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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For asking 18 yr old DSD to help around the house?

21 replies

gonnaloseit · 31/08/2010 10:04

She moved in with DH, DS and myself a year ago after a big row with her Mum.
She has never lifted a finger and leaves everything at her arse expecting everyone to clear up after her. DH backs her up every time saying she's had a hard time give her time to settle, but it's been year how long does she need?!
Her behviour is starting to have a negative effect on 6 yr old DS now as he has always helped with the chores from a very young age and doesn,t want to because DSD doesn't do anything and that DH loves DSD more than him.

This is really putting a strain on what was a really good relationship between DH and myself think I should kick them both out.

OP posts:

hairytriangle · 31/08/2010 10:17

YANBU, but I think you should have laid down the ground rules before she moved in and before so much time went on.

At 18 she wouldn't be 'helping' with chores, she'd be doing what any other adult has to do.

I think kicking them both out is a bit extreme.

You need to sit down and discuss this together - (without your six year old present) - nd solve it as a family.

Claw3 · 31/08/2010 10:19

She should be helping out, i dont see what 'settling' has to do with it.

Surely she would feel more 'settled' if she was included in all aspects of family life, including chores!

skidoodly · 31/08/2010 10:20

Before you discuss it as a family you need to make sure your husband is going to back you up.

An adult living in your home and expecting to be picked up after is a leech.

Does your DH do any of this picking up? Or is he backing his daughter up entirely at your expense?

If the latter, the first conversation needs to be with him about how ALL adults in the house will pull their own weight and not expect to be skivvied after.

LadyBiscuit · 31/08/2010 10:21

I agree with skidoodly - you and your DH are the parents here and unless he backs you up, you're on a hiding to nothing. You need to talk to him first and present a united from to your DSD

thesecondcoming · 31/08/2010 10:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hairytriangle · 31/08/2010 10:29

thesecondcoming you would rather kids sleep on the streets? Because that's often what happens. Friend of mine took in her (16 yo) step daughter after her mother literally kicked her out in the middle of her gcses. Good for my friend, I say!

thesecondcoming · 31/08/2010 10:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rocky12 · 31/08/2010 10:46

Kick them out because of 'housework'. Are you serious?

notsue · 31/08/2010 12:07

YANBU, only the kicking them out is unreasonable

skidoodly · 31/08/2010 12:14

Of course you can kick someone out over housework.

Why the fuck not? If someone refuses to pull their own weight, asking them to leave is ultimately the only sanction you have.

You think people who leave their mess around should just be accommodated at the expense of the other people in their household? Are you serious?

Lulumaam · 31/08/2010 12:17

YABU about kicking them out, but you need to all sit down and communicate.. i think the key to it is why she moved out.. what was the row about? does she still see her mum?

i would stop pciking up after her.. if she wants clothes washing , she can put them in the basket surely? or actually put a wash on.. she is more than capable of cooking /cleaning up and should do so once a week at least

what does she do . or does hse literally do nothing?

Rocky12 · 31/08/2010 12:29

Skidoodly, so you would marry someone, have their children and then if they didnt clear up after themselves you would kick them out. If that is true no wonder the divorce rate is so high. Surely divorce is the last resort, not a reason to split with someone because they dont empty the dishwasher!!

skidoodly · 31/08/2010 12:38

If they refused to ever clean up after themselves and expected me to do it for them, if they treated me as their domestic slave rather than their partner, then of course I would kick them out, wouldn't you?

Do you really think that just because you've married someone it's your duty to clear up after them if they refuse to do it themselves?

That you have given up the right to stand up for yourself and demand to be treated with respect?

If so, no wonder so many relationships end in acrimonious breakdown, when the abused partner eventually can't take it anymore.

Original poster

gonnaloseit · 31/08/2010 12:38

She does nothing at all everything is left where she drops it.
The row with her Mum was about Mums new boyfriend who drinks and takes drugs DSD didn't feel safe in the house with him there and tried to explain this but was kicked out instead. We have tried to intervene have had no luck. there is now no contact.
DH is very good around the house and picks up after DSD because I refuse she is old enough to do it herself.
Have tried talking to DH about what should be expected of her but he doesn't see it as a problem but I do it's not fair on anyone coming into our home and treating it with disrespect.
I don't want to kick them out but at the end of the day my house is being disrespected.

OP posts:

skidoodly · 31/08/2010 12:44

He doesn't see it as a problem that his adult daughter is living treating your home as a pigsty?

Doesn't he see that she needs some kind of discipline in her life? Letting her carry on like that isn't doing her any favours.

What does she do? Is she at college? Might she be moving into halls in term-time soon?

ChaoticAngel · 31/08/2010 12:55

Can you point out the negative effect it's having on your DS wrt him doing chores.

I agree with Skidoodly on this one.

alarkaspree · 31/08/2010 13:00

If she leaves something on the floor, throw it in the bin.

Original poster

gonnaloseit · 31/08/2010 13:02

DH thinks because DSDs mum did everything for her we should too. I don't if 6 yr old DS can tidy up after himself (I've encouraged him to do this since he started walking) then why the hell cant an 18 yr old.
She has just finished 2 yrs at college and is looking for a job.
It's DHs attitude I'm having the biggest problem with if he backed me up I think she would try.

OP posts:

PosieParker · 31/08/2010 13:04

DH is being unfair to both of you. He needs to understand that allowing her to do eff all will make her life as an independent adult much harder. Perhaps if you could have some sort of rota that you all decide on it would be good.

LadyBiscuit · 31/08/2010 13:07

It's not about respecting your house, it's about her acting as a fully paid up member of your household ie she contributes to keeping it clean and tidy. Even my 3YO puts his stuff in the dishwasher.

Her mother may not have made her help but she's not living there now, she's living with you and the rules in your house are different. Have you asked your DH how in the hell he thinks she's going to cope when she goes to college? Her fellow housemates will hate her!

ernestTheBavarian · 31/08/2010 13:23

what about the finances out of interest? Does she have any money coming in? Does she pay anything towards her keep? I had to pay a token amount something like £50 a month from 18.

Good luck. How is your relationship with her? Friendly, distant, strained? How is she behaviour wise, in terms of getting up at a reasonable time, or lying in bed till noon and up till 3 am?

She should do something, absolutely. All of my kids help around the house. Even staying as a guest I would expect to pitch in, never mind living there permanently.

Taking the piss.

But I agree, the problem seems to be your dh not your dsd.

You need to talk.

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