to be angry with DH?

[angelberry]

DH works part time, and is also doing part time study. A couple of weeks ago,I took our 3 kids out for several hours to give him some peace to study, as he'd fallen behind.
When I got back, I found that not only did he not study, he hadn't even tidied round- the breakfast dishes were untouched, he'd done nothing. He'd spent the afternoon downloading stuff/chatting on a football forum. We had a major row about him not pulling his weight, he apologised, cleaned the house up (as I'd left it for him) and I thought things were sorted.

Today I met with some friends to take the older children out for lunch and to soft play. Although it would have been easier not to take the baby(and he was home all day), I took her anyway so he could have some free time, but asked him if he could get a couple of jobs done round the house. This would have taken him two hours max...we were out for 7 hours. So today, he did tidy a bit, basic clean of the kitchen and picking toys up, but he still didn't do even the bare minimum (rubbish out, washing in, hoovering) and he didn't do any of the jobs he said he'd do. Instead he watched 5 hours of DVDs.

I'm beyond angry now. I feel like I work my butt off to get things nice, and he's just like an extra child in the house. I'm sick of nagging him...I'm not his mother. I haven't the energy for another screaming match.

What to I do about this? We've talked and talked.

Do you specifically say 'I am taking all the dc out so you can get some jobs done /study' before you leave?

What about just not doing it anymore... doing what suits you, so today for instance, take the older 2 out and leave the baby at home. Don't take the kids out to make his life easier. Ask him when he's going to do the things he said he'd do... then let him get on with it with the kids underfoot.

It's fucking annoying - but if talking hasn't worked then all you can do really is not enable his behavior :( or tell him if things don't change he'll have to move out because you have has ENOUGH

Nemofish, yes, we discussed plans beforehand both times.

Chippingin, that's what is bothering me...I don't want to end the relationship, not at all...but I feel like threatening it because it's all I have. You can't 'punish' an adult, can you? Just put up with stuff or leave. It's frustrating.

Genuinely not meaning to offend but I think you should leave it.

You are right, I agree with you, you do more than him and he is a lazy git.

However, I have been divorced twice and I bitched my way out of both marriages on exactly these issues.

You have 3 DCs with him, just put up and think of the good things.

I know that's really anti-feminist but I look at my parents' 50 year marriage when my mother bitched and moaned through her 30s and 40s and now they are in their 70s they are really happy.

I think that sharing parenting, rather than parenting, is really hard.

I'm with chipping.

It sounds like the household is basically revolving around him. Stop that. Do something for yourself. Force the man to act like an adult.

Watching this thread with interest.

Does he ever have the 3 kids while you get a day out e.g. pamper day/shopping etc. I think they honestly have no idea how much work is involved with running a house and looking after 3 kids. A day with them all and a list of chores that need done that day would be a good way to show him in reality what you are doing each day. could be that he is thinking he deserves a break and that you already get an easy life (not trying to attack him btw, just saying that he might not appreciate how hard it is to run a house)

Angel it is hard, you can't punish them like children, even when they are behaving like children!! You can't make an adult do something and if talking (and talking and talking) hasn't worked you either need to find another way of talking or just stop enabling as much as possible - it's fucking annoying though. Have you ever tried telling him that it is wearing you down to a point where you will stop loving him and you wont want to be with him anymore, tell him that you would like him to see the problem now, before it gets too late... The other thing is, we all need 'time out' - do you both get 'time out' to just chill, read the paper, do stuff you as people want to do? because although I don't agree with the way he went about it, it would drive me mad not to have the time to do the things he spent the time doing (does that make sense?).

Hand the kids over to him tomorrow morning, say you are out for 7 hours and it is his turn to parent the children, tidy the house, be responsible for getting all the day's meals on the table while you go off to relax and do nothing, just like he did yesterday.

Don't know if you have anywhere to go but just leave him and the kids and see what happens. Is eldest child old enough to ring you if things get really bad? I know it would probably be nicer for you to be at home alone but as a first attempt it's easier to tell him when you have your hat and coat on, bag packed and keys poised to lock the door behind you!

and even if he has studying to do, well if you leave him in peace to do it chances are he won't bother so what's the point...?

do what zip suggests, and regularly. He is taking the piss and getting away with not pulling his weight I'm afraid.

angelberry how frustrating for you.

Good point that we all need 'time out' though - but where / when is yours?

Thanks for the replies folks!

Chippingin, your second post is spot on, and actually,we had that conversation last night when he got in.

I explained to him that we couldn't keep having the same row...that the resentment would damage our relationship even if I wasn't about to leave over a pile of dirty dishes. I think it got through. He took the kids out today while I got stuff done, as well as doing his share.

As for your other point....yes,he does need more time to relax, and so do I. I admitted this to him last night too...I understand the need to just chill for a few hours. My problem yesterday was a) it isn't a one off; and b) he could have done what needed doing and still relaxed for at least 4 hours.

Anyway, I think it's sorted now. He's a really, really good guy most of the time. He's great with the kids, he looks after them a lot as he's currently working part time.(I work full time in term time) The problem is, I try not to nag or be controlling, but I sometimes have to be or nothing gets done! Men are so frustrating!