In thinking that my DP's parents don't need to see me, just DP and DD?

[TwoPeasOnePod]

My first ever post! EEeek!

Background; I am a very shy person in RL, don't feel the need to socialise loads and have a low tolerance for doing/going to places that don't interest me/make me feel awkward..

DP's parents are in their late fifties, have own car, working phones etc. yet NEVER ring to arrange to see their granddaughter (our 3 yo DD)

Whereas my mum rings every week and me and DD see her at least 3 times a month, usually more, and is willing to come to us as well as us drive to her. She doesn't think it unusual that DP rarely comes too, after all we need a break from each other and they get on fine, no probs there.

But DP thinks I am miserable and dont want to be involved with his side of the family, and I'm currently 37 weeks pregnant with 2nd DD, because Ive said to him that he can take them to his parents whenever he wants (currently around once a month and he is never invited, he ALWAYS has to suggest it to them... ) BUT I don't want to make the effort myself, because his parents and I have never gone any deeper than superficial polite convo, plus I find it hard to give a shit about what they think of me when they cant be arsed to ever come see their GD. And SMOKE when shes around-"in the next room", as if that makes a difference

Despite this, I feel guilty that maybe I should make more effort with them for DP/DDs sake?!? Am I strange for wanting to keep our families segregated as such?! DP doesnt do much alone with DD and he works f/t so when he does rarely go to his parents, I get a precious afternoon to myself..[selfish emoticon} Tell me if I'm being unreasonable!

I think you need a bit of balance - ie: sometimes go with your DP and DD and sometimes let them go alone. I often see my parents on my own but I know they occasionally like to see DH as well. (I have no in-laws ) - I can understand how you want some time to yourself, but I think you need to make the effort sometimes for your DP's sake. Also, you won't want your feelings of shyness to rub off on your DD - so let her see that you are happy to go out and about or she may find it difficult to make relationships in the future.

I think you are being unreasonable.

Your in-laws are your family too and I think it's really bizarre that you don't want a relationship with them. I understand what you are saying about shyness etc, but these are important people in your children's lives and I think you need to make an effort.

I can understand yr attitude to yr ILs but maybe they are also shy and lack confidence with you. So like Alibaba says maybe they want to get to know you better and you can give a bit too.

thankyou for replying so fast
I suspected as such alibaba as much as ive been trying to deny it..But I just can't get past the fact that they literally never invite us to come over (not even my dp and DD, which is odd to me) and they never ask to come here although Ive offered to cook them dinner and come over for playtime with DD this weekend. I guess I justify not wanting to see them with the fact that they are like this.
ragwort, I am desperate for my shyness not to rub off on my DD..I also feel like Im a bit of a miserable, insular person, still take her out and about and she seems fine at nursery etc..

I guess the next step is to wait till this babys born and see if they make more effort, and then I could try and match their efforts and be more sociable *gulp

I think there are 2 issues here, you should make the effort with your inlaws, and DD will pick up on any tension.

Has your DP asked why they never invite any of you? Do you invite them to you?

Personally I would not send my child anywhere people smoked, regardless of whether I loved or loathed them. DPs Grandparents smoke, we just ask would they mind not doing it when we are there, or take DS outside for a while.

See, euphemia- thats the attitude I would dearly love to have, but feel so selfish implementing it- it would be my ideal world to not have to interact with people who mutually offer each other next to nothing. Would my daughter really suffer from me not being there too? i dont know that its such a good thing for visits to her paternal gps to be 'chaperoned' by boring old mummy as well..But then i worry that I'm just finding a way to justify my weaselling out of the whole thing

I agree with Ragwort

Giddyup- I have repeatedly REAPEATEDLY asked DP to ask them to smoke outside JUST WHILE DD IS THERE..no huge sacrifice surely...Yet still, DD comes home smelling, nay, reeking of smoke And it sounds really odd but I reckon if I asked DP why they never invite us, it would embarrass him somehow, he certainly wouldn't have an answer I don't think.

twopeas I can see where you are coming from here.

I don't like to visit my ILs for many reasons. DH's dad is a heavy smoker and will refuse to leave the room or go outside, they are unhygienic to point of being really dirty and they are actually rude and mean paople and I don't want my DD to be in an environment like that. They hardly invite us over anyway but if they did I would refuse.

They come to us once a week or so but only for half hour, never play with DD so poinless visit. DH can't stand them anyway.

Whereas with my mum it's totally different. We are going on holiday together next week and DD goes to play and she comes for coffee she is clean and fun and DH calls her mum instead of his own mum.

