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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask DS's bio father to buy his uniform?

27 replies

Aldrin · 29/08/2010 22:37

I need to say right of the bat that DS's father does give me money (privately not through CSA), broadly in line with what he would be asked to pay if I did go to the CSA.

Times are really, really tight for us (me, DP, 3DCs - younger two are mine and DPs). DP's hours were cut and we're both looking for extra work but it's just not happening.

Got DS1 to try on his uniform today and it's all much too small - too tight and too short, especially the trousers.

Texted his father to ask that he pick up a couple of pairs of school trousers this weekend (his w/e with DS), and maybe another pair of shoes.

He said no, that was what the money he gives me is for.

I don't disagree but it's gone on food and rent and bills - all just as necessary for DS.

AIBU to think DS's father is being unfair?

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 29/08/2010 22:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SecretNutellaFix · 29/08/2010 22:39

yabu- you need to budget for ds clothing from the amount he gives you. I understand things are tight, but he has already given money towards the cost.

LucyLouLou · 29/08/2010 22:42

Technically, YABU to expect it, but I think the spirit of your post means YANBU. Your DS's father is right, the money he gives should cover things like that, it shouldn't be for rent and bills. That said, I totally get that money is tight sometimes and you have to do your best and make difficult decisions for the benefit of everyone.

I don't think there's anything you can do here. Your DS's dad has given the money and that's that. He's not being unfair. He could argue he is not giving you money to support your DP and other children and if you use the maintainance money for that, that's your decision, but he shouldn't be expected to pay more. Again though, I see where you're coming from, but you can't expect more money when it's already been given.

Hope you figure something out.

Original poster
Aldrin · 29/08/2010 22:42

I offered for him to deduct the cost from his next support payment and he still said no Sad

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 29/08/2010 22:43

I think this would depend on how much money he gives you and whether it is truly enough money to properly support a child. Tbh though, if he has more money than you, I don't think it would be wrong for him to buy a few things.

StewieGriffinsMom · 29/08/2010 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LucyLouLou · 29/08/2010 22:46

It's very sad he's not willing to be more flexible, I quite agree, but unfortunately, he's completely within his right to stick to this. It's a shame you guys can't have a little more elasticity in your arrangements, but he's not doing anything wrong to refuse your request.

teameric · 29/08/2010 22:47

YANBU, my ex gives me money for DS every month (privately) but I still ask him to go half each on other stuff (most recently DS's new school uniform which costs a fortune) because times a hard for me and DH at the moment and my ex is on good money. Luckily I still have a good relationship with him and he doesn't mind paying for extra stuff, in fact he always asks.

Vallhala · 29/08/2010 22:51

Lucy as far as I recall (unless I dreamt it!) in the eyes of the CSA maintainence money is intended to be a contribution towards the child's accommodation costs, fuel use and so on.

It really does depend on how much money he gives you and whether he can afford more. If the sum he gives you is by no means excessive and he can afford it then imho YANBU to at ask him to contribute.

As he already provides for DS in line with current expectations he's only being unfair by refusing if he can afford the uniform and you genuinely cannot. He may otherwise reasonably expect you to make sacrifices and to pay for the uniform partly out of his contribution and partly from your own purse.

Original poster
Aldrin · 29/08/2010 22:53

He can afford it, no question - could give examples but he is fairly well off, certainly 'comfortable' with plenty of disposable income. The fact he won't even deduct the amount from the next payment is what makes me think HIBU.

I know he is not required to help, just wish he would Sad

OP posts:
MrsCrafty · 29/08/2010 22:58

Unless your DS goes to a school which 'insists' on logos', can you not pop up to Asda for the first month. Surely you can sort him out for about £20. 2 shirts, a sweatshirt and trousers.

I know I am fed up as DD starts school this year and £70.00 lighter after yesterdays visit from Clarks hasn't left me feeling very good. They also have to have stuff with the bleedin' logo on. So off to uniform shop tomorrow.

Original poster
Aldrin · 29/08/2010 23:02

MrsCrafty, could get away with 2 pairs of trousers and shoes and ASDA would be fine. Please don't look down on me for this but we really, really don't have even £20 spare. Living out of our cupboards for at least another 2 weeks and getting milk vouchers!

Will need to borrow from my parents.

OP posts:
MangoTango · 29/08/2010 23:06

I think Tesco were doing an offer where you can buy a whole uniform for £10. I saw an ad for it, although can't see it mentioned on their site.

SecretNutellaFix · 29/08/2010 23:07

given that he won't take it out of the next payment hibabu.

