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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sodding 'A' levels

27 replies

willsywoo · 22/08/2010 17:21

Son flunked his 'A' levels...lazy sod did hardly any work and it really serves him right!...luckily he's got onto an apprenticeship to be a marine electrician...my point is,aibu to be so cross with him...am trying to be reasonable as is his dad,tried hard not to nag over last two years but finding a balance is bloody difficult...we also supported him through a B.tec for two years as he did'nt want to do 'A'levels when he left school,he is now 20,...also annoyed as he has the ability...(God,i sound like my Mum)...suppose i'm not Angry just bloody narked!

OP posts:
Squitten · 22/08/2010 17:24

YANBU to be annoyed, especially since you supported him through some of it.

But, he's 20 - time to let him make his own mistakes I think. Hopefully the apprenticeship will be more suited to his interests/skills

Goblinchild · 22/08/2010 17:24

YANBU, what will happen if he flunks his apprenticeship and gets booted off?
Will you be supporting him forever?
It's not nagging to say 'You are an adult, time to grow up and act responsibly'

atswimtwolengths · 22/08/2010 17:25

I'd let it go, now. He's been lucky getting an apprenticeship, so just let him get on with it.

ccpccp · 22/08/2010 17:54

You should slap the crap out of him, victorian style!

He knowing binned his a levels even though you both nagged and it was clear how things were going to turn out. Sorry - but he sounds spoilt to the core.

Next hes going to knowingly bin his marine engineering apprenticeship.

Lay down the rules now. 'You mess this one up, you're out'.

Original poster
willsywoo · 22/08/2010 17:55

Well we have kind of let it go,but he has been giving us a wide berth since he got his results...obviously knows we're not exactly pleased,but yes,an adult now,time to grow up.....now we shall wait happily for ds2's gcse's on Tuesday (hmm)(smile)

OP posts:
sarah293 · 22/08/2010 17:56

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Original poster
willsywoo · 22/08/2010 17:57

Oooops Hmm Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
willsywoo · 22/08/2010 17:59

To be fair he does give me £20 a week from part time bar work....really keeps the wolf from the doorBlush

OP posts:
sarah293 · 22/08/2010 18:02

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Original poster
willsywoo · 22/08/2010 18:07

Very cheap compared to the real world....but he was(laughs out loud)..balancing work and 'A' levels,you're quite right,all of you,thanks...it's now gone up to 50 squid a week.

OP posts:
pippop1 · 22/08/2010 18:09

I think you need, and he is expecting, to have a serious talk about him being very lucky to have the chance at the marine thing. Maybe take him out to dinner so that it all doesn't become too heated? (I know this sounds like a reward but it will surprise him and confuse him and you will feel in control)

Will he have studying to do for this too? He needs to really understand that he now needs to knuckle down. Third time lucky and all that.

tribpot · 22/08/2010 18:19

Totally agree with pippop1. He's had a second chance, he's blown it. That's not acceptable behaviour from an adult, you would be quite entitled to ask him to move out and do the marine thing on his own dime.

Original poster
willsywoo · 22/08/2010 18:26

Maybe this sounds really wet but where on earth can 20 year olds live these days...rents here are astronomical,never mind council tax etc etc....got to go and cook his dinner now,back later......only joking!...but am off to the pub,quiz nightSmile

OP posts:
tribpot · 22/08/2010 18:48

He's 20! What do you imagine 20 year olds who don't have parents able or willing to support them do? Pur your Norman Tebbit hat on and tell him to get on his bike and find a job :)

I'm not saying you actually would put him out of the house, but he needs to understand that you are entitled to do so if he doesn't buck his ideas up. Given he's obviously not a self-motivated person (I'm sure he's not a bad person either, I should add) he needs a metaphorical kick up the backside, IMHO. What will you do if he tanks the apprenticeship as well?

From the way he's been avoiding you, it sounds as if he's half-expecting (perhaps even hoping for) a bit of a kick. I genuinely don't think you'll be doing him any favours if you just let this one slide.

mumbar · 22/08/2010 19:05

agree with others op about a chat.

I would say something along the lines of we will support you while your trying to do well and get some training/ qualifications behind you but we will not support you if you don't as a quick trip to the real world will make you realise that qualifications and a job matter Grin

Like the idea of cornering him in a restaurant taking him out to dinner Wink

Goblinchild · 22/08/2010 19:46

As he's 20, did you pay his fees as well as supporting him with board and lodgings?

katiestar · 22/08/2010 20:08

There isn't any point being cross with him now is there?Horse,bolted door -that kind of thing

LynetteScavo · 22/08/2010 20:13

You could be like my mum, and act like you're not bothered, then rip hell out of him for it 20 years later.

sarah293 · 22/08/2010 21:05

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morganbuffay · 22/08/2010 21:40

On the bright side, it's very possible he'll be more motivated by a practical course with more definite job prospects than by A-Levels. I have seen more thana one very bright young person quit or underperform at A-Levels before going onto a vocational route and making a go of it.

lazarusb · 23/08/2010 09:33

Had this with my ds1. In the end they need to learn that the effort they put in (or not) affects THEIR lives but not not yours. Ds is now working and renting a flat but still griping about the £40 a week rent we charged him when he walked out of school to work in a bar!

Mahraih · 23/08/2010 12:22

He's 20?! He's an adult.

As for how he'll cope - I'm 22, graduated on my 21st birthday and have been living in a completely different city to my family home, suppotting myself, renting, bills, travel bla bla, by myself. My mother has had to step in twice (once my fault, bad budgeting, once when I got ripped off for a deposit) and I have paid her back.

He needs to understand that you don't OWE him a place in your house and that he isn't entitled to it. You can totally ask him to leave and tbh it might be a kindness. My DP still lives in a 'family home' i.e. the parents don't live there permanently and he doesn't have to pay rent. He'd be a lot more practical, I think, if he'd had to move out.

If you treat him like an adult, he'll act like it.

Goblinchild · 23/08/2010 12:43

I always had a rule of thumb about partners as an adult.
Never take them from the nest, wait until they'd survived the world for a year or two.
makes for so much less stress and arguing. Grin

Mahraih · 23/08/2010 13:31

goblinchild - was that in reply to my thread?

If only. DC on the way, am ripping him from the nest by his wings. [evil emoticon of some sort]

madamearcati · 23/08/2010 19:35

'Most 20 yo live out in the real world of rent and bills'

Do they? Nowadays?I'm sure i read the average age for leaving home was much higher than that in todays climate of astronomical housing costs.

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