to want grandparents to look after dc a bit more?

[Mogandmeg]

My dp and I have 2ds, aged 3 and 6 and we live a five minute walk from my parents. Quite a few friends often mention how their dc are with the grandparents which got me thinking ... My parents are great and get on famously with the boys and vice versa but they very rarely ever offer to have them, even for an hour at the weekend, and for it to ever happen I have to ask which makes me feel bad. When I do ask they are only too happy to do so but then it often turns into a big, organised day out somewhere and as this costs lots of money and is rather exhausting for them it only happens about once every 8 weeks or so. I would prefer if they could just have them for about an hour or so every fortnight, just round at their house would be great and just give a bit of time to catch up on stuff or even sit with a cuppa and my feet up ! (Bliss!) I have mentioned this but it doesn't seem to sink in. AIBU about this? Am curious as to how much input other people have from the grandparents? Thanks.

Your children, your responsibility. If you want them to look after them you will need to be blunt and ask outright, but also offer to pay them. Just because they are GPs doesn't mean they are there to be used for childcare.

Agree with SGM.
Have you asked them to do smaller bouts of babysitting rather than big days out?
You are lucky you have them to that- my PILs have never shown any interest in dcs at all.

I think you AB a little U. If I read it correctly you have not asked them outright and have just dropped hints. Also maybe they don't want to be seen as pushy or interfering asking to have their grandkids alone. Neither my parents or my ILs ask outright to mind the kids themselves. My parents will ask but only if they have some specific activity/ event in mind. But they are both delighted to have them anytime (although ILs are not allowed have them alone but that is a different story). i think you are lucky that your parents are so happy to have them, it is a great back up to have, but they are not free childcare for when you want to have a cuppa. If you ask and they agree fair enough but it is a bit much expecting them to offer.

As others have said YABU to expect it but have you tried asking?

I don't think you are BU to want them to help you out sometimes. If you were asking for full time childcare or a lot of babysitting then that would be different. They are your children and not your parents responsibility, but you are your parents child and I think parents should help out their adult children if at all possible (so long as adult DC don't take the piss).

I am very lucky, in that my parents often have my DC if I am going shopping. They don't often have them all at the same time (I have 4 DC), but quite often one or two of my boys will ask to go to my mums rather than out shopping (my mum has a new puppy, which is much more interesting than going out to buy new school uniform). She will also willingly babysit if I want to go to the cinema or out for a meal (although this hasn't happened for a long time, as I am without money at the moment). She will also have the baby if I want to take the boys somewhere (cinema) where I can't easily take a baby.

I feel okay with this, because I also help my parent out a lot, so it's give and take

Agree with deaddei - they probably assume you expect a grand day out eacah time.

Ask them to have the kids for an hour while you get your hair done or something, and play it by ear.

YABU to expect it, especially if you dont talk to them properly about it.

Both sets of GPs live an hour/hour and a half away. If we stay with them they'll babysit in teh evening so that we can go out and DHs parents have had them for a weekend before. That's it, though. The DCs are 6 and 3.

YABU, they are your children and if you want some free time then book childcare.

Grandparents have already raised their own children and should be able to enjoy their grandchildren and not have to start childcaring again.

Perhaps they are ignoring your hints as they feel its your job not theirs.

I disagree with the others and think YANBU.

I think my first ever post on here was about this and I was surprised at nearly everyone telling me YABU.

My nan (brought me up) has my DS from time to time and babysits in the evenings occasionally. I don't take the mick and ask too much. She will help out if I am ill etc.

My MIL, who always says, every time she sees DS (which isn't often) "oh we don't see much of xxxxx" She knows I am always about and I have M.E. and am pregnant. Never offers to help though and she is a damn site fitter and in better health than my nan who cannot do enough. She knows I have had to take DS to my nans occasionally if I have been having a bad day. She is not a hands on GP at all, even though she had no problem feeling me up when I was pregnant all the time and has started on this one from when I was 13 weeks. Grrrrrr.

I thought all GPs were like my nan at one point and they would only be too happy to have their GC, but now I realise that I was very lucky to have my nan as she is brilliant.

a day out every 8 weeks is actually a lot!!
why don't you just ask them directly about having them for a couple of hours to see what they say? may be no use hinting. if you think they would be happy to, and enjoy having them over. if you get the feeling or hints that they don't really want to then i think you will just have to accept it.
maybe some people do have alot of input from gps but many people have much less too, and also sometimes too much involvment can be a bad thing in terms of them undermining or those kind of issues. i think you just need to appreciate the situation as it is, and stop thinking grass will be greener if they mind your dc more and they "should" be doing it etc
so yabu

OP - you're not the only ones.

I fee your pain, but some g'parents just don't feel happy to offer babysitting.

Ask and see what happens. Either way you'll know for the future.

I understand why you feel fed-up about the situation, but as others have said, maybe the GPs just don't want to do any more than they do already. You should just bring it up casually in conversation and see what their reaction is, you might be pleasantly surprised.

