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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

baby in own room at 1 month old

57 replies

foreverastudent · 25/08/2010 21:12

I am willing to concede that I am probably being a bit unreasonable to be Sad at a friend's parenting choice.

I dont think mums should criticise each other for their choice of parenting techniques so I wont say anything to this friend.

But I do feel a bit sorry for this baby to be turfed out of his parents' room at such a young age so they can have "couple time".

I assume she is not BF and have my suspicions that the pressure for both these choices is coming from her chauvinistic neanderthal DP.

OP posts:
AlgebraRocksMySocks · 25/08/2010 21:14

:( plenty of people do choose to put baby in own room though so you're right not to say anything. but I do feel it's wrong TBH. even the govt says so because of cot death risk.

cyanarasamba · 25/08/2010 21:16

We put DS in his own room at 3 weeks. I was BF and continued to BF for 13 months. It was largely my idea as DS was a very noisy sleeper and I couldn't get any proper rest myself. I feel guilty for this but will probably do the same again when no 2 arrives in October.

So yes, YABU in your assumptions.

sanielle · 25/08/2010 21:19

I'd be scared shitless to leave a one month old on its own in another room. I also think it is cruel. Are we not even allowed to criticise when people are blatantly wrong?

I'd maybe gently bring it up and send her some info on the subject

hester · 25/08/2010 21:21

dd1 slept in with us till 8 months, and that would be my choice again.

BUT I have to say that two friends of mine, incidentally both doctors, chose to put their newborns to sleep in their own room. They're both really sussed women, and both got way more sleep than I did in year one. Happy mums and happy babies, whereas I was a depressed hag.

So I have revised my pursed lips disapproval to a kind of, "Well, it's not the official advice, but it's not the parenting crime of the century either' kind of stance.

OTTMummA · 25/08/2010 21:21

My DS was in his own room at 8 weeks, infact he was always in his own room, i just had room for a bed to sleep in there, at 8 weeks my DH kept telling me just before DS would wake ( aside from his feeding hours ) i would just start snoring, so i was waking him up!
as soon as i moved into my bedroom he slept though with one feed at 10.30 and another at 6am.
He is like it now, can never sleep in a room with much noise at all.
YABU, its a personal choice, im sure they may think Hmm about a few of your parenting choices, doesn't make you or them right

TrillianAstra · 25/08/2010 21:22

How is it cruel? Because there will be a few more seconds between the baby starting to make noise and a parent being there?

FoxyRevenger · 25/08/2010 21:23

Oh god, don't send her some info on the subject. She is, presumably, not stupid, but has made the decision as an adult who has thought it through. I would be offended if someone did that to me!

I wouldn't have done it at one month old, but will certainly be putting my daughter in her own room very shortly - probably at four months as she is an incredibly loud sleeper and now sleeps through.

I'm also not sure how it can be cruel - if the baby is asleep for most of the time, and someone comes to it when it needs something, there's not much difference is there?

traceybath · 25/08/2010 21:24

Well I wouldn't do it and it is contrary to SIDS guidelines but its their choice.

bumpsoon · 25/08/2010 21:27

Its not cruel in any way shape or form , lots of people i know did it because they drove themselves mental staring at a sleeping baby incase anything happened ,put baby in own room and they got alot more sleep and where able to function as a human again and therefore a better parent . I on the other hand have mine with me for at least 12 months ,thats just the way i like it and could probably be counted as cruel for getting up and poking them because i cant hear them breathing !

beccas · 25/08/2010 21:29

Both mine were in own room at one week old - I wasn't getting any sleep with their noisy snuffles and my worried listening... but they are two paces away in my tiny house.
Both breastfed, my decision totally supported by DH, who incidentally didn't get any action for months so it wasn't that at all.

I'm with hester's friends... I get enough sleep and so do they. All happy in our household and both kids have great sleeping patterns - in bed at 7, sleep till 7.

insertexpletive · 25/08/2010 21:33

God, do you get vertigo up there on your high horse sanielle ?

I was told by a family friend when she discovered that my dd was in her own bedroom "You do know that she is more likely to die don't you"

I made an informed choice re both of my dc going into their own room. I breast fed dd until 14 months (was by then pregnant with ds) and ds until 6 months.

The SIDS guidelines are very clear that it is best to breast feed too - are you this demonising of bottle feeding mums?

There are a whole range of things that can be done to cut down on the risk of cot death - sharing a bedroom is just one of them.

creampie · 25/08/2010 21:34

I did this. Baby slept 11-7 from 6 weeks and 7-7 from 10 weeks so I think it helped everyone get a better night's sleep.

I'm not really sure what the reason for an association with SIDS is. I still had a monitor so would have heard exactly the same as if he'd been in the room with us. Remember it's just an association, it's not causative, and is quite likely nothing to do with being in the same room, per se.

