to presurerise/cajole DH into committing to a second baby.

[waitingforathankyou]

I'll try and keep this as short as possible.

I recentlt thought I was pregnant, despite being on the pill.Found out today, I'm definately not.

DH isn't ready for a second. He's gone from "no, not at all" to "Ok, but not now".

Thing is he wasn't ready for dd but loves her to bit and is really glad I pushed him into agreeing to try for her.

I desperately want a second, so asked him how he feels now we're sure we're not pregnant. Is he just a bit upset?

To which he replied yes.

So then I suggest we wait a couple of monthes and actually try. My reasoning is that by the time the 2nd is ready, dd will be out of nursery so we won't have to pay for two, which is usually his argument.

After quite a bit of talking on my part, he agreed.

Now obviously I want him to want a 2nd as much as me, but if I wait for that, it'll never happen.

Am I being unreasonable to push. [feeling a bit guilty here]. I also wonder how many men actually feel this way about having kids. Is his lacklustre response normal for most men. Do you even discuss such things with your DHs? Perhaps I'm just overtalking it with him?

Lord, my spelling is absolutely awful. SORRY!

I think he's a grown man, and if he's agreed to it then go for it.

My DP is the same, and when the time comes for a second, I know he'll need a little gentle persuasion! I would never trap him by getting pg against his wishes, but if he has said yes then its fine.

don't push and pressurise ! talk and communicate, listen to him, take his concerns on board and think about the child/ren who will be at the heart of this

how old are you both? how old is your DD?

I hear about this a fair bit. I have been fortunate with my DH, he was ready for children a couple of years before me (but is 2 years older!) and was ready for number 2 a few months before I agreed to try. I thought he would hassle me for a 3rd but having had some bad health problems during pregnancy he's said he's fine with our 2 so its all worked out fine for us.

BUT

Theres one couple in about 5 (not an official stat, just my interpretation!) where one or other of the couple are holding back on either one child or a 2nd...sometimes its the bloke saying no to a 3rd. And its hard to overcome really.

I presume you discussed it before committing to each other? Has he moved the goal post or were you speculating to start with?

I'm 33, he's 30 in Dec. DD will be 2 on Friday.

We discussed kids, but never how many or when. We've been together since he was 18 and I was 21, neither of us mature enough to think about this sort of thing.

This is a sweeping generalisation and of course there will be exceptions - but I do think it's common for women to be keener on having children than men. They see the practical downsides (and there are quite a lot!) more clearly as they don't have the hormonal haze/biological clock that we have. "Yes but not yet" seems to be quite a common viewpoint (or maybe that's just my DH ). And especially if he's younger than you.

So I wouldn't necessarily expect him to want a 2nd as much as you do. And I don't think you're unreasonable to push a little bit - after all he's unlikely to initiate the idea himself if you say nothing.

That said, you don't want to push too much, as you do want to be sure that he truly wants a second and isn't just agreeing to keep you quiet!

so you do really want to consider it sooner rather than later as fertility does start to decline mid thirties

have a chat, you say he's agreed after some cajoling, but have a pressure free talk and confirm that he is happy to committ to properly trying for another child

I think the fact that he's younger than you is a big factor here. For him it probably feels like there is forever for you to have more babies, but at 33 I expect your clock is starting to tick a little louder!

To me it sounds like he's in agreement with you though to try in a couple of months - so go for it.
I wouldn't keep hassling him for more enthusiasm though, some men just don't get excited until there is a real live baby in front of them :)

Does he have a good reason for wanting to stick to 1 child - Is there an increased chance of disorder, e.g. cystic fibrosis

Is your first dc healthy?

Is your partner at risk of losing his job in the near future? (Due to the recession/treasury spending review in october/other?)

He agreed. That's the thing.

My DH was a bit lacklustre, as you put it, about having the second one. I agree with what minipie has said

breathtakingben funny you should say about Cystic Fibrosis, dp and i have 2 gorgeous sons one who has CF, we would like one more child but have been agonising over wether to go for it and wether to attempt the ivf/embryo selection method or go natural and hope for the best.