I wish my DDs GPs would/could do some babysitting. My PIL are a bit too old and live abroad, so they're out and we wouldn't expect anything of them, although MIL would love to do it if she could. My parents are aout 150 miles away, are pretty busy but fairly fit and in their 60s and have never even had her for an hour when they've visited us or vice versa, in 14 months, I don't think it would occur to them.

mmmmm, I think generally you cant expect GPs to look after your kids if they dont want to but I guess you do have to ask to be sure that they arent offering only because they dont want to.

to assume is not fair as others have said they are your kids.

the poster saying her gran has the kids and is shocked her MIL doesnt offer to help given she is unwell/pregnant etc I think is talkng about something different - that is helping out for a reason but just to have the kids for having the kids sake isnt something that should be expected.

If you want them to do the odd hour or two here and there without it turning into a big day out, you need to start small but with a reason to get the kids back without it being a big day.

So, start off with getting your hair done or a dentist appointment or meeting friend for coffee but something out of the home initially. Then have something else organised for the boys afterwards so you can come home, pick them up en route and have the party or dentist appointment or whatever they have to go to afterwards to go on to.

After they have done the short babysit, lots of reinforcement about how handy it was for them to have done you this big favour, nice that it was just for a short time and that the dgp not all tired out from big day etc etc

Alternatively, could you say invite them around for afternoon tea one day - say the boys want to invite them for a tea party, and let them play tea party with the boys while you hide in the kitchenwith our book

Why don't you ring and say that you have to go and do X (something very child-unfriendly) and ask if they would look after them for an hour? They may feel they have to give treats or they may not be interested in doing sole childcare. Or they may feel that they can't cope with the responsibility.

But to be honest I think YABU to want your parents to look after your DC every couple of weeks so you can put your feet up. Surely they are at school/nursery during the week? And they must go to bed in the evenings? Most grandparents that do childcare do it so that the parents can work, not so they can lounge around.

I think they are being a bit unreasonable and if it was me I would think why dontthey want to see their grandkids. My parents take our daughter usually for one night a week and if we want a weekend away. They also do any childcare in the day as and when I want it.

I usually use my time to go out with my husband, or go away to a hotel or to go out with my friends. They love taking her cause then they getto spend time with her. I know when I have gradkids I will take them for at least a night every couple of weeks if not loads more.

I agree with Stewie. My DD is 7mo and is the only grandchild on my DH's side (DH is an only child) and his parents have never even offered to make a cup of tea despite the fact that I had pre-eclampsia was something of a train wreck for about six weeks after she was born. They've not been round our house for months but when they have been in the past would only take her out for a 10 min walk around the block if we all went! My mum on the other hand came from overseas to look after her when we were invited to a wedding.

I have just gotten used to the fact that they won't be involved very much - but will probably give me shit tomorrow about how they haven't seen her for ages even though it was entirely their choice!

Gosh a day out every 8 weeks you are extremely lucky. My PIL live 5 minutes away have had DD twice in 6 years and complained bitterly about it every time. They have mentioned to a mutual friend that they are not going to be like all their friends and have their grandchild palmed off on them while we go off enjoying ourselves.
We only ask of our backs are to the wall and we have no other option with friends and it is essential we both attend the event.
This is just how some grandparents see it, I have learnt to be grateful for the small crumbs.

You need to ask them and I'm sure they'll be happy to do it. My parents live too far away to be able to do anything for me, but they do look after my bro and sis's dcs whenever asked, but they don't offer they wait to be asked.

Maybe your parents see grandparenting as something to always be fun and interesting, not just babysitting. However, I am sure that if you ask them they would be delighted to keep your DCs company for the odd hour or two whenever you need.

My parents admit to forgetting what it was like when we were small (4 kids in 5 years - no wonder they've blocked forgotten it!) Mum said to me recently that her and dad are often absolutely knackered after an evening, night and morning with my sister's 3 DCs (they are getting on now though - 68 and 73).

Am rambling now, just ask your parents to forego the big adventure dayout in return for some much needed respite for you, I'm sure they'll be happy to help.

Just to add, my SIL did ask my parents to do a regular morning slot with their youngest DS when she went back to work. It was tiring for mum (dad hung about in background I imagine - he always did!) but she was happy to help out. The thing is that mum now misses this now that he's at school. It kept her young having DGC about and she is now feeling her age more. I so wish I wasn't 160m away from her, I could do with the help!

i think you need to actually ask them to have dc, dropping hints isnt enough and confuses people

if you dont ask, you dont get

maybe they think every time they have them they have to go out/spend money/have for hours on end etc

prehaps ask them round to yours and you go to starbucks for a coffee

Not all grandparents' lives circulate around their grandchildren. Both my parents work full time and have their own lives and frankly I don't consider them as free childcare. Even if they didn't both work, I still wouldn't expect this of them.

If people offer, then that is different, but I never expect it or feel disgruntled if they don't.

YANBU. I think if the pressure and responsibility of childrearing was shared around extended family more then surely this can only be a good thing for all involved?

I am not saying that people should be forced to help, just that it would relieve pressure on parents if they had a break occasionally and the child would become more independent but still ideally being looked after in a loving environment.

I agree with other posters who have said that you need to ask, they can say no if they don't want to do it.