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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think they could have told us a little sooner?

15 replies

AllNightMilkBar · 26/08/2010 15:00

My brother is having a significant birthday in the near future and asked DH and I to come along for dinner. As every time we have been to their place before, about 2 hours from home, we have been able to stay there, we thought we would be able to this time.

But, only a few days before the event, they tell us that the dinner is at a local restaurant not their house, and that they want it to be a child free evening/night so have also arranged for their two DC to stay with grandparents for the night, rather than get a babysitter in for all the kids.

They have also offered all available floor and bed space to friends. So, we can't stay there and we can't bring the DC with us, one of whom is still under 4 months old and EBF (but will take expressed milk so I can go out occasionally, but not too far or for too long).

At the moment, we have provisionally arranged to stay with someone else about 30 minutes away, but DH will stay with the DC for the evening, as we do not feel it would be fair to ask them to look after the baby, although they would be fine with the older one. I won't be able to drink (not that I do very often) as I'll need to be able to get back across to the baby.

AIBU to be really pissed off that they didn't tell us a little longer than a week before the event that a) we couldn't stay and b) we couldn't bring the children. If I'd known, I would probably have said we couldn't go, and I'm still quite tempted, as I know I won't enjoy it as much without DH there.

OP posts:

oranges · 26/08/2010 15:02

can you really not take the baby? that seems a bit bonkers to me.

Tinuviel · 26/08/2010 15:25

I would take the baby anyway and leave elder DC with the friends so you can both go, provided friends are OK with that.

sleepingsowell · 26/08/2010 15:50

You could tell your brother that you are going to have to decline as your friends are not now available to stay with. No further hassles.

It just doesn't sound an awful lot of fun for anyone really as you describe it and it was extremely thoughtless of your brother not to explain the full details of the invitation to you.

personally I'd back out but invite your bro over to you for cake and tea another day or something...

fatoftheland · 26/08/2010 16:30

Tinuviel- You would really just take the baby even though the birthday person requested you didn't? I find that rude, if I sent out an invite and said no children I would exoect no children.

Bathsheba · 26/08/2010 16:42

I think you've assumed a lot rather than checking - you seem to have assumed your kids were coming and assumed you were staying there because thats what you have always done in the past.

Speak to them, maybe rearrange what you are going to do for your borthers birthday to a more "family" thing

Marchpane · 26/08/2010 16:42

Yabu. You should have asked about arrangements not just presumed you'd be able stay over

fedupofnamechanging · 26/08/2010 16:53

I would not go. It doesn't sound like a fun night to me. It is their right to have what they want for their party, but it is your right to decline if it is too much hassle for you to go.

Some people just think it is easy to arrange childcare/places to stay and don't consider that your circumstances might be different to theirs.

Who is paying for the meal? If it is them, then fair enough re the no children rule. If it is you, then I would consider it to be up to you if you wanted to take your DC

Starbuck999 · 26/08/2010 16:55

I'd be very annoyed if I went for a meal in a restaurant in the evening to celebrate a big birthday and someone bought along a 4 mth old baby. Not for birthday celebrations at an adults only gathering!

lazarusb · 26/08/2010 17:14

I would decline, explaining that it isn't practical to not to bring along a 4 month old bf baby. Sounds like you'd save yourself a lot of hassle. Invite him for dinner at yours on a different night, maybe arrange a surprise bottle of bubbly at the restaurant on the night?

madamearcati · 26/08/2010 19:06

No you can't take the baby.I'd just not bother going and, as others have said,do something with him on another night

thesecondcoming · 26/08/2010 19:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DetectivePotato · 26/08/2010 19:53

I would do what you are going to do and leave DH with the baby and go yourself.

Why can't you have fun without your DH? Surely this is your family?

You can't take the baby as they have requested no children. Its not like they have said that to others, then are having their own there. If I had mine at a babysitters then someone brought a child (no matter what age) I wouldn't be happy about it.

This is about your brothers birthday, therefore it is up to him how he wants to celebrate it. You shouldn't really have assumed you could stay at his house either unfortunately.

traceybath · 26/08/2010 19:55

Oh dear - well yes assumptions have been made but if I were you I'd just bow out now and say you'll go out another time.

Original poster

AllNightMilkBar · 26/08/2010 20:02

The initial invitation was an email saying 'save the date, we're arranging dinner', nothing further. As they have 2 young children, I naively thought (because its what they normally do) that they would either have it at their house, or that they would have a babysitter at theirs.

I don't want to take either of my DC to the meal, nor have I said anywhere that I do, any more than anyone else would want them there. I completely respect their decision that they want a child free evening, now that I know this to be the case. In fact, even if it were at their home, I would get my older one into bed as per normal so that the adults were free to enjoy themselves, even if they didn't want 100% child free. Even if I did want to, I certainly wouldn't take the baby to the meal without my brother specifically saying it was ok.

Maybe I shouldn't have assumed that we could stay there, but we live 2 hours away, so they will have known that we would need to stay locally, regardless of what we do with the children. If it were the other way round and they were coming to our area, I would certainly expect them to stay, or at least give them first refusal on the available space before offering it to others.

But, I do think they could have made it a little clearer somewhat sooner than now what their wishes were, especially with me being about the only one with a young baby. It is nigh on impossible to arrange a trustworthy babysitter away from home, and it is too far to leave them at home with our trusted babysitter, go for the evening and come back (not to mention, not a lot of fun).

Oh well, you live and learn. I'm still wracking my brains to think of a way round it, as I really don't want to go on my own, but I don't want to let my brother down either.

OP posts:

DetectivePotato · 26/08/2010 20:27

Ok, they should have let you know a bit sooner. But I'm still very confused as to why you really don't want to go on your own, this is you family. Unless you don't really get on with them, I don't see what the problem is.

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