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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

problems with parents

9 replies

naffedoff · 27/08/2010 12:49

Long story, please bear with me. I live in UK and my parents have lived abroad for about 15 years years in 2 different countries (their decision). We visit when we can (twice last year, more often in previous years)and they never come here. I sometimes take the dcs by myself as dh doesn't really want to holiday at his in-laws all the time -fair enough.
We are going abroad in October and my parents were going to drive from where they live (about 8 hours away) to spend a few days with my dcs who they haven't seen for over 1 year now.However, problem is that a family that we're friendly with are also coming to the same place as us and both dh and ds want to spend time with these friends. I would like to see my parents, but dh is a bit annoyed that they never visit us in UK.
Dh asked me to put my parents off visiting in October, with the proviso that we could go over and stay with them at Christmas, thinking this was a reasonable plan. My dad was furious at this suggestion, saying that I favour friends over family etc and I've had a big row with both my parents and my dh about it. I think my dad may be over-reacting but also my dh is bu. I feel stuck in the middle, as usual. Advice please on how to handle it?

OP posts:
kreecherlivesupstairs · 27/08/2010 12:54

Would it be possible for you to either go early or leave late and see your parents on your own.

AMumInScotland · 27/08/2010 12:57

If they never come to the UK to see you, I'm not sure they can really accuse you of not giving enough priority to family. Your DH's plan sounds fair to me - if your DS doesn't have much relationship with people who never come to see him, then they can't be that surprised if he wants to spend time with friends instead of them.

Sounds like your parents expect you to do all the running, then blame you when it doesn't work out.

ben5 · 27/08/2010 12:58

tell your parents that if they are happy to come to you 8 hours away then they can come to the uk before /after the holiday with your friends. where do your parents live now and where are you planning on going on holiday?

thereisalightanditnevergoesout · 27/08/2010 12:59

But surely if they were that keen to see you more often, then they could actually visit you in the UK? But maybe they're more cross as you'e had a plan and now it's been changed. But them saying that you favour firneds over amily sounds a bit rich to me considering they don't visit you.

I'm sorry you're stuck in the middle. Your parents and your DH aren't being particularly fair to you. Can't you let them slug it out instead?

creampie · 27/08/2010 13:04

Just check that there's no underlying reason for them over reacting though. One of them isn't ill or anything, and worried they need to see you before christmas?

Probably not, but it does seem a bit rich to be having a go at you when they make no effort, so just wondered why.

Original poster
naffedoff · 27/08/2010 13:05

They live in southern Spain and we're going to the Algrave, where we have a property. I would like my parents still to come over, although I really don't want an awkward situation where dh wants to do one thing with friends and my parents are put out. I always feel like I'm trying to keep everyone happy while others just do exactly what the want.

AMIS - that's just what dh thinks as well.

I need to see things as an adult rather than reverting to acting like a child who wants to please their parents. Of course I don't want to upset my mum and dad by this, but now I don't feel like going over at Xmas either - my dad will definitely have to say something about it all if we go.

OP posts:
RonansMummy · 27/08/2010 13:05

Can't you all spend time together in a big happy group?

Why not have your parents there for half the holiday and spend the other half with your friends?

Original poster
naffedoff · 27/08/2010 13:09

RM - you're right. Basically dh wanted me to put them off so he could see his pals and now I'm the one taking the flak. I think I should have insisted otherwise.

OP posts:
sanielle · 27/08/2010 13:13

Your Dh is not being unreasonable. No one wants to spend every holiday with parents in law. If they only live in spain it isn't that hard for them to visit you in the UK sometimes too? I'd have said that to your father when he said you don't worry about family.

your dad isn't some retired east end gangster is he? he is allowed back to the UK? Just I hear they all retire in spain..

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