in thinking that we should stop castigating single mothers and concentrate much more on men who walk away and never support their children.

[TheJollyPirate]

As far as I can see - including on here the woman receives the most vitriol. Single mother on benefits, feckless, drain on the tax payer etc etc etc. Rarely does anyone mention the man or men who left her in this situation. Okay so it takes two to make a baby and perhaps she made very unwise choices but even so she is the one there for her children, supporting them, loving them, helping them through everything. Sometimes she is on benefits and sometimes not.
Why though are we not looking far more at the legion of men who have walked away - sometimes never to support the offspring they have created? Why do we bang on and on about the woman who is struggling?
Why is all our focus on getting these women into work when they already do a full time job in caring for their children. Okay so you have the likes of superwoman Nicola Horlick who worked all the hours God sent AND had the perfect family. She also had a supportive husband, nannies, cleaners all of which would not be available to most women living alone and struggling.
The woman whose husband/partner walks out leaving her to manage alone. Why should her children who may already be traumatised by the split be further traumatised by the removal of their mother into the workplace when she has always been there when they come home.

Just saying that I think we concentrate on the wrong things. Why are we not addressing the issue of the Dads who have walked away?

YANBU

I've seen plenty of threads on here berating the feckless, absentee father - I think the vitriol is pretty much an even spread!

I don't think people here do let fathers get away scott free. But it's a bit hard to spot a no hoper dad out on the street, isn't it??? I mean, which of the dozens of men you see out there is the dad who has abandoned the woman with the children? Also, they're not the ones receiving benefits for the children, so again, not so easy to spot.

Single mothers, on the other hand, are a bit easier to spot, aren't they, especially of on benefits or in social housing. I agrtee that it doesn't make it right to give them a hard time though, they're single mothers for hugely different reasons and noone really knows what has happened to them.

YANBU, the father leaving can happen to anyone. It's not always down to bad choices by the mother. Who'd plan to be a single mum? My parents divorced and I always told myself I'd do better. My children would have a 'proper' family. But here I am.
I never thought when growing up, I'll be a single mum on benefits in a council house, that'll do me. But when you get kicked out of home at 16, you try and make the best of it. I met someone, got married, gave up my dreams of uni to pay the bills, was on the pill but fell pregnant. Life doesn't always deal you the best hand but I'm doing my best on my own and I love my ds and want better for him.

YANBU

Too Right

Yabu. What about all the men denied access to their children?

I don't think this thread is about denied access, that's a whole other topic surely.
I thought it was about people seeing a single mum, possibly not working, possibly a housing association tenant and thinking 'Single mother on benefits, feckless, drain on the tax payer etc etc etc.' I think it's a common assumption. People presume she planned or forced this situation on herself. I don't know why anyone would! It'd be nice to have support and backup. Also it's not forever, I'm going to get back into education and work. I want a better life for us. I do think once the children are at school age any parent not working should be trying to find work or making themselves more eligable. It's good for children to see their parents working.

I have never castigated single mothers, have not seen it on here either

your OP assumed that people do, and that annoys me ALOT

The single/divorced mother are a much easier target to pick up on and through insults at - as they after all are the ones taking form the state more often than not and that means taking taxes from the people that pay them.
Single or divorced mothers are far more vulnarble and a much easier target - after all how can you pick out the absent father who has fucked off and not bothered to help raise his dc?

Take a look at the woman who are jailed for their dc not goign to school - not yet has a male been imprisoned and yet it takes two to make a baby

I have seen it alot on here - especially on the benefit threads. I am not presuming anything - simply saying what I see.

The fathers denied access is a whole other issue and I am aware that it happens and it is equally crap.

YABU, its not just men. What about the women that walk away? They never get a word said about them, or chased for payments etc. My 'mother' never paid a penny for me in her life.

And like someone else said, what about all the men that do give a toss and are denied access by stupid women trying to use their children against their ex's? Unless there is a very very good reason of course.

YABU, theres plenty of threads both ways on here. Plenty of mothers denying access, only allowing the father one day a fortnight etc, not allowing holidays.

Both parents should pay for the child they bought into the world - why should just one? The NRP should pay but the PWC should not expect to not have to work and rely on the state.

I don't think single mums are slated on here very often.

I'm not even sure how often dads are kept away from their children without good reason. I am sure my XP slags me off to high heaven that he doesn't see the children but the police / mediation officer and contact centre could explain that one for him .

Here we go.

JollyPirate, YANBU.

But as you see it is not possible to mention how tough things are on single mums without people insisting you think about men as well.

I agree with HappyMumofOne, tbh.

Meglet - I agree.

People are very quick to believe the 'bitter spurned woman' stereotype for some reason.

I don't know any single mums who expect to not have to work and be supported by the state.

YADNBU, but I know of two single mothers who are proud of the fact that they got pregnant alone simply so they could live off of benefits for years. One actually had a second child for more money. There are some who really do play the system and unfortunately, they are the ones who give others a bad name.

I'm about to be a single mum (though with immense involvement from the dad) and I've had a lot of judgement and cat's bum faces at what I'm doing, so I see both sides of this.

YANBU

Single mums have no choice but to get on with it. Yes, some of them will be on benefits but it tends to be a temporary situation.

Men who abandon their children should be forced to work to repay their debt to their children.

FWIW my OP was not well worded. I do see far less castigating of single mothers on MN than in other places (but it does occur). I was more enraged by a comment on a local newspaper website from some idiot bloke. I poste here (rather unwisely in AIBU) because I have seen a few comments similar - especially when the benefits threads come up. All I can think is "but what about the father"? who rarely rates a mention.

What you are saying relies on too many assumptions. There are single mothers out there who are happy to live on benefits, there are some who decide to leave as they would be "better off on benefits" there are others who are abandoned with no care and no hope of getting off beneifts for some time to come. there are also lots of men who are placed in impossible situations, it is impossible to generalise like this.

As far as I can see vitriol is spread around fairly evenly and on a case by case basis. I have noticed plenty of posters who are quite tough on one op then being toataly supportive and helpful to another, simply based on the responses given by the op. i also remember a quite impressive conversation with a bloke who posted here asking for help even though he was clearly being a total ass - he was told in no uncertain terms.

The fact is that more single mothers post here than single fathers so you are more likely to see SM getting the tough line, it is a %age thing.

Another fact is that you cannot force someone to behave properly, they have to choose to, it seems that mothers are better at choosing to look after their children than fathers in some cases - sad perhaps but there is nothing we can do here to change that!

What was the comment?

YANBU

yanbu
ds is 3 i discovered when pregnant ds father already had a daughter he'd never met and despie promising to stand by me and ds split at 7 months pregnant. never bothered to find out i'd had ds and moved to another town where he me another girl got her pregnant and their ds is 12 months younger than mine! she too is a single mum and he has moved to another town - has 'an amazing new girlfriend so no doubt history will repeat itself..
when he does work it's usually cash in hand or self employed so csa is hard work yet he plays the victim.
so wish laws were stricter on useless lying feckers like him...