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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be cross that DH going away for 4 days...

22 replies

Boostini · 26/08/2010 11:48

I suspect that I am probably ABU but I need to rant to get it off my chest. My DH is going away this weekend with my FIL, at FIL's instigation to watch the Belgian GP. MIL is staying with me and DS1 - 3yrs and DS2 - 3 months.

It is also our wedding anniversay while he is away and it is not the first time that he and FIL have gone away the same weekend to watch GP

DH did ask me if I was OK about him going, I said it was although really felt that I had been put in a position as had I said no, I woudl be the big bad horrid wife who stopped DH and FIL going away.

However, I really don;t mnd in principle and think it is nice for DH and FIL to spend time together but feel that as DS2 is only 3 months old that really either FIL should not have mentioned the trip or DH should have declined the trip at least for this year.

Am also annoyed that DH and FIL seem to have little regard for the fact it is our wedding anniversay and it seems that for the forseeable future all wedding anniversaries will suffer same fate.

MIL will do her best to help me with babies but she is not in best of health herself and aleady been told, reading between the lines of this comment - " Your Mother is not well herself and needs to be looked after " that I am not to expect much by way of help . Perhaps I am reading too much into that comment.

The upshot is that I will probably have a nice weekend and am wasting energy being cross about it, but today, both sons are unwell and driving me nuts, I am more tired than usual as they are ill rah rah rah !!!

OP posts:

GetOrfMoiLand · 26/08/2010 11:51

I don't think you are being unreasonable for being pissed off.

I don't think you will gain anything from complaining at this stage, however. It is a shame about yoru anniversary, but I think people may think differently about anniversaries - to some people they are very impirtant, to some they are not.

Say to your DH that you do not want him to go away next year on anniversary, that you have accepted that he will miss it this year, but you want him with you next year so you can celebrate it. he can go to another european Grand Prix on a different weekend if need be.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 26/08/2010 11:55

GOML has hit the nail on the head. I think you are BU, you agreed to it. Our anniversary is not at all important to me, nor does DH even remember it, however, it seems it is to you so do make sure it doesn't happen next year.

GetOrfMoiLand · 26/08/2010 12:00

Me and DP are crap with anniversaries. We always forget.

But at least that is both of us feeling the same.

Original poster

Boostini · 26/08/2010 12:02

Yeah, I know I agreed to it but felt I couldn't really say no, as otherwise I would be the bad guy in eyes of FIL and DH. I suppose its because it wouldn't occur to me to have gone away for a few days with DS2 being so young, leaving DH on his own.

OP posts:

laquitar · 26/08/2010 14:14

Book a nice evening (theatre, bar, restaurant) for next weekend, to celebrate the anniversary.

FIL can babysit

nancydrewrocked · 26/08/2010 14:21

YABU to be cross about it now. If you didn't want him to go you really should have said so at the time he mooted the idea.

Do something for your anniversary the following w/e (I know some people consider this to be absolutely perverse but really most celebratory anniversaries do not have to be celebrated on the actual day)

kickassangel · 26/08/2010 14:26

i'm another one who doesn't bother much with anniversaries, so would just book something for another weekend.

do you resent the fact that dh & fil go away with ds so young, or that you don't have an equivalent trip yourself? Once you feel happy to leave ds for a day/night, then get dh to take care of dd while you go & do something you want to do.

as it's an event that only happens once a year, i think you just have to put up with it hitting your anniversary, unless you can persuade them to go to a different gp?

i think if they start expecting you to care for MIL you may need to suggest that they find an alternative, if she really needs to be looked after, then there are care homes she can visit for a few days.

TwasEverThus · 26/08/2010 14:34

Book yourself in NOW to a spa for your next anniversary weekend.

zipzap · 26/08/2010 14:52

Apologies if there is some reason why this isn't possible, but could you get your mum to come and stay with you or a friend who would be more help?

Not sure I would want my MIL to stay with me for several days if DH had gone off with FIL! But that might be just me.

potplant · 26/08/2010 14:58

I wouldn't be impressed either.

