to be upset about this?

[mumdrivenmad]

a few years ago, my BIL who I have never got on with, thought it would be hilarious for him and his friend to ask me if they could come to our house, whilst my DH was at work, to have a threesome. I told my DH about this straight away, but he said nothing. A few weeks ago, my FIL died and nothing has yet been sorted out about FIL's dog. BIL's friend has been telling people that the dog is being neglected and starved. DH has gone mad at this bloke for this, but can't understand why I am upset about this. My pov is that he said nothing about what was said to me, but a suggestion that the dog was being mistreated made him say something to this man.

Hmm.

YANBU to be upset that your BIL and his friend were disrespectful to you, and that your DH did not have a word with them about it, but you really have to let it go. It has been several years now.

Unless of course, your DH often behaves like this, and does not support you.

Your BIL is a wanker, but of course you know this already. Don't let him and his wanker buddy upset you, or cause trouble between you and your DH.

a long time ago, when we were first married, my dh's eldest bil made some suggestive remarks to me. at first i didnt believe i was hearing them correctly, but on repetition, i understood. i told dh about this, and he said and did nothing. going so far as to say i must have misunderstood.

fastforward more than a decade, and i understand why he ignored it. there was nothing, absolutely nothing he could have done about it, that wouldnt have caused a massive massive scene in his family. i would have been blamed. he would have been blamed for bringing me into the faimly, and it would all have gooten excessivly melodramatic. He chose to trust me and my judgement and let me handle situation, which i did by making sure iwas never ever alone with him again.

so, yes, i understand why your dh didnt say anyting to defend you, but is defending the dog. its because he CAN defend the dog.

I can understand why you feel hurt. However, grief hits people in strange ways sometimes - perhaps your DH is lashing out at this unpleasant man because of his pain and sadness. Perhaps indeed the man's latest comments have added to DH's anger with him over the earlier incident and it's only just all coming out now.

I just hope that you don't have to deal with this wretched man, can ignore his unkind comments and just concentrate on your family at this sad time.

WRT the dog, I work with rescue so if I can help by finding a place or home for him if you haven't dot an alternative please do say and I'll do my best. Please put a shout out on the Pets section with my name in the title if so.

I hope things get better for you very soon.

Don't mean to be harsh, but this seems an odd thing for you to be picking a fight about when your DH is grieving for his father.

What abbierhodes said.

YABU

Completely agree abbierhodes.

YABU

I can understand why you are upset about this. What your bil and his mate suggested was vile vile vile. It was not 'dealt with' at the time. This may have been because your dh preferred to forget about/ignore it out of cringing embarassment. I am told by my dh that this is a man way of dealing with things. It has clearly festered with you, as it would with me, out of the vileness.

And now, suddenly, you have an instance (not of your timing) of a connection between your dh and the same (vile)experience that made that appalling memory for you. So you make a connection, which is not actual, but is the only rational parallel to previous vileness.

Now is not the time to get upset/angry. Your dh is needing your support. I hope that he appreciates your support and that when you talk about the events around his father's death, you are able to talk about your own need to talk about events in the past that have bothered you.

You can't let this go undiscussed forever, but the next few weeks are not the right time.

If it helps, I can see your logic.

I guess that puts me in my place then. I am grieving too, missing my FIL desperately. Did not mention earlier that I have seen my DH have a fight with his brother when BIL threatened his father. I am NOT however saying he should have fought with his brother over what happened. So my place is behind the dog guess I'll be sleeping on the sofa when I get home

I guess that puts me in my place then. I am grieving too, missing my FIL desperately. Did not mention earlier that I have seen my DH have a fight with his brother when BIL threatened his father. I am NOT however saying he should have fought with his brother over what happened. So my place is behind the dog guess I'll be sleeping on the sofa when I get home

I guess that puts me in my place then. I am grieving too, missing my FIL desperately. Did not mention earlier that I have seen my DH have a fight with his brother when BIL threatened his father. I am NOT however saying he should have fought with his brother over what happened. So my place is behind the dog guess I'll be sleeping on the sofa when I get home

He probably never said anything as he didn't feel threatened by them, he knew that he could trust you and so it was just a stupid thing for them to ask. The fact that you told them to fuck off was all he needed.

I know that for both me and DP if someone came on to the other one we wouldn't bother confronting them. As we know that whoever was being approached would be having none of it.

I imagine if you'd been in any danger of them forcing anything your DH would have said something.

mumdrivenmad do not over react. Almost everyone here has said YANBU to feel a little hurt etc. But there are explanations for your husbands behaviour.

At present just try to supress the hurt you feel, and help your DH grieve. However in a few months when things are recovering, then do talk to your DH about how it made you feel and ask him to explain his different reactions to the two incidents.

I'm so sorry for your loss, but overreacting to this and giving your DH another drama to cope with when he's just lost his father, isn't going to help anyone.

The threesome request sounds like the kind of crass 'joke' made by a fuckwit who sort of fancies you but sort of resents that you wouldn't touch them with a bargepole, even if you were available - the kind of slightly misogynistic, very immature 'banter' that is fairly easily batted away with a withering comment. Maybe your DH assumed you could deal with these tossers just fine on your own, and that it didn't require starting a family row, because you'd already put them in their place?

As mummytime said; this is something to discuss in a few months when the pain of your and DH's loss is not quite so raw.

My condolences for your loss.

It's understandable that you are upset, and feel that your feelings matter less than the dog's. However, at the time your BIL made his horrible comments, your DH probably took the rational view that you'd responded in a way that dealt with the problem. Now, however, your DH is grieving, probably feeling very emotional , and I bet he still harbours anger towards his brother and the friend for what they said to you. The dog is probably a trigger that has pushed your husband to express his anger ; I suspect it's about his grief , and pre-existing dislike over what was said to you, as much as it's about the dog.

Mumdrivenmad
Don't be upset by this. The posters on MN have given their opinion (in a somewhat forthright manner).

Of course you are grieving too and it sounds like your BIL is even more of a wanker than he first appeared.

You are being unreasonable but it is understandable that you have been hurt by this. I guess that nerves are a bit frayed at present and in a couple of months you and your dh will be able to talk about it rationally.

I am sorry for your loss.

Why was it up to your GH to say anything abhout the threesome suggestion? I presume you dealt with it at the time. What did you want him to do?