to be selfish....?

[JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns]

ive had a bad year and seeked alot of comfort online, mainly here, i wont do details, but the short of it is we moved 100miles away from home, my grandma got terminally ill, my brother died, we got evicted my fil had a heart attack and grandparents had a bad accident.

ive sturggled with day to day life since.

ive had an extremely good friend for several years, ive known him longer than my other half.

hes always been someone whos listened and offered impatial advice and been a real help.

however after several long msn conversations he asked me round, i spent the evening just talking and generally feeling alot better for doing so, however i missed a text dp sent and he accused me of sitting around laughing at him, which is odd to say the least.
this good friend invited all of us around today, the kids went berrie picking fed his chickens and so on, i asked dp if he minded taking the kids home alone where my mum was waiting to babysit and he come back and carry on the evening.

AM i being unreasonable to want some time out just me with my friend, granted he is male but isnt it a little juivenille assuming there is more going on than friendship?

DP confessed to driving up and staring at the house when i was here, he wanted to come un and catch us????

he has no reason not to trust me, im just off loading my shit on to someone it wont upset, im rambling and making no sense, well done if you got this far.

Sounds like he is a little jealous, but it's possibly natural - he clearly doesn't want to lose you.

YANBU though.

i adore him, he knows it, can anyone give me some advice on how to reasure him???

im trying very hard to, thing is i see this friend as my unpaid shrink, hes a very good listener and doesnt tell me what i want to hear, dp is obviously dealing with the same issues as me so i see it as a better way of dealing with my pain than burdening him with it.

I think you are being a little bit U as it is upsetting your partner.

i just wish hed admit it instead of being moody, he told me to go, talk and whatever i think he said, i miss one text and he goes insane, he knows the friend,

i am selfish arent i, right now im at the friends using his internet while he does the same, its just a nice quiet no pressure enviroment, i think maybe i shouldnt come again?

YANBU at all. Really. Unfair jealousy is a bastard of a thing to deal with. Your DP needs to get a grip.

Sorry to hear the huge string of horrible crap you had to deal with this year. The last thing you need is this shite.

YANBU to want to cry on a friends shoulder, but your DP is NBU to feel a bit jealous of a close male friend either.

Even if you have never given him a reason to doubt you, imagine if it were the other way around and he wanted you to take your children home so he could spend time alone with another woman (again, in innocent circumstances).

Sit down with him and listen to his fears. Don't dismiss them as "this shite" as it was put above. Try and allay his fears so he doesn't feel threatened by this other man.

Hope you can start to feel better too after such a horrible year. Can you not talk to your DP about it as well as your friend? Maybe he feels you can't talk to him when he should be the one person that you can turn to at a time like this.

thanks detective,

i do talk to him, but i feel like im dragging him down iyswim, and i need to be his go to and complain person so i was trying to make things better for us both.

DP took the dcs home and eventually came back for the evening after unblobking a sink.

the friends house has a long drive way with large gates on the end and usually dp asks me or friend to come undo them when he arrives, he didnt and christ did he tiptoe into that house,

he found friend on pc playing wow and me watching the simpsons movie

i think he gets it now, as hes been more his usual self, off for a long chat now.

aibu to ask to go back another evening to friends??

thanks as usual ladies.

Hi JjandtheBean

I agree with DetectiveTate, your DP might feel upset with you not being able to talk to him about things, and that you're talking to someone outside your relationship.

I can fully understand why though, that's why people post on MN to get support away from their immediate situations, which can feel as though you're trapped in a bubble that's hard to get out, talking round and round in circles and never getting anywhere.

It must be made so much harder to get privacy for you both to talk when you're living at your mums.

Have you said to him what you've outlined in your OP? How did he react, does he want to be reassured? Or do you think he'll feel like that whatever you say?

X posts with you there jj, that sounds good that hes more of his usual self, hope the chat goes well

YANBU to want to spend time with your friend if it brings you comfort.

I am trying to imagine how I might feel if DH was going to see a female friend for a similar reason. I know that I would be jealous - not because I would think anything sexual was happening - but just because I would be sad and resentful that he couldn't find that comfort with me.

alibaba,

i realised that too, and i said to him, i understand, im an extremely jealous person and it was thoughtless of me to not think, but he had originally said its fine, off you go etc,

thing is this friend listens, we talk, we never hug or have any physical contact at all. dp gives me comfort, friend lets me let off steam and never ever sayes what i want to hear, he gives me kind but truthfull answers.

maybe we are 'too close' for dp hes just been around for some hard parts of my life, and gets me.

JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns
Doesn't your dh give you kind but truthful answers?

Explain your last bit too DP and tell him that you are trying to give him a break from listening to you vent or whatever. Say to him that you don't want to bring him down too. He may prefer that you do talk to him.

I know how you feel though. I find it much easier to open up to my friends than to DH. And thats when I do open up. I am a pretty closed book which is something DH mentions now and again and I don't like talking about my feelings and stuff. DH would like me to talk more to him but I'm just not that sort of person. Your DP may want you to talk to him more.

gtamom, hes too kind, he sayes the it will be ok stuff, whereas friend will say, this is what will be ok, but here you need to fix and so on.

detective, i do talk to him but feel hes fed up of listening or i get the, im tired line.

we spoke today and he understands more after feeling he needed to read all my texts, but since i had nothing to hide i was happy for him to do so.