I don't think yabu, if you were to "trick" him in to a pregnancy I would think YABVVVVVU. But now you are are putting your view point across. And at 30, fertility is declining so it make sense to do it now.. He is BU to wait much longer if he really wants another baby and it sounds like he does, also I believe it has been proven that it is less healthy to leave too long between babies, and that 2 years is sort of perfect.

Had another chat and no he wasn't agreeing as I thought. He feels we should wait 3/4 months and then see how we feel.

While I understand where he is coming from, his concerns are valid, I do feel that this is the conversation we always have and will keep on having. And no I'm not getting any younger .

His concerns include, his broken leg and money. My 1st pregnancy was quite difficult and he thinks he needs to be 100% to take the pressure off me with dd.

All sounds very reasonable but, I would feel a lot better if I knew for sure that these were not just arguments because he isn't ready or doesn't want a second.

Wish I could read his mind .

Tell him fertility is not as agreeable as all that. He may want you to wait 3/4 months.. but if you were to conceive immediately you would actually be lucky, it is statistically unlikely.

This info is from pregnancy info.net
"The time it takes to get pregnant generally increases with age. For example, a woman aged between 30 and 35 has around a 15% chance of getting pregnant per cycle. It's not uncommon for couple in their 30s to try for nine cycles or more before they conceive."

YABU. I'm getting deja vu with this but I'll say it again. It's a very bad idea to hassle in this way. Lots of anecdotes on here about marriages that have failed due to either too much hassle on this topic, or people coming off contraception without telling their partner.

"Do you even discuss such things with your DHs? "

Anyone who does not do this is fucking mental. And if you got married without first fully discussing whether kids, or how many, would be agreeable to both parties, then you're fucking fully 'tarded.

Apologies to anyone who takes offence to "mental" and "tarded".

def didn't come off without telling him. I would never do that which is clear from the fact that I've put this post on.

Perhaps I am hassling him a bit, but if we don't talk about it how will my feelings ever be considered.

Sanielle We both believed this when I had dd (I was 30), but we got pregnant the month we started trying. So I am doomed to lose that argument.

waitingforathankyou Thats pretty good but secondary infertility does happen (I am not trying to be miserable, honest! :) ) Just think you shouldn't let this lie. If he is pretty happy with one kid don't think he will be gutted to have 2, and even if you do fall straight away, you are the one who will be pregnant and you know if you can handle it with his leg being out of commision.

Good luck either way :)

Your DH sounds wiling to me and voicing quite reasonable opiniosn and concerns.

From my point of view as a bloke, while I wanted children it was to some extent a sort of 'theoretical' concept until DS1 was in my arms. Men just do not have the visceral feeling of wanting, needing, wishing for a child. DW suggested it and it seemed right so I said OK. We started TTC at 30 and it took 5 years but having had 2 DSs I can definitely say a 2 year gap between them is a bare minimum. You are not over the hill so dont panic.

The money issue is a real and very legitmate concern in the current economic environment and I suspect weighs heavily on the minds of many men because they 'feel' they will be breadwinner. Its a big responsibilty to carry alone. Can you reassure him you will go back to work after a certain amount of time if money is tight to take pressure of him?

BeenBeta Really glad to have a man's point of view. Very helpful.
Yes I'd be willing to go back to work, I know I'd have to and I think DH knows this.

I have just thought that we're actually pretty bad at communicating. I should be having this conversation with DH, shouldn't I? Still it helps me put my thoughts in perspective so that I am less emotional when I do speak to him.

Please do bear in mind, though, that his feelings matter too. He has every right to feel the way he does - you don't get to 'win' over his objections just because you're the one with the womb. And he's asking to wait 4 months not 4 years.

Solid I have accepted his views and backed down. I would still like to talk to him as I think we could understand each other better if we did.

And I guess my concern isn't waiting 4 months but that he will still not be ready then, given that he has said lets see how we feel then.

I know I can't make him commit to how he'll feel in 4 months, but it's not an easy pill to swallow when I am so keen myself. Maybe I just need some reassurance that it will happen soon.