MangoTango · 29/08/2010 23:07

Oops. Sorry, crossed posts.

LucyLouLou · 29/08/2010 23:22

:( No one would look down on you for that! I think your X is being petty for sticking to the rules so religiously, it's just shit that he's in the right.

I really do hope you figure all this out okay :).

MangoTango · 29/08/2010 23:34

It says here that you can buy a single uniform for £3.75 and apparently the offer is until they go back to school.

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1286373/Tescos-3-75-school-uniform-puts-retail-giant-class-supermarket-price-war.html

hobbgoblin · 29/08/2010 23:34

Maintenance money is for just that - maintaining your child via clothes, food, warmth, shelter...

So, it is totally fine to have used the money as part of the general costs of life in your family so long as your younger DC haven't had new bikes out of it or something!

I could do with a top up from my ex husband to cover uniforms. I may ask him when I see him next week but won't unless I absolutely have to.

If we argue over this my justification for asking is this:

Maintenance is an arbitary figure. Life does not pan out the way we anticipate and as often as a child and ex wife or husband and her/his child may live hadsomely out of an ex spouse's pay packet via maintenance, a child and his/her parent will struggle with barely enough. Take, for example my youngest DC. She receives ten times as much money as my youngest DS in maintenance because her father earns so much more money than DS's. How fair is that? It makes a mockery of the 'award' amount.

I will say to my ex husband that should I be short of money when an essential puchase comes up I do not say 'sorry kids you've had your lot for this week, it's bread and water for tea tonight' I stump up and do whatever it takes to do find the cash.

Any non resident parent who does not do the same is putting a price on their child save for the minority of those in a situation where the resident parent is taking the proverbial piss. As resident parent it would be wonderful if my children cost the same month in month out with no surprise birthday presents, school trips, lost coats, knackered shoes to pay for...

Maylee · 29/08/2010 23:40

I think your X is BU - if he can afford it then he should give it towards his DS.

Having said that, I can understand a little bit why he is reluctant. You chose to have more children - it's not really down to him to subsidise them as well (which is effecitvely what he is doing because if it was just you and DS, then outgoings would be less and his money would go further). I think?

Not being judgey btw - am a single parent who has similar arrangement with my X.

Giddyup · 29/08/2010 23:41

Its pretty mean of him to not get it and take it off next months payment,YANBU for that.

Meow75 · 30/08/2010 00:26

Have the payments altered at all as the financial situation has altered? School uniforms are not a consideration for me, just now, but would I be right in thinking that, along with everything else their cost has gone up (Tesco deals notwithstanding, ofcourse)

Could you even make that claim to your ex? You don't say how old your DS is, but is he on the verge of needing almost adult sizes for his school uniform? Surely that will cost more than buying for a Y4 or 5 kid?!?!

Altinkum · 30/08/2010 00:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fedupofnamechanging · 30/08/2010 10:23

If it's any comfort, the time will come when he wants something from you that requires you to be flexible wrt your arrangements. You can remind him that you would be well within your rights to say no and watch him squirm.You may decide it's in your childs best interests to be accommodating, but he will know that you didn't have to.

I would double check with the CSA that he is actually paying the right amount. You never know, as your child ages the amounts may differ

ChippingIn · 30/08/2010 11:00

TBH I can see both sides - too many factors to know really who is BU. However, if you can't afford to buy it and haven't just come back from a month in Florida (guessing not!! :() then really, if he can afford to do it, he should. I suppose it depends if he sees you doing things he doesn't 'agree' with (buying 'stuff' etc).

HIBVU to not give you an 'advance' at the very least.

deakell · 30/08/2010 11:01

Well I can see where you are coming from and I do think he should stump up, but then deduct it from your next months payment since it isn't his responsibilty to make up the shortfall you face, in part due to having expanded your family. His logic may well be that his responsibility is for his child only (which in fairness it is) and so why should he have to stump up more money for your larger family because you and DP have run into problems. I can see hobgoblins point (my DH pays maintenance for my SD for the record and we stump up a little more for extras when needed because we offer) but your ex's only responsibility is to his child, not to your family unit as a whole.

I wouldn't follow karmabelievers advice, personally. You then start on a long slippery road of being awkward with each other and in turn you will then also suffer in the future when he chooses not to be flexible with you.

Remember, he doesn't have to give you this extra money and tit for tat is pretty childish.

School shoes aren't cheap, bought my DS some on Saturday and they were £32 from Clarks, so it's not like your just asking for a fiver is it.