OP I don't think you are strange for keeping your families segregated. Iknow that my ILs know we get on with my mum better and they resent this but it just makes the situation worse, doesn't give anyone any incentive to make it better.

It is a shame everyone can't get on but as the saying goes "you can't choose your family"

Why do you need to be INVITED to go to DPs parent's house?? how strange!

What would happen if you didn't initiate it all? Could they have just got into a habit of expecting you to be the one to set up visits?

What about not doing so for a couple of weeks and seeing if anyone else can be arsed?

If not time for a rethink as to how important these visits actually are.

Well that really is down to DP, does he not mind them smoking?I found a fabricated Asthma diagnosis helped DPs grandparents to understand. I wouldn't normally fib but they are in their 80s so really needed a bit of extra help than our parents generation understanding that its just not OK any more!

It sounds like DP knows their behaviour is odd. My DP would be like this too, luckily adore his parents but he is still really defensive about them sometimes.Can you see maybe fostering a better relationship with them as a way of supporting DP, who you love? then it might not seem such a pointless exercise.

I would extend the olive branch and invite them to you, and keep doing so until they come. That way you are in your own territory, you can say "please don't smoke around our child" and send them outside. Do you feel more confident in your own home? Also if you are doing the inviting, it is not your fault if they don't take you up on your kind offer too often .

Ultimately, your relationship may improve, DDs lungs will be safe and if they are so ignorant they don't readily accept your offer, you can sit back and polish your halo without having to see them!

I am just on the brink of severing ties with mine, but that is for things they've actually done repeatedly!!

giddyup DP has grown up with the smoking, just doesnt see it as being a big deal if its only once in a while
And they literally hold their daughters baby with one hand and smoke with the other!!! cos she doesnt mind and does it too!!
I reckon I will just keep badgering him to get them to come here, although the only thing they seem capable of doing is sitting on couch, drinking tea, while DD presents them with toys and chitters away. They dont really get involved too much iyswim. I could always go for a little lie-down and cite pregnancy as the reason..Just feels like i need persepctive on it, is hard to know if Im being weird or being acceptable if I discuss it with no one in RL, if you get me.

BUT as I am sweaty,big and fat and heavily pregnant, i feel resentful for having to make the effort yet t'is good for my crabbed old soul (im 23! haha hollow laugh) to make the effort..Poor old DP, he is aghast at how I can manage to complicate everything

YANBU

I get on very well with my two sets of in-laws (divorced and remarried, so dd has 3 sets of grandparents), and DH gets on well with my folks.

However, much as we love our parents, there is an element of duty in seeing them and making sure DD sees them, and if both DH and I were to see all three sets together, that would double, nay triple, the amount of in-laws-visiting-time.

Of course I see them on occasion, and when they come to us, but when DH takes DD to see his parents, I see that as my well-deserved time off at home on my own. As does he the other way around.

It's not segregating families, it's normal!

If I were you, I'd tell your DH that he's mainly responsible for taking DD to see his parents, and you're mainly responsible for her seeing your Mum.

YANBU at all. I don't go to see my PIL with DP and DC's, as we don't really get on. I prefer my DC's to have a good relationship with their GP's, without all the sniping that would go on between me and MIL if I was there (yes I know it is childish, we are as bad as each other but it has gone on a long time and neither of us are likely to change now - long back story).

So, DP goes to see them about twice a month, takes DC's with him, I have a couple of hours for chilling out, PIL's get to see DP and DC's, everyone is happy.

BUT - I do see them at family events, weddings, birthdays etc, and am polite, as are they, but if we spend too much time together, it just doesn't work.

YANBU. My in-laws live a four hour drive from us so we all have to go and see them as we go for the weekend - or they come to us for the weekend. I have known them for 15 years and still have nothing to say to my MIL. Whenever we are with her, she stops speaking as soon as I walk in the room, so I try to stay out so DH can talk to her. When I am there it is akward silence. I DO try to talk to her but as I often say to DH, she is the only person I know who can answer an open question with a "yes/no".

They came to see us this bank holiday. With two kids now, we can only fit 5 in the car. So, DH took kids and his parents out for Saturday afternoon. I had three hours on my own. Yes, I cleaned but did get some "me" time. Everyone had a nice time.

If you live close enough that you can see them for a few hours, then why put yourself through a visit? I would love to not go to PIL but DH would never stand for it!

On the subject of getting time to yourself could you suggest this to your DH as a seperate issue. For example could he start taking her to the park/shops every Saturday and if that works out find something like a swimming class or something they could do together.
If you were getting a regular slab of time to yourself you might be less reluctant to make the effort with the ILs.