But if he asked you if it was OK to go and you said yes then you can't really complain.

Maylee · 26/08/2010 15:03

YANBU to be cross about it. But it's a bit late now you've agreed he can go. Agree with the others - arrange a nice evening out next weekend and get PILs to babysit.

If your MIL isn't able to help, can you ask someone else? Or do you even really need help for 4 days (genuine question - I have one DS so can't comment on coping with more than one!)?

suitejudyblue · 26/08/2010 15:23

I think YABa bitU, four days with two children plus another adult in the house isn't really hard work (you haven't mentioned any special needs so assume there isn't that added complication). A three year old isn't a baby and your MIL can watch a sleeping 3 mth old.

Original poster

Boostini · 26/08/2010 15:44

Thanks for all yr comments ! I do agree that I ABU in so far as I should have had a spine and said I wasn't happy for him to go. I think that it's because we have had a tough week with both children being unwell and the corresponding lack of sleep. I am worried that they will still be ill over the weekend and that I will be on my own to deal with it. If DH was away on a business trip, then I think I would feel differently and woiuld just get on with it, but as it's a "jolly" I feel resentful about it.

I am sure that after all my moaning, I will end up having a good weekend, as do actually enjoy MIL's company and my parents have said that they will have the children some time over the weekend so I can do supermarket shopping etc.

So yes, on balance i am being ABU and thank you all for your views which has helped !!

OP posts:

Maylee · 26/08/2010 15:47

Well, hope you do enjoy your weekend and that your children are a bit better x

scaryteacher · 26/08/2010 15:59

Next year be clever and book into Spa whilst he is at the Grand Prix (same place). There is a reason spas are called that - after Spa in Belgium where the food is great and the treatments are reasonably priced.....he gets the Grand Prix - you get pampered and you get to be together in the evening. Win, win!

jumpforjoy · 26/08/2010 16:23

YANBU. Men always assume your ok with looking after the DC while they go off on the jollies.

Not so easy for mums to saunter off whenever we want.

My DP is very similar except with Golf. Their trick is that they book it and then ask if you mind. If you say yes u do mind then your then you are always seen as the big horrid wife.

If you were to go away for 4 days, how much organising would you have to do compared to how much your DH is doing?

Hope you can enjoy your wknd anyway, maybe a few glasses of wine once kids are in bed will help. :)

FoxyRevenger · 26/08/2010 16:31

Who cares if you look like the bad guy? DH is unreasonable for going but you should have been honest and asked him to forgo it for this year.

FoxyRevenger · 26/08/2010 16:33

Who cares if you look like the bad guy? DH is unreasonable for going but you should have been honest and asked him to forgo it for this year.

kickassangel · 26/08/2010 17:44

jumpforjoy - when i go away (sometimes alone, sometimes with dd) i helpfully suggest things that could be cooked/done, but otherwise dh is on his own. i suspect he lives on popcorn & beer, but really don't care.

mumeeee · 26/08/2010 18:07

YABU. He asked you if it was okay and you said yes, If you really didn't want him to go you should have said so.

minipie · 26/08/2010 18:21

YABU for complaining after you said yes...

but know exactly what you mean about being put in the position of big bad horrid wife. He shouldn't really have asked you if he could go, he should have turned the offer down by himself. (Unless he genuinely didn't expect you to mind but I suspect that's unlikely).

5Foot5 · 26/08/2010 19:42

If this GP is always on at that particular weekend then you are in danger of this becoming a "tradition" that your DH and FIL start to take for granted that they always do and you then never get to celebrate your anniversary.

It is too late to be hacked off about this year but you should make sure you say well in advance that next year you would like the weekend to be for the two of you together.

If it is FIL instigating it then it has probably never entered his head that he his putting his foot in it. Could you have a word with your MIL perhaps to get her on your side so that if FIL looks like doing the same thing next year she has a word with him and makes him realise he is being a bit thoughtless.

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