to be upset

[quiddity]

Went out this afternoon with my dd, 12, to an event her dad, XP, had organised. I had arranged to meet a friend there and was planning to suggest we go for coffee or ice cream afterwards as I had dd with me so that ruled out various options.

Friend knows I have very few other friends, don't get out much, etc.

She turns up with a friend of hers whom I know slightly. After the event I take dd over to say hi and bye to her dad. When we get back, friend announces, "We're (ie she and other friend) going to a wine bar."

And that was that. Obviously I couldn't go as I had dd with me--which I told her anyway.

So she and other friend went off to the wine bar and dd and I went home.

AIBU to feel they were being extremely inconsiderate?

I am really really upset. I suppose I could have suggested something else but she was so definite about it, it didn't sound as if it was open to discussion.

Yes they were being a little bit insensitive but I'm guessing your friend has no DC? Unlikely that she would have put two and two together. Don't hold it against her as I'm sure she did not mean to exclude you, she just assumed her evening would continue and you would be taking your DD home.

I'm guessing that when you first arranged to meet your friend, there was no mention of the other friend coming along too?

How long ago was this arranged?

I would be upset too. Had you known the other friend was coming along and they were planning to go to the wine bar, you could have arranged a sitter for your dd and gone along too.

sorry, i think yabu to be upset. your friend didn't know you wanted to go somewhere. perhaps she assumed that because you had dd there you wouldn't be up for going anywhere or doing anything afetrwards so she brought her friend because she fancied a childfree drink?

YABU to be upset but I can understand why you are. You'd hoped to spend the rest of the day with your friend but she made other plans.

As you say, you were " planning to suggest we go for coffee or ice cream afterwards" If you didn't get further than planning to suggest it then you can't really be upset if she decides to do something else.

"Friend knows I have very few other friends, don't get out much, etc." Perhaps she does know this and that's why she came along today. She may have felt that she'd fulfilled her obligation by spending the afternoon with you and couldn't see anything wrong with spending the rest of the day with someone else.

To be honest with you though, I don't think she is obligated to spend time with you. It's unfair of you to expect her to fall in with your plans just because you have few other friends and don't get out much.

Let it go and in future, if you invite someone along to something and want them to go on somewhere else with you afterwards, ask them when you make the initial invite.

btw, i can also see why you are upset too. but i really don't think your friend has done anything wrong.

I am pretty certain the wine bar idea came from the other friend and hadn't been planned in advance, but came up while I was taking dd to speak to her dad.

My friend does have dcs, though not young enough to need a babysitter, and is also a single mum.

I just thought it would have been more polite for her/them to suggest something that we could all have done rather than something that excluded me and dd.

I didn't suggest anything beforehand because my friend has a track record of not turning up.

Sorry, posted too soon. Thanks for your responses. I know I tend to overreact to things like this because I get out so rarely, so opportunities to be around peopleor the lack of themseem more important than they might to someone else.

you are right, it would have been polite to ask if you could come but then maybe they didn't want to be socialising with a child present. if your friend is a single mum then maybe she values her child free time quite alot.

i am a single parent aswell and i remember one time my mum offered to babysit my son for me so i could just chill at home and have a lie in the next day. my cousin phoned me to ask if i wanted to come round for a drink when he heard i had no ds. he thought he was doing a nice thing by asking me round (and he was) but he has a daughter slightly younger than my son and she doesn't go to bed til she falls asleep on the sofa. i told him no thanks i would just prefer to have some alone time. i was so happy to have some child free time. i didn't want to be swapping one for another especially if the point of going to my cousins was to relax and have a drink.

I see what you're saying about it being more polite to have found something you could all do together, I would have done, and clearly you would have done too in her position but not everyone is as lovely as us.

If she has a habit of not turning up then it might be time to find yourself some more reliable friends. You say you have a lack of opportunities to be around people. Is that due to lack of free time or because you always have your daughter with you?

If it's due to lack of free time then your time is too precious to waste on someone that sometimes doesn't bother to turn up. If it's because you're never child free then you're not alone. Have a look at the Meet Up board on here and see if there's anyone local to you that wants to meet up or alternatively have a look the Netmums Meet a Mum board. Contrary to popular belief, they're not all "Huns" and I met a lovely friend through the Netmums board.

i also met a lovely friend who isn't at all 'hun-like' through netmums.

Would love to be able to meet up, but I am 1000s of miles away.

The lack of opportunities to be around people is due to terrible social phobia. There are very few things I am brave enough to do alone and I usually have no one to do things with. It takes me forever to make acquaintances, far less friends.

Re friend feeling obligated--I'm very aware of that and am terrified it might happen. As it is, recently she has invited me along to events that other people have invited her to. I can't usually go though, because it's too last-minute to get a babysitter/ticket or because I feel awkward about tagging along.

I'm grateful to her for thinking of me when that happens but it makes me feel so lame, as if I am more of a charity case than a friend.