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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it really important to say I do now?.

17 replies

starohbright · 29/08/2010 20:41

Next year dp and I would of known each other 20 years,I was wandering if its really worth tying the knot as this would be the ideal time for us as a family this far along the line, or is the saying true if its not broke dont fix it?.

OP posts:
BabyBolat · 29/08/2010 20:46

Do you want to marry him star?

maddy68 · 29/08/2010 20:46

why change things?
if you are happy then let it lie, if it matters to you then go ahead

MrsVidic · 29/08/2010 20:46

if you're happy- and have wills (are secure if something bad happens) then I wouldn't rock the boat unless you want a massive celebration

hairytriangle · 29/08/2010 20:49

if it's not broken, don't fix it ;)

BabyBolat · 29/08/2010 20:52

If you want to marry him you should. A ring and piece of paper (and a big / little ceremony) doesn't have to change things, but if you are not bothered about it then don't worry.

Original poster
starohbright · 29/08/2010 21:10

I love him very much ,he has given me two lovely children,marriage used to mean alot to me now its not so important.

We do however need to do wills, mainly because of our dc's which is selfish on our part mainly because of the heartache and implications it could leave if anything was to happen to us.

OP posts:
zipzap · 30/08/2010 00:00

It's not just wills - there are tax implications too if you are not married...

I'm not an expert but think it is things like if you jointly owned a home together then if you were married it would automatically go to you without any tax due but if you are not married then you potentially would have to pay tax on it, which might mean that you can no longer afford to be in the house as you have to sell it in order to pay the death duties.

definitely worth checking out and deciding what's what...

might be that you decide to nip out to the registry office one lunchtime and get the piece of paper but don't tell anyone and otherwise carry on exactly the same. just with a piece of paper that will stop the tax man grabbing chunks of money if the worst should happen to either of you.

scottishmummy · 30/08/2010 00:11

what do you want,if you are conforming for sake of others-ask why

cat64 · 30/08/2010 00:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
starohbright · 30/08/2010 08:53

I would never conform for others and I see how others do,I see the importance when children are brought into a relationship though ,I would like to protect them if it means marriage is the answer to the paperwork and entitlement then I will marry no question and for love as well.

Although we have already commited in my mind with our two dc's.
But if we were to marry it would be with no fuss and me, dh,dc's and elopeGrin.

OP posts:
venusandmars · 30/08/2010 09:48

Star, we got married last year after 15 years together. We had been deeply committed to each other since very early on, but had not felt the need to be married. Last year it just felt like the right time for us, and so we did it. It was lovely (just us and dcs at the ceremony) and it felt very deliberate and special. Don;t belittle what you want to do by pretending it for legal reasons. Just do it because you love each other and it feels the right thing for now.

onlyjoking9329 · 30/08/2010 09:56

If you both want to get married and aren't doing it cos you think you should then do it, if you decide not to get married please do sort out wills I know people think that their partner won't die, I thought that too, my DH did die, if we weren't married then it would have been a bigger nightmare with his family and also widowed parents allowance is only paid if you were married.

Original poster
starohbright · 30/08/2010 10:05

Im so sorry to hear that Onlyjoking that is so sad,thank you for the advice you have brought tears to my eyes.

I will do a will asap without a doubt, at least then we are covered there.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 30/08/2010 11:18

If you feel that it is the right time for your family, then yes you should marry. If you would prefer, you don't need to make a big announcement of it, it can be done very quietly, just yourselves and your witnesses (my sister married this way, then a nice table for four at her favourite restaurant afterwards).

Personally, I married because it took care of all the legal aspects in the way that I wanted. Yes, I could have made wills and declarations to my employer's pension funds and the like, but it just seemed simpler to marry.

BaggedandTagged · 30/08/2010 11:42

You still need a will if you ARE married. Don't assume that everything will just go to your spouse automatically - it doesn't. Anyone can make a claim on the estate, and even if they are talking out of their butt, it can still freeze the estate whilst the claim is considered. A simple will is very cheap and easy to sort out.

The main benefit of being married in a "death" situation is IHT. If you pass your estate to your spouse, you dont pay IHT as transfers of assets between a married couple are treated as "no transfer". If you are just partners, this is not the case- IHT is payable. Whether this is relevant depends on if you have assets over the IHT threshhold which is around £375k- i.e. if less than this then you wouldn't have to pay IHT anyway.

DetectivePotato · 30/08/2010 11:43

My uncle married my aunt a couple of years ago. They had been engaged for 23 years!

They got around to it in the end.

If you want to do it, just do it.

NeedToSleepZZZ · 30/08/2010 12:39

It is a difficult situation, my mum and her dp have been together for nearly 30 years and have no plans to get married but I keep trying to tell them to just go off for a weekend and do it privately so that they have certain things protected if something were to happen. They are happy together and neither feel the need to have a marriage license to prove this.
I also think that my mum's marriage to my father may have had an effect on her views.
YANBU to not get married but I think it is sensible to do so.

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