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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want PIL to ever take dd abroad?

21 replies

waitingforathankyou · 24/08/2010 20:15

My MIL spends a lot of time abroad, villa in France, and constantly asks if dd can go with them. DD is 2. I've said no, we wouldn't be comfortable with that. DH backs me up and funnilly enough, she never brings it up in front of him Hmm.

Last conversation we had regarding this she actually said, I don't want you to come just dd. Hmmm, and why is that? DH and I think it's a control thing. She just can't have control if we're there.

TBH I just don't trust her. Here's a good eg why! she and I went shopping for a bassinet and stand for dd while I was pregnant. She suggested I use the rocking stand we chose for dd's baby bath so I don't have to bend down. I explained why this was a bad idea. But as usual she just ignored me and went ahead and asked the store assistant if it would fit. You should have seen the look the store assistant gave her.

She has also run into the house when we were visiting and grabbed dd, shouting excitedly, Oh x (her neighbour) is out with her Granddaughter, Let's go and show her what a pretty little girl looks like. DH got rather pissed off at that and shouted at her that dd was not a new handbag to be shown off.

This is not to mention the contant referring to her friends son as the UGLY child or the fact that she often refers to herself as dd's mummy.

She obviously loves my dd a lot, but AIBU to put my foot down. I find her very manipulative and would really like to limit her influence on dd by being there when dd visits at least for overnight stays and by never ever agreeing to an abroad stay.

OP posts:
compo · 24/08/2010 20:18

I think a child 's relationship with their grandparents is unique and should be allowed to develop
give her a chance
no one outside of you and dh will love your dd more

hairytriangle · 24/08/2010 20:20

YANBU.

She has no rights, at the end of the day, and she should treat you with a lot more respect.

I certainly wouldn't let any child of mine go abroad without a parent, with anyone, even a grandparent.

NW20 · 24/08/2010 20:21

I think 2 is far too young for anyone other than parents to take a child abroad, but never might be a bit much.

Is there no option for you all to go away together, letting her have the holiday experience and letting you and DH have some time on hol on your own, but still close enough to DD?

Squitten · 24/08/2010 20:25

Regardless of your issues with your ILs, my DS is about to turn 2 and I wouldn't like the idea of sending him away with other people...

MoralDefective · 24/08/2010 20:27

Weird,weird,weird....take care..she is NOT your dd's Mummy

fedupofnamechanging · 24/08/2010 20:31

Did I understand correctly that your MIL refers to herself as your DDs mother? Hope I've read that incorrectly.

Regardless, I would not allow my child to go abroad without me. 2 yrs old is far too young, at that age she is still a baby and needs mum and dad.

Your baby, so up to you to make the choices you are happy with. You haven't denied MIL access, but I disagree with the idea that GPs have a right to time alone with grandchildren, certainly at this young age.

jellybeans · 24/08/2010 20:34

YANBU I was in the same position years ago but DD was only 12 months. I refused politely and MIL said well then we were denying DD a holiday. Er.. no, she was by not taking us all. And in any case we took DD away a few months later.

I wouldn't let anyone take my kids abroad until much older, and only then if we were on very good terms.

AnneTwacky · 24/08/2010 20:36

YANBU

I would say no, because DD is your child and if you don't want her to go abroad or ever stay the night with MIL, then she doesn't.

Play it with a straight bat so she's under no misapprehension but don't cut her out altogether.

Maybe you could all have a day out as a family, somewhere fun.

Original poster
waitingforathankyou · 24/08/2010 20:37

Nope you read it right. Not all the time, but enough times to not just be a slip of the tongue.

Tis Bloody irritating. I used to bite, but now I just totally ignore her.

OP posts:
Plumm · 24/08/2010 20:40

I wouldn't let my DD go abroad with her grandparents, regardless of age and how they are with her.

YANBU.

Original poster
waitingforathankyou · 24/08/2010 20:46

Anne They see her at least once a month usually for a couple of days at a stretch. But we are always in tow, that's the problem.

FIL suggested we all spend the 1st weekend of every month together in our or their house. We declined to commit to anything so structured, but have ended up doing it anyway.

Sometimes I wish they lived closer as it wouldn't be such an issue. Then I ask myself if I'm crazy Smile.

OP posts:
llareggub · 24/08/2010 20:46

Well, at her age I probably wouldn't but as your DD gets older perhaps you might consider it? I used to spend a week or so at a time with my grandparents and had a ball.

I love seeing the relationship develop between my children and their grandparents. Part of being a parent is helping them develop relationships with others, I think.

Eglu · 24/08/2010 20:54

Clearly your MIL has control issues. I think it would be lovely for your DD to be able to go on holiday with her GPs, but at an age where whe can say, no you are not my Mummy Grandma.

I would think not until 8 or 9 maybe.

MarineIguana · 24/08/2010 21:05

YANBU, she sounds awful and like others I wouldn't let my DC go away with anyone else anyway, or not until much older. You are her mum, you do get to be there and to say what is and isn't OK (and it's great that your DH supports you). Don't give this controlling old bat reasons, or you'll have to enter into an argument with her - just carrying on as you are saying no you're not comfortable with it. She wants control, tough - DD is not hers and she doesn't have control.

PotPourri · 24/08/2010 21:10

your baby your choice - totaly irrelevant of why

pranma · 24/08/2010 21:10

I am a loving grandma and I wouldn't want to take dgc away without their parents at that age.I think your M-i-L is odd and yanbu at all.

Firawla · 24/08/2010 21:16

yadnbu your mil sounds a little crazy
if she can not show respect to you and your role as the child's mother then how can she be trusted with your child, if she is always keen to undermine and control?
trust has to be earned sometimes, and doesn't seem as though she realises that. what does she expect if she behaves in this kind of way?
2 is far too young to go away without parents/mother anyway, even if mil was very normal and very close to your dd
my pils also said they wanted to take my ds1 abroad by himself, i said no! as someone else mentioned if the child is of an age to speak up for themselves, stick up for themselves a bit and correct the grandparents saying wrong things such as calling themselves mummy then that is one thing, but a young child can not do these things so they need the parents to do it for them

prozacfairy · 24/08/2010 21:19

Is she totally unwilling to compromise? Could you all go away and let PIL take dd out for one day or however many without you?

I wouldn't allow anyone especially someone who is so adamant you are not invited, to take my dd away on holiday, even in this country at such a young age. What is the need? Confused

JaynieB · 24/08/2010 21:20

My Mum looks after DD 2 days a week and loves her to bits, I have a great relationship with her too but even at 3+ DD has not spent a night alone with Granny. I will let her sleep over, but not yet.
My step kids did not stay over with their paternal GP's until they were school age either. No probs with the relationships, it just didn't feel right to do it sooner.
I don't think YABU at all. Your MIL sounds odd.

prozacfairy · 24/08/2010 21:22

And yours isn't only mil who refers to herself as "mummy" Hmm my dd's granny did it alot- until dd started correcting her Grin very embarrassing getting a telling off from a 2 year old in M and S with people earwigging and having a giggle....

AnneTwacky · 24/08/2010 21:31

I can see why a couple of days a month would be a bit much.

I wouldn't back down, though, over leaving DD with her GPs though as MIL seems to have trouble realising where the appropriate boundaries are. However she obviously does dote on her.

The reason behind my thinking was if you were out somewhere neutral, maybe your MIL would seem less intense.

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