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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To worry about my 13 yo niece

23 replies

Islandlady · 22/08/2010 16:49

I have had my niece staying with me for the last 2 weeks and took her back to the mainland today.

When we met up with her mum in portsmouth my niece seemed ok and was happily telling her mum about her stay and seemed excited about going back to London and seeing her friends but at 8am this morning it was a different story,then I had an hysterical sobbing girl begging me to let her come and live with me forever.

Now 75% of me is putting this down to the fact that she had a good time doing things like sailing and horse riding that she doesnt do at home and the novelty of living on an Island and even when she made remarks like going past the local school and saying ' thats where I could go if I lived with you' I just put it down to dreaming and wishful thinking.
But the rest of me is a tad concerned her Mum has had a series of dating disasters ( the last one left her with a black eye) and is drinking more then she should - not the
voddy stashed round the house type drinking ( according to my other sister) but the going out, getting smashed and staying out to 4am binge drinking and clubbing type.

I have just of the phone to my other sister and explained everything and she will keep an eye on the situation

AIBU to worry

OP posts:

piscesmoon · 22/08/2010 16:56

YANBU-try and keep a close eye on her.

sorrento56 · 22/08/2010 16:59

Of course yanbu, how could you think you would be?

Your niece sounds like she is crying out for help.

sanielle · 22/08/2010 17:08

That's so sad. Could she come stay with you? Would you be able accomadate her. Sounds like a great lifestyle you could offer her compared to drunken nights out.

Ishouldprobablywax · 22/08/2010 17:15

The poor little thing :( maybe you could suggest to her mum she could stay with you for a couple of months while she gets herself together?
Her mum sounds terribly selfish sorry, if she were my sister I'd tell her to pull herself together or wake up to whatever it is that's going so wrong.
Can she come to you for long weekends etc?
She's very lucky to have you looking out for her.

SkiHorseWonAWean · 22/08/2010 17:20

Help her, if nothing else it's a really crappy example to be setting to an emotionally vulnerable 13 year old - would you want to see her repeat the mistakes of your sister? :(

atswimtwolengths · 22/08/2010 17:23

Is she an only child and do you have children yourself? It may well be that she's seen a family lifestyle that she really envies. I feel so sorry for her, living with a mum like that. I know her mum's your sister, but for god's sake, she needs to create a stable home for her daughter.

BitOfFun · 22/08/2010 17:28

I'm sorry, but there is a world of difference between the odd night out which you've arranged childcare for, and privately dating men who turn out to be Not The One, and constantly being out, then traipsing a succession of abusive 'uncles' through the house on a live-in basis.

If it's the former, then I can't join in with the cries to practically adopt your niece.

scurryfunge · 22/08/2010 17:32

She has probably had a great time and like most of us, doesn't want the holiday to come to an end. If you have firm evidence of abuse of neglect within he home, then you need to act, otherwise there is little you can do but support your sister.

Original poster

Islandlady · 22/08/2010 17:40

She has an older btother who is 15 and a twenty yo half sister, but she has just moved out as she cant stand being round her mum at the mo, my other sister lives almost next door a has a son the same age so she sees my niece a lot more than me she is also parent govenor at the school so can keep an eye on her.

I only have boys and they are older so I dont know much about teenage girls

I really dont know what to so I hoped people would tell me its only teenage drama but reading the replies and am really worried

OP posts:

sanielle · 22/08/2010 17:50

BitOfFun I think the dating disaters as mentioned before are probably the issue. If mum brings home sleaze bags who abuse her maybe there is a reason the teenage girl doens't want to go home.

sanielle · 22/08/2010 17:54

I went and stayed with my nan when I was about 17, seaside quite had the most amazing time.. Was so sick of the drama, abuse, arguing around me. Nan is an artist and had a paint room (not as good as horses to a teenager... but pretty good :) and I was just relaxed for the first time in ages. Really helped me with my depression at the time. Please consider giving your neice a chance if you can do it with out ruiing your family. Maybe bring it up with your sister not as a refelction on her. Just say you've really enjoyed having her and might be fun... mum might be happy to have some space for "dating"

sallyseton · 22/08/2010 17:56

Just see how it goes, it's good that your other sister is there to keep an eye on her. Can she go there for cooling-off periods if things get bad for a day or two?

