To think OH is being selfish?

[rpickett]

I'm so stressed, I'm 7 months pregnant and have two sons under two and I feel so trapped, I love my boys with all my heart but sometimes I would like a break.
My OH currently only works weekend nights 9pm-3am and is "home" during the day during the week, only he isn't the last few months he is out most of the time trying to find work a dayshift job which I thought would mean he could give up the door work and be at home weekends so maybe I can have the odd night out.
Now he is saying that even when he gets a 9-5 mon-fri job he will still work the doors because he enjoys it, fair enough you would think but all I think is what about me, I am home all day everyday, have no friends in the area and no where really to go.
We wont really need him to work two jobs as the day job will cover everything we need, so its not a case of money it is because it's what HE wants to do and sod everyone else.

When I try and speak to him and say I feel it's unfair because I have given eveything up for our family he just says "thats parenthood" but he hasn't given anything up, I have never stopped him doing anything he wants and I feel that being out of the house 7am-7pm monday to friday the 9pm-3am friday and sat night is excessive as he wont see the children as they ge up at 8am and go to bed at 7pm, Plus I will have a newborn to deal with as well.

I think every parent deserves a break from time to time and I know some people will say their OH has to work this often because of money, but I feel it's unfair to be on my own for so long. AIBU?

Would you be able to get a night out in the week or be able to go out in the day at the weekend?

YANBU. How strange that he wants to work two jobs, and be out all the time rather than a) see his DCs b) see you and c) help you out and give you some time off. Point that out to him and ask him why that is.

Thats the problem, by the time he gets home I am shattered ad don't often finish doing househol chores until gone 9pm as I don't get much help, I have been out one saturday daytime and ended up getting called back as he needed to go to work early and because he works till 3am by the time he gets to bed it's around 4am so he won get outta bed before midday (fair enough) so I have no time to really go anywhere our nearest decent town is an hour away by bus.

If the money from his weekend job isn't needed could you use some of it to help you, getting a cleaner or a babysitter in to help you?

Not ok. You can't carry on like that - it's not working for you as a family. I hope you can get him to see this, as if not you are going to end up very stressed and resentful. If he wants to do it for the extra cash then maybe he could do it for 3 months say, and put the night wages away for something specific. (though not when your baby is newborn!) I could suck it up if it were time limited and for a good cause. In fact, if he does it for any period of time, two of the things I would insist the extra cash paid for would be a cleaner and a babysitter once a week! You cannot do all that on your own, and if he won't help you then he can pay someone to help you. The fact that he will barely have a relationship with his wife or children is his lookout really...

It's a nice idea to get someone in (babysitter or cleaner) bu TBH I'd rather my kids had time with their dad especially with a newborn to cope with.

If you want the situation to change, you will need to make your (d)h see that you are no longer prepared to accept things the way they are. Yes, he is providing for his family, but he also needs to spend time with them and help round the house.
Because you are the mother, does not mean you are responsible for everything and give up everything, while he continues to get his needs and wishes met. Much does have to be given up when dc come along, but this is on BOTH sides.
Dont talk feelings to him, tell him clearly what you expect from him. If he gets a day job, you do not expect him to do the weekend job as well-you expect him to be at home helping with the dc and spending time with you.
Why are you still doing chores at 9pm? Where is your dh? Does he take a turn with cooking/cleaning/putting dc to bed?
You need to take a couple hrs totally for yourself a couple times a week-go shopping,to the library,start an OU Course, whatever, but make it clear, that this is what you are going to do.
With 2dc under 2, and a newborn on the way, things must change, or you will totally burn-out. Take Care.