you can. Are you breastfeeding? If not, can your DH stay in with your DD so you can do some shopping, have lunch or coffee? Everyone needs a breather.

And if you didn't get to go out AT ALL while his parents were there... Well, that's incredibly selfish.

Your DD is not solely your responsibility, and I think you should let him know that this is how it feels at the moment for you. If he's any kind of a DH then he will listen and take notice.

have you got anything you can set up as 'your time'? say a swim perhaps for an hour one evening per week that he has to come home in time to take over from you?

i think that you both need to find a new routine which includes him being at work but you also getting some time when he's home therwise you'll burn out.

i think you should have a chat about how things like that are going to work - it is vv normal for teachers to head to the pub at the end of the day/week, so he will want to do that too. if you start going to local baby groups you will get to know other people so won't feel so alone.

what about your work colleagues? could you arrange to meet them in the pub after work, catch up with them & take baby too? or is there someone else you'd go out with?

the two of you should come up with some kind of agreement that seems fair to both of you, so that you don't get left making a decision last minute.

Perhaps the problem is not that your DH is having time off, but that you have no time off and so you resent him?

In which case the solution is to make sure you get time off too.

In other words, ring your mates and go down the pub and leave the baby with DH. :)

Thanks guys it is really good to hear that these are normal feelings and I'm not just being a total "sook" as DH would say! :) He is trying. He does a night feed and he does lots round the house, like all the mountains of washing, so I don't want to totally bag him out! I just don't think he really understands how I can't just pop out or have a break. It is totally normal for teachers to go out drinking and usually I would have been there too with the best of them...I guess that's the problem I can't anymore, so we do need to have that conversation about what is fair now?!

DH says he wants me to go out (I think slightly to make it easier for him to go out) so he can see what it is like - I think he will have a shock and realise how much he naturally defers to me e.g. "what do you want me to do with her now, what should she wear, should she be having a nap?"

I am breast feeding, but she will take a bottle when needed and I have a friends hen do in a few weeks, it is a couple of hours away and a pampering day/over night stay, which could be just the tonic I need (hopefully with a dash of gin in it) :). I am seriously thinking about going and staying over. I know it will be hard to be away from her, but important especially since he is due to have a boys weekend away soon.

I am also going to start going to all the local things, like Mummychicken suggested, now his parents have gone and DH is back at work. I am not very good at chatting to people I don't know, but I am going to give it a good go and hopefully I will meet some nice people and I will feel like less of a norma no mates! :)
Thanks again!

YANBU; I find it very annoying that men think that after the arrival of a baby they can just fall back into their old routine of pub/sport/lie-ins etc whilst us women have to completely change our lives and get no time to ourselves.

I would definitely go on that hen night if I were you.

YANBU. It is hard work at home on your own all day. I though my DH would somehow be able to sense when I needed a break, night out, quiet bath etc. He didn't, so now I just tell him .
He's then very pleased to take over, just useless at spotting it for himself I suppose .
I am also a teacher and have really enjoyed not being in school panicing about class lists and displays today! Enjoy it!!!

Thanks tinky, yep I agree about school - I teach English, so definately not missing the mountains of marking!!!

It all got a bit worse the other night, when a few beers turned into coming home at 11.30, with no keys, so I had to let him in, I was not impressed to say the least! And then wanting to play ruby last night - I had to point out that we were going camping today and how was he going to get ready!

You are right Pushmeinthepool it is that he doesn't take any initiative with her himself he needs to asked or told, even when he does his night feed he often wakes me up to get me to hold her or ask me something. Although I appreciate what he does, I do find it frustrating.

We have a couple of hours in the car this afternoon, when DD will def be asleep, so I guess time to discuss what is reasonable in terms of his social life and sharing responsibility for DD when he is not at work. I don't think the "but I am at work" really cuts it, since his day seems to start after mine and finish before it!

Thanks for the words of support ladies!

Just to clarify (I know 11.30 does not seem that late) he was at the pub from 4.30 - 11.30!