Can you do anything to help her mum? Does she have mental health problems? It sounds like she's really struggling and could do with the support of her family at the mo.

Sailing in and demanding her daughter is not the way to go about things. Maybe offer to have her in the school holidays, become like a substitute dad-figure in her life if she doesn't see her dad.

DetectivePotato · 22/08/2010 18:27

I would take your niece seriously.

She is obviously very unhappy. If this is how her mother behaves I would be having stern words about her parenting and seeing if there was a way that niece could spend more time with you.

The mention of the different men rang alarm bells for me too tbh. I know that some men do prey on single mothers just to get to their children. Hopefully this isn't the case at all but as someone who had a pretty bad experience at the hands of my step mums BF, I would be concerned.

snoozathon · 22/08/2010 18:37

IMO your niece had a dream holiday and just doesn't want to go home. It's not uncommon at that age to fantasise about living in a different place and it sounds like you gave her a magical experience.

Her mum probably isn't perfect, but I'm sure that's not why she was upset at the holiday ending - she was most likely being melodramatic.

Please don't overreact or say anything to her mum to criticise her parenting - I'm sure she appreciated the break and you could offer again, but all this typically extreme calls to adopt her, because ZOMG her mum Is dating, are misguided IMO.

sorrento56 · 22/08/2010 18:40

I think there is more to this than just someone who doesn't want to go home. Why doesn't she? What is so bad there that makes her want to stay with you? Are things really that great with you that they can trump being with her mother? Kids deserve to be listened too when they have been brave enough to express how they feel.

DetectivePotato · 22/08/2010 18:41

You can't say that snooz you don't know this girl. If her mum is out til all hours boozing and clubbing and she may have witnesses DV, she could be desperate to leave that situation.

When I was that age and I enjoyed being at my aunts, I wouldn't have begged to stay ther just because I had fun doing the activities.

A child wanting to leave their mother sounds serious to me.

snoozathon · 22/08/2010 18:47

Maybe... I guess you have to go with your instincts as you know the child and your sister best. It sounds like you did the best thing by calling your other sister to check things are ok. Are you all close? Obviously you're further away physically, but if your other sis is able to keep an eye on things and help out, your mind can be hopefully put at rest.

darcymum · 22/08/2010 18:54

Have you actually asked her why she wants to come and live with you and what is the problem back home?

Original poster

Islandlady · 22/08/2010 18:54

I have just had a very long talk with my other niece ( the one who has left home)

I have explained how upset her sister was when she left me and tried to get a clearer picture of what is going on - the 'good news'is that my sisters does not bring men home (including the one who gave her the black eye) thank God for that.

The bad news is that my sister is going oiut nearly everynight which is why the other niece left home - got fed up with looking after her siblings

We are all meeting up next BH weekend
and will try and get something sorted.

OP posts:

Original poster

Islandlady · 22/08/2010 18:57

Sorry about spelling

OP posts:

onimolap · 22/08/2010 18:58

As you're not sure what caused the change of mood, then the best thing you can do is keep an eye on things as best you can.

Hope it all proves to be a storm in a teacup, but on the chance it's not then she is very lucky to have two such watchful aunts.

Animation · 23/08/2010 07:43

Hysterical sobbing is NOT normal - there's got to be a reason for it. The poor kid sounds traumatised to me - by what's going on at home.

sanielle · 23/08/2010 09:42

This is really sad, hope you can find some way to help. A 13 year old girl shoudl not be home by herself every night while mom gets pissed. ANd if she isn't coming home with these blokes is she stayign over night at theirs? What about her dad is he of any use at all?

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