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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think I 'owe' my Dad a home...

23 replies

Minxie1977 · 29/08/2010 21:58

DH and I intended to buy a house with an annexe for my DF. He moved in with us while we were waiting for sale to go through and gave up his old place. It fell through and, due to difficult times, we couldn't find anywhere else affordable. We bought a new house and DF live in our old one (which we couldn't sell due to negative equity). It's been hard paying for 2 properties and now we need to sell old house. Dh and I are torn about what to do next. Build a 'grandad' annexe (which we will struggle to afford) or leave him to work something out with council.

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 29/08/2010 22:15

One minute he's giving up his old home to live with you and now there's no room for him! How does he feel about it?

Original poster
Minxie1977 · 29/08/2010 22:18

He understands that the house fell through and we couldn't afford anything else with an annexe. He's glad he moved to our area to be near us and DD. He's sad it didn't work out as planned, just like we all are.

OP posts:
turtled · 29/08/2010 22:19

It depends on alot of things.

How old is he? How is his health? Do you have a good relationship?

Original poster
Minxie1977 · 29/08/2010 22:21

He's 65 and in good health - apart from mild arthritis. We love each other dearly - we do rub each other up the wrong way when we live under same roof - that's why annexe was ideal. He's close but not in our pockets.

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SugarMousePink · 29/08/2010 22:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

musicmadness · 29/08/2010 22:24

I think if he sold his old house on the basis of moving in with you then you need to help him find a new home. Whether thats by building a "Grandad annexe" or helping him sort something out with the council is down to what your exact circumstances are and you really need to sit down and discuss it with him. Try to figure out together what is possible and what you would like to do.

deakell · 29/08/2010 22:25

You don't owe him a home, no. When you say he gave up his old place, what do you mean? Sold it, gave it up to council?
Is he able to help contribute to the cost of building an annexe at all? That way, it's a lot cheaper than buying a place outright for him, and he's still nearby to you.

stripeyknickersspottysocks · 29/08/2010 22:26

Did he rent his old home, or was it a house that he sold? Can he buy another near you?

If he has to rent via the council is this what he did before? I think for me it would depend on what the quality of any housing he's likely to be offered is like. If its a grotty bedsit in a rough part of town I'd be building the annexe. You could remortgage for it and then he could pay some rent which would go towards paying the extra mortgage cost and you'd have a more valuable house at the end of the day.

Original poster
Minxie1977 · 29/08/2010 22:27

No he couldn't contribute to the build.

I have tried to talk to him - not much of a talker - he said not to worry about him, should get on with my own life, he can sort himself out but he'd love to live with us if he had the choice. He gets quite upset about talking through anything, just says it's up to me to decide.

OP posts:
Original poster
Minxie1977 · 29/08/2010 22:32

He lived in a static home which he sold for hardly anything. After DM died he couldn't bear to stay in the house but wanted some company. His friend suggested a holiday park for sense of community. He was happy there but missed me, and when I got pg wanted to move near us. He couldn't think of a way to do it, then DH and I wanted to move and suggested the annexe.

OP posts:
SugarMousePink · 29/08/2010 22:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

deakell · 29/08/2010 22:34

Well Minxie, I would say you don't owe him, but if you will feel great guilt AND can somehow manage to afford it AND he can give you some money per week for living costs (is this last point something you can discuss with him?) then I say build the annexe.

Without in anyway being Machiavellia with regards to property value in years to come, you will have something that's worth a little more and he will have a happy life.

Of course, if you really don't want to, then the council will house him won't they?

smellmycheese · 29/08/2010 22:39

stretching yourself to afford the annex will be a hell of a lot easier to live with than the feeling that you let your Dad down IMO

I know he has said not to worry about him, but he has also said if it was his choice he'd live with you. He's not going to say this is what he really really wants at risk of feeling like a burden on you.

I would do all i could to keep him with the family.

Original poster
Minxie1977 · 29/08/2010 22:42

When you put it like that it seems obv. we should do annexe - maybe there are other reasons I'm holding back Confused I am a bit concerned we will lose some family time/privacy I guess. DH and I often go into garden for a drink & chat when DD goes to bed - would I hate thinking DF was sat alone watching us but want that ttime for us. Annexe would go where DH's keeps all his boring bloke things, so he'd be losing his space. Guess I want to do it for right reasons - whatever they are - not just because I feel guilty I've let him down!

OP posts:
SugarMousePink · 30/08/2010 13:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2rebecca · 30/08/2010 14:06

It sounds as though in retrospect the whole annex idea was rushed and poorly thought through if it's now unaffordable it was probably never that affordable in the first place.
65 is very young to be moving in with you for good. If his house didn't raise much money and don't see why he sold it before you had bought somewhere suitable.
You need to find him somewhere else to live as you have made him homeless.

SugarMousePink · 30/08/2010 14:15

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2rebecca · 30/08/2010 14:27

I just think if I was in the OP's position I'd feel it was up to me to find somewhere for my dad. Different if you told him to wait to sell his house until the sale had gone through and he ignored you, then he has to bear some responsibilty.

Original poster
Minxie1977 · 30/08/2010 14:37

I do feel responsible - he's my DF, I love him. He didn't sell a house, as I said earlier, he sold his place at a holiday park for very little. We suggested the house with annexe, he was thrilled and sold early to aviod paying further park fees. It coincided with his retirement too so all seemed to fit into place. Then house fell through, our shares plummeted and there were no other suitable properties we could afford. I do want to see him right, if he had nowhere he could live with me tomorrow. We all made our choices at the time and things went wrong, I do feel guilty and responsible.

OP posts:
SugarMousePink · 30/08/2010 15:20

This reply has been deleted

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2rebecca · 30/08/2010 15:24

It sounds as though it wasn't just his holiday place though, but his main home.
I agree alot of it just sounds like bad luck. If his mobile home wasn't expensive though could he not buy something sinilar again with the money he got from selling? Or apply for sheltered housing etc.

SugarMousePink · 30/08/2010 15:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

alicet · 30/08/2010 15:36

Would it work for your dad to buy a second hand static caravan similar to what he had before (with financial help from you) and put this where you would otherwise put the annexe? This would be a LOT cheaper(I know friends who bought one for about 2K to live in while they built their home) than building an annexe and if it doesn't work out you may well be able to find a similar holiday park for him in the same static caravan.

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