to feel a bit let down by dh

[smallisbeautiful]

My dh has been away the last two weekends and working late etc for the last fortnight, so has only seen our two dds (2 &1) for a snap shot of time.

They are ultra clingy and want his attention all the time when he is around at the moment which is understandable.

I am a sahm and they are taken out every, exercised and entertained so they are very social little butterflies, and i also take them to the pils once a week so they get to see them.

Anyway he woke this morning and said he never wakes up with that hum drum feeling and is really looking forward to this weekend. We have planned to take the girls to a farm tmrw and have invited pils so they can enjoy the experience too.

So once the girls got up from their nap i suggested the park and he said why don't we pop over to my moms for lunch and we can take them after - bearing in mind it has rained solidly all week so with the sun shining i thought it would be nice- i agreed.

He sat there for 2.5hrs watching the cricket- i asked him three times that we should be leaving for the park and would he mind shifting, only to responded to just ten more minutes.

Now some would say I should have tried harder and this the point I'll get flamed but the pil clearly didn't want us to leave so i just backed down.

What i'm bothered about is that he didn't interact with the kids, he just sat there, had his lunch made and had his mother faff over him.

why doesn't he DO something with the kids...?? He didn't even interact with them when they brought him toys.

I am expected to do everything, which is fine because I am a sahm and basically that is my job, but considering he hasn't be around much lately he would want to do something with just his family.

So we are spending 2 of the 3 days of this bank holiday with the pils where he just either watches sport, checks the internet for scores on his phone or obsess about what time the bloody football starts- and to top it off i know we will have to listen to fucking talksport all the way home from the farm tmrw!!!!!!!!!!!

I know i will get lots of 'what you moaning for, and whats your point; but i just want a bit of sympathy!

god sorry how super long this

I don't think you are being unreasonable. And I speak as wife of sports mad dh who spends all day with cricket etc on radio or tv. BUT he is SAHD ( sort of. Be works from home and is domestic goddess and picks dc from school) so it evens itself out.
I certainly don't agree that bacause you are SAHM you have to do everything, ESP when he's around and the dc are desperate to spend quality time with him.
How about bringing it up over a nice dinner etc, don't accuse or get angry. Explain how you feel and what you think is fair to expect. If you go in fuming and finger pointing he'll prob just be defensive and you won't get result you want.

already done the pointy finger thing- he makes me so angry, his defensive was that it showered slightly and that the girls would get wet, so annoyed, its a small thing but just cheesed me off.

Oh and i am told repeatedly that being a sahm does mean that i have do everything!!! The man is so lazy he even had artifical lawn laid so he didn't have to mow it!!!

TBH, I can´t understand why you had to see his parents today if you are going somewhere with them tomorrow?

So with his first bit of free time he wants to see his parents?

Wierd!

exactly, exactly- weird!!

mommys boy mind, she's like the real life mary poppins too. Him and his sister still had their arses wiped at 15! - only joking but wouldn't be suprised.

thanks diddl he's an arse- i'm taking the computer to bed with a big bag of biscuits and eat them on his side so the crummies irritate him- ha ha!!!

I can understand him wanting to switch off, everybody has to at some point in the day (although he is without doubt being unreasonable just for watching the yawntastic bloody cricket).

Saying that, I'm like you and don't go out to a paid job, so theoretically am on call 24/7, so where's your time to switch off?

I don't think you're being unreasonable to expect some attention from your DH for your DC and for yourself, and to want it given freely not just because he feels obliged to.

If he's been brought up to do fuck all for himself you might have trouble after all this time persuading him that it's time to take some responsibility for himself (artificial grass ).

Crumbs in the bed is defo a start, how you can make him see his children and wife wants his undivided attention I'm not sure. You could absence yourselves without telling him to make him realise he shouldn't be taking you for granted?

Agree that he should pay more attention to DCs but have to admit, I would kill for artificial grass...no more mowing, no more weeds, can't relly fault him for that one.
Explain to him that his kids miss him when he is not there so he should really make the effort when he gets the chance.
Also, all men are obsessed with sport...so you are fighting a losing battle there I'm afraid.

What would happen if you were to say in a cheery voice that 'right, yesterday you did cricket, today it's family day, let's all do xyz (that doesn't involve any sort of sport)'?

Or tease him about the sport obsession and challenge him to spend a single day without mentioning sport, looking at it online, listening to it on the radio or tv etc etc. And say that if he does mention it that he loses, you win [insert something suitable here, whether it is he makes dinner for a week or buys you a bottle of wine or looks after the kids for the afternoon while you have an afternoon off etc].

If he wants something in return, if he does manage it, then he'll have had the safisfaction of proving you wrong because you are so sure that he can't do it

I thank the gods my DH doesn't care a whit about any type of sport. I'm surprised you haven't gone doolally! I am a SAHM and if DH told me that I had to do 'everything' the first job on my to-do list would be putting his things in binbags.

Think about your Dad. Did he spend 'quality time' with you? Are you any worse off for it? My dad never did, but he was around about. I knew where to find him if I really needed him and we have a great relationship now. If you're feeling a bit resentful, maybe you should stop feeling like you have to 'do things' with your kids all the time? There's a lot to be said for just leaving kids of that age (and any age) to have quiet time, in their own house, without an adult hovering and directing what they do. (This is not meant to sound judgy, by the way. Sorry if it does).

Well I certainly wouldn´t be wanting to spend time with ILs again today.

Kiwiinkits-my Dad worked long hours so I didn´t see him much-but if I took a toy to him he wouldn´t bloody well ignore me!

I think it´s nice to get out as a family.
IMO time comes soon enough when the children don´t want to do family things.

Dp is not as bad, but he will try to heave conversations etc, while Lao watching sport or checking results. It bugs the he'll out of me!

I always ask, "what matters more at this point, wh,at we're doing/discussing, or the sport?" tbh if it's a live frame he'd have given me prior warning so wouldn't bother.

Why not try to pencil in sports time and ask him to agree that anything outside that time is familyfirst.

I think I would go out for the day on my own, shopping, lunch etc

Leave him to it.....

YANBU op my dh also does this kind of thing and really annoys me, as i can see ds really eager to play with him and doesn't make an effort so i find it quite heartless (although at other times he is v good with him) but when they have so little time with dc if they work long hours and always out the house, i feel they should make an effort with the time available to them, not just sat in front of the telly or when you go to pils and dh ends up going off somewhere to have a nap, mil and fil just doing whatever and you end up just playing with dc by yourself which you could have done @ home - extremely annoying

I think you should talk to him about what kind of relationship he wants to have with his DC. Does he want them to love him and enjoy spending time with him or does he want them to not care whether he is home or not because it makes no difference to them? If he wants the former, then he has to put the effort in now (he should want to).His choice.

For the future, you should refuse to cancel your plans. If he won't get his arse off the sofa, then go out without him. Leave him with his parents and go out.

I also suggest you stop feeling as though everything is your responsibility. It is your job to look after the DC when he is at work, but when he is home the jobs should be shared.

(I would be very tempted to get Sky Sports removed when he is at work)