MoonUnitAlpha · 25/08/2010 21:35

I guess your friend knows about the cot death risk and has weighed up the risks and benefits for her, her baby and her family. Parents make lots of decisions where they don't make the safest choice, but they make the best choice for them in their particular circumstances.

bubbleymummy · 25/08/2010 21:37

Don't understand those who are saying that they worried more when the baby was in the room with them. How can you worry less when they're in another room? Hmm

onepieceoflollipop · 25/08/2010 21:40

I am probably not going to explain this very well, but my understanding of the baby being in a room with parents is that somehow the baby regulates its breathing with the parents. (nothing to do with whether you can hear your baby on a monitor or whether it is only a few paces over the landing) :)

Summerbird73 · 25/08/2010 21:40

There was another thread like this just recently.

We put DS into his own room at 6 weeks as he was too big for his moses basket (kept hitting his hands against the side which woke him up) and the cot was too big for our room.

He slept through that weekend and has done since. He is so much happier in his cot.

Please dont follow sanielle's advice and send her some info on the subject - with all due respect that is v patronising - as is telling someone their parenting choices are wrong.

There are so many other things we are told to do and not to do to avoid SIDS, but we should all do what our gut instinct tells us

Meglet · 25/08/2010 21:41

Don't send her any info.

I had DS in his own room at 8 weeks and DD in by 6 weeks. I couldn't relax near them at all. I knew all the risks but did as much as possible to minimise them (cool room, DC in gro-bag, doors wide open so I could hear every squeak). Some parenting rules I follow to the letter, others really wouldn't have worked so I had to do it another way.

I couldn't fit a cot in my room anyway Envy so we would have never made it to 6 months whatever happened.

sanielle · 25/08/2010 21:42

"are you this demonising"

Seriously get over yourself. I said I would be scared shitless and she should gently bring it up wiht her friend who may not know it goes against SIDS guideline. I know it's late but if you are bored find something else to whine about Hmm

sloanypony · 25/08/2010 21:42

The association with sids is that the baby hears you breathing and it triggers it or reminds it in certain situations, it sort of stimulates their endocrine system in a kind of primative way. That's paraphrased, there is probably a link but I'd have to google so anyone who wants the more "scientific" wording can do so. There is a book called "Three in a bed" by Deborah Jackson which explains it in very great detail.

I'm pretty sure that actual benefit comes more from co-sleeping than having a moses basket in the same room though it probably depends how close you are.

All that makes me sound like a keen co-sleeper with all the answers. But, my first child went into their own room at 6 days old, and my 2nd at 6 weeks.

Both for different reasons which I dont have to justify; both did very well - the only thing I would say is I would dispute that it is cruel, unless they are screaming away and feeling abandoned and being ignored.

YABU.

FoxyRevenger · 25/08/2010 21:43

onepieceoflollipop, that's how I understand it too, but I have to say I'm not convinced.

How can a sleeping baby tune into someone else's breathing? Plus, if you keep your baby in the same room as you in the evening i.e. in the living room when the tv or other background noise is on, how can they even hear it?

I always just assumed that the risk was lessened because being in the same room meant a parent might just notice a baby in trouble quicker. And even then, monitors do the same job.

insertexpletive · 25/08/2010 21:45

Sanielle
"I also think it is cruel. Are we not even allowed to criticise when people are blatantly wrong?"

My view of your post stands.

formerdiva · 25/08/2010 21:48

You're right onepiece. I hate to be judgeypants about other people's parenting choices (braces herself for a huge moment of judgeypantsness anyway) but I just don't understand why people take the risk.

Of course you get a better night's sleep if you're in a different room, but is it really worth taking the risk? 6 months isn't a long time in the scheme of things Smile

sanielle · 25/08/2010 21:48

Yeah I do, I didn't say she was an evil bitch who should have her children taken away from her, now did I?

Do you not understand the word demonizing?

My view that you are a way a bit over the top still stands.

Giddyup · 25/08/2010 21:49

I don't know where DC2 will sleep yet, they are still in Utero so I am not sure what sort of child they will be so what they will prefer. But if they go in their own room it will still be only a few paces from my bed.

DS slept with us until 5ish months because in old house the lay out meant nursery was down a corridor- each house and family is different.

I will say that DS started sleep through the night he moved to his own quarters, whereas he had been waking for a full feed until then. Like the poster a little way up I am a snorer Blush ad was obviously disturbing him

Original poster
foreverastudent · 25/08/2010 21:49

Gosh, this is obviously quite an emotive and polarised issue- I didnt expect so many replys so quickly!

In retrospect I dont think it's the actual choice that I feel personally feel uncomfortable with but the reason she gave for making it.

If, like posters above, the baby was making so much noise the parents couldnt sleep and were therefore not able to function properly during the day then ok. But to do it so they can shag make love without an audience I think is a bit unfair on the little soul.

OP posts:
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