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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think sister is being lazy?

22 replies

clutterqueen · 26/08/2010 23:05

Is it me or does anyone else think it's rude when you invite someone to your house and they say oh come to ours! My older sister sent me a FB message saying she'd love to see us all so I said why don't you come down for the day? So the next message was - why don't you come here for lunch? It really makes me think she can't be arsed to make the (slight) effort to come here, so if she can't why should I? Obviously I would cook for them, I enjoy that anyway.Why do we have to go there all the time? Grrrrr!

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 26/08/2010 23:21

Can you not say that you went there last time so it is your turn to host? Is it easier for you to go to hers for some reason? I often have family visit us because the DC have all their toys here, so are easier to entertain and other peoples houses are not always baby proof. I do it out of consideration for them as well as myself.

Curiousmama · 26/08/2010 23:23

Some people are more inviters. Is she usually this way? I doubt she means anything by it and I'm sure you cook just as well as her

colditz · 26/08/2010 23:26

I am more of an inviter because ds1 is unsettled in other people's houses. Does she have anyting like that going on?

FallingWithStyle · 26/08/2010 23:30

Dont see anything lazy baout it - I always think the visitor has it easier than the inviter, you just have to turn up after all.
At least thats why I prefer to be the visitor!

LucyLouLou · 26/08/2010 23:34

I agree with Falling. I would say, despite the travelling to your sister's house, it would be a more relaxing time for you than her. Unless there's more to the story than you're letting on, I think your sister sounds lovely for willingly playing hostess.

sharbie · 26/08/2010 23:42

agree with falling

sleepingsowell · 27/08/2010 00:08

I think if you feel she never makes the effort to come to you then that is annoying actually - like she can't be bothered, or isn't comfortable at your place. And it is a bit rude to expect you to go round all the time without making a return trip when invited.

I get this with my SIL/PILs, they almost never come here. THE most annoying thing I find though is that if they do invite us round, they always get on with whatever jobs they were doing before we arrived - I was taught from a very early age to make visitors welcome, make them a drink, and at least stop and talk to them! I've given up the fight now though with the in laws and carry on with my stuff now if ever they do, rarely, come over!

DetectivePotato · 27/08/2010 09:31

We rarely have visitors. It makes me quite sad. Is some cases I prefer to go to others, friends houses, as my house is very small and I couldn't invite more than 1 or 2 at a time which would mean that others would feel like they are being left out. Plus us and the toddlers would all be confined to one room.

She could make the effort though. It sounds as if she can't be bothered tbh.

My ILs never come. My SIL has been here once (I think, I can't even remember if she has) in the nearly 2 years we have lived here. MIL and FIL have been here about 3 times. Then my DH has the nerve to moan that my dad doesn't visit that often. Damn sight more than DH's family, which I pointed out to him the other evening.

majafa · 27/08/2010 10:02

Thats how it is with my sister and I, she rarely comes to mine, all I can think is that she must feel uncomfotable for some reason..

LynetteScavo · 27/08/2010 10:06

Surely it's left effort to go to someone elses house, than to have to entertain them.

Original poster

clutterqueen · 27/08/2010 10:40

I would love to agree with falling but my experience is more like sleeping's. Their kids are teens so we will probably only see them for 5 minutes before they disappear and my brother will get on with jobs and his stuff. (Imeant to say SIL not sister). Thing is the one time they came for lunch we had a great time cos their kids were away from the laptops and so played with my ds and were on great form. Soo many times i've been over there and she's said oh stay and hang out then they've all just got on with stuff and you're left feeling like a right lemon!
A few years ago we were over there for lunch and we decided to leave after and then i had dd1 that night. Later she said oh you left in such a hurry cos you must have been in labour but it was actually because they were having a major protracted row, the kids were in their bedrooms and we didn't know where to put ourselves!
Long sigh...

OP posts:

compo · 27/08/2010 10:43

I much prefer going to other peoples for lunch
it hardly ever happens and is lovely having someone else cook for me

anyabanya · 27/08/2010 10:48

Actually, I hate people who when you invite them turn it around somehow and make you do what THEY want. I have a friend who if i say 'Oh, I am going to the movies to see Shrek, would you like to join' says 'yes' but then says 'How about we see Texas chainsaw massacre the 52nd, I don't want to see Shrek' then 'how about you come to my place to pick me up' then 'Oh, it's raining, why don't we wait a bit' then ' Oh, let's stay in and watch a dvd' then 'Oh, Top Gear is on' so that is what we end up doing, and every time I wonder HOW it happened that I wanted to go and see Shrek and ended up in someone else's home on my day off watching re-runs of Top Gear.

Original poster

clutterqueen · 27/08/2010 10:54

That's terrible anya! (but also quite funny the way you describe it!). So very annoying.
Have you tackled this situation? Should I?
Should i try and be breezy and say oh we always come to you?

OP posts:

anyabanya · 27/08/2010 11:01

I tackled the situation by moving countries.

Seriously though, I got so flipping irritated by it that when it happens, I would say 'Oh, no, thanks, i wanted to go and see Shrek, so I guess I'll catch you later'. Cue sulking from her.

But I think 'breezy' works in this situation. It DOES feel like it is selfish when you get manipulated all the time into fitting into someone else's plans.

swanandduck · 27/08/2010 11:14

YANBU. I have a friend who always does this. Even if we have arranged to go for a night out on our own somewhere central, she will ring during the afternoon with a tale of how behind time she is and she thought how nice it would be if I went over to her (other side of city) and she would cook dinner. It really, really annoys me.

sarah293 · 27/08/2010 11:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

clutterqueen · 27/08/2010 11:26

The only thing i can think riven is that it's easier for them as a whole. She doesn't drive so would either have to come on the train just her and maybe one of the kids as they probably wouldnt both come down or she has to persuade my brother to buy into it and come down in the car. I know she loves hosting and i am a willing guest but it has to be a two way street doesn't it?

OP posts:

sarah293 · 27/08/2010 12:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SoupDragon · 27/08/2010 12:42

Assuming you do drive then, YABU. it's far easier for you to go tot theirs then for her to come to you.

mmmperuna · 27/08/2010 12:52

Actually in your OP it was her that instigated the whole thing saying she would love to see you, so maybe she was hoping you would say yes when is good for us to come?

youbethemummylion · 27/08/2010 13:19

Maybe she is being lazy but YABU to let it bother you, all you have to do now is turn up with a bottle of wine and a small bunch of flowers and be looked after for the day. Unless you prefer the alternative of having to clean the house because you have visitors, buying in the food, preparing the food, making sure no one goes without drinks etc, making sure no one is too bored/left out, dropping hints that it's time for them to leave, dropping bigger hints it;s time for them to leave and when you finally get the house back to yourselves washing up and tidying up after everybody. Far better to visit than be visited.

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