...to drop this old friend?

[ohnonotthephoneagain]

Old MN-er, name changed.
An old friend from school has been in touch recently and I have helped her through soemthing quite difficult. I really dissapprove of the way she has behaved but it is over now and I have been kind and supportive to her. However, she seems fine and i don't feel I can let it go. I am saddened that she has behaved the way she has and feel used that i have been dragged into it after minimal contact since I had dc. I feel like I don't want her in my life anymore. Should I tell her how I feel about how she has behaved or just let contact drop (probably could happen fairly easily)? I would find it really hard to tell her but keep composing a letter in my head when I am trying to sleep! DH thinks she should be told and that I am 'too nice' (or too cowardly I think). Don't want to go too much into what she did but it is connected to animals and cruelty (I think) and neglect.

Just let the contact drop.

You're not her boss or her owner, and while telling her what a Bad Person she is might feed your ego for a bit it won't have any effect on her. Formally dropping people ie telling them how dreadful they are is basically self-righteous wank - just let contact fizzle out and get on with your own life.

Given what it's about, which is something I view in the same way as child cruelty or neglect, I'd let her go with a rocket up her ass. Then again, I wouldn't have been kind and supportive to such a person in the first place.

Do you mind me asking why you were so with her to start with?

Oh dear, that's me told SGB!

I am a self righteous whatever when it comes to this sort of behaviour though!

is this old friend of yours the cat in the bin lady?

Thanks, I am inclined to agree with you SGB, am being made to feel she should be told though and I am being chicken by just leaving it. Val - glad to hear from you (we are the same dog-wise btw!). She got in touch as she needed my help and I ended up taking over a bad situation and sorting it our for her dog's sake. I had her dog PTS yesterday and just feel whole htiong was dumped on me as she didn't want to deal with it.

let contact go, but if you do talk to her again, maybe suggest that she doesn't acquire any other animals. i presume you will have to have one more contact, to send her the vet bill...?

I think you should just stretch out contact until it ceases - take the path of least resistance. You have a life to get on with and she is a grown up and she probably knows what she did wrong. Just let it taper as it will be easier for you.

You don't have to champion any causes.

Oh how awful Ohno. I feel for you, what a horrible situation to have to deal with.

I'd be terribly upset if I were you and I'm afraid that it would evolve into anger., the sort which would bug me until I let rip. Depends on how you deal with emotions and how you offload them though. I guess it also depends on how you feel you would deal with the fallout of saying something as opposed to just letting it lie. I'd feel that I'd got it off my chest but maybe you'd feel even worse and very uncomfortable once you'd spoken out and would find it easier to just let the relationship fizzle out.

Hmm. I understand that you probably can't/don't want to post details of what was going on but from what you have posted maybe the 'bad situation' was a matter of her having different priorities to you ie dealing with something awful and not having enough time/energy to deal with the dog's needs as well? In which case you would be being a self-righteous twat if you lectured her about it, but if you feel you can't be friends with her because your priorities are very different then letting it fizzle out is the right way to go.

Not knowing the details but understanding the frustration and late night ruminations(sp?) I can get why you woudl want to speak to her.
I am an awfu one for wanting to keep my moth shut but then the late night thoughts drive me round the bend to the point I have to say something just so my mind will stop and let me bleedin' sleep.
Mostly then, it will come out badly and I will wish I had just spoken up in the first place.
Sometimes I can say it ok and I feel a whole lot better.
Could you speak your mind calmly and then let the friendship fizzle out?

I don't like what you did, I didn't really like being pulled in but could not simply, in conscience, walk away, Please don't involve me again. But havng said that, we are old friends and as long as you don't do it again we're cool.
Then just don't call very much ever again.

Easy to say though. Harder to do.

Not much help then.
Just wanted to say I can understand your late night frustration, really.

There seems to be a lot of people at the moment getting in contact with old school friends, which i don't have a problem with, but i don't think it's a good idea to get too involved with them. You sound like such a nice person and the fact that you are thinking about writing her a letter shows how caring you are. I do think your dh is right when he says that you are too nice. Even though i don't know the full details of your situation, you say at the end that it is something to do with animals and cruelty. If i was in your position i would refuse to have anything to do with this person. I think you should just let things 'fizzle out' and avoid contact with her. If she doesn't get the message then i would write her a letter or tell her to her face, but only if i had to. She sounds like she's not worth the effort.