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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have a mental break down at the state of the house.

28 replies

BextheBambi · 22/08/2010 14:11

I'm 31 weeks PG, and am constantly in and out of hospital due to complications. The last time I was in hospital I stayed there for a week, DP was very good and visited me everyday on top of doing his full time job, therefore was not at home alot.

I live with my DP and two of our friends, not an ideal situation I know but we don't qualify for any benefits and so this helps with our rent.

At said time, Friend1 was also in hospital so it was really just friend2 that was in the house. When i came back the house looked like a bomb had hit it. There were dirty plates gathering mould in the sink (we have a dishwasher), mouldy milk sitting on the side, something sticky covering almost the entire kitchen floor, beer cans all over the living room (DP doesn't drink). Now i know that DP had his dinner with me in the hospital and stayed until the midwives asked him to leave which was usually about 9.30pm.

Dp was more disgusted than I was at the state of the house having not actually seen the extent of the mess.

I took it upon myself to clean the entire house and by clean i mean practically disinfect the whole house because it was making me feel sick just being there. This promptly put me back in hospital.

2nd time i come home, after just 3 days, (friend1 still in hospital, DP doing his usual 'i will not leave your side unless i really have to') the house is in chaos AGAIN.

I have now dropped several hints to friend2 asking such as "I did'nt know plates belong floor", "I could have sworn we had a dishwasher..."

I've got to the point where i have now refused to do any work around the house simply saying "well i hope you dont think that my life revolves around being your skivvy, because once the babies here I'm not going to have much time to do anything"

Any advice, after that rant, on how to get him to clean up after himself or should we politley ask him to move out as it was part of his contract to keep the place clean and tidy?

OP posts:

invisibleink · 22/08/2010 14:15

I would get him to move out pronto - you cannot bring a baby home to that environment -what happens when the learn to grab stuff at 3- months and put it in their mouths?? ewwwwwwwwwww.

snoozathon · 22/08/2010 14:16

That sounds horrible :(

I think you know in your heart the situation isn't going to resolve itself, and it's only going to get worse when LO comes along.

Please talk to your DP about finding somewhere the 2 of you can afford on your own?

As a couple I can see how it's fine to share the bills with friends, but there is no way in hell you can bring up a baby in this environment, if you're having a breakdown now just imagine what it'll be like - you'll be mummy to the whole house!

Please look into moving asap.

katkouta · 22/08/2010 14:16

I wouldn't have made sarcastic remarks, Id have told him outright to clean up after himself.

The last thing you need is to be scrubbing someone else's mess!
If he doesn't tell him to move out. YADNBU.

KurriKurri · 22/08/2010 14:17

I think I'd be asking him to move out, it's making you really stressed, which is the last thing you need if you are having a difficult pregnancy. Also you don't want his mess all over the place when you have your newborn to look after.

franke · 22/08/2010 14:20

No point in dropping hints, you need to tell him directly what needs to be done. Give him a couple of weeks to improve and then tell him to move out if things aren't better. One way or the other, this needs to be resolved before baby arrives.

ljgibbs · 22/08/2010 14:20

Tell him if he doesn't start cleaning up after himself, you are going to put the babies shitty nappies in his room
Either that or ask him to move out.

franke · 22/08/2010 14:21

Meant to say, sorry you're going through this

clam · 22/08/2010 14:21

You (or better still DH) really MUST talk to him and explain that this is unacceptable and that he will not risk your health by allowing a situation to arise again whereby you feel moved to do extensive cleaning like that.
If it happens again, he will be asked to leave. It doesn't have to be unpleasant, just a statement of your dismay. It's probably just that this guy's dirt threshold is far far below yours and he doesn't realise. But he won't, either, unless someone tells him.

Good luck.

Original poster

BextheBambi · 22/08/2010 14:23

We have thought about moving several times before, but we simply can't afford it. Friend1 has now suggested, by the way friend1 is alot more mature than friend2 and has even bought stair gates for us, that we tell friend2 to move out and he will take up the majority of the rent whilst we pay a little less than him.

I said this was a very nice offer but i would feel ridiculously bad that he was stuck with the majority of the rent.

I literally can't make it more obvious to friend2 that if he doesnt help out he will be going but he still doesnt get it. Simply sits there either wacthing me in pain clean up after him or comments that the house is dirty and goes out.

AIBU to refuse to do anything?

OP posts:

Squitten · 22/08/2010 14:24

Why are you making hints?? TELL him that he either has to clean up the house or he's out. Simple as that. Imagine what it'll be like when the baby arrives!

ratspeaker · 22/08/2010 14:29

Tell your friend to his face he either has to clean up or he will have to move out.
He seems to be oblivious to your Hints
So tell him what is expected

StuckInTheMiddleWithYou · 22/08/2010 14:29

DO NOT clean up after him.

You are going through a difficult pregancy. If anything, the rest of the household should be doing your share of the chores.

Ask your DP to pick up the mess, dirty plates, rotten milk etc and dump it in Friend2's bed.

Seriously, just do it.

LucyLouLou · 22/08/2010 14:30

In your current state, in and out of hospital, YANBU to do nothing.

Just to be clear, why is it that you are in that housing situation? Is there no way you can get a 1 bed place? Little babies don't need their own room at first.

TheBreastmilksOnMe · 22/08/2010 14:32

I don't know how you've been so calm about it TBH I would have hit the roof, espcially being pregnant as I don't have much tolerence for piss-takers when I am and this is definately what your lodger is.

A few weeks ago, when I was around 7 weeks pregnant, there was a tone bag of garden rubble that needed to be removed from our back garden after we'd had it lawned and patioed. After phoning around we got a couple of handy men to come and take it away so I left DP downstairs to give them a hand whilst I busied myself upstairs. After around 10mins I came back downstairs to see how they were getting on and couldn't believe my eyes when I saw DP and the 2 men dragging filthy, dirty sacks full of rubble and soil across my hall carpet, which was a pale biscuit colour BTW, and out the front door.

Needless to say, I hit the roof and started shouting at the 2 men, one of which looked like the older mans teeneage son and saying that this was unacceptable, do they think that it's ok to drag muddy mags across a light carpet? etc. I tols them that I would be sending them the cleaning bill and promptly fled the room in tears. The 3 of them just stood there in stunned silence.

My very hormonal outburst got me results anyway and Dp was very apologetic and cleaned the carpet up as good as new after they had left.

You are well within your rights to let rip. It's totally unacceptable and Piss-taking and I don't think you should ut up with it, so YANBU.

blueshoes · 22/08/2010 14:33

Can you find another flatmate/lodger?

If not, the suggestions about dumping his crap onto his bed is a good idea. If he asks, just say, oh, I didn't know where they should go. I feel like starting a war on your behalf.

Original poster

BextheBambi · 22/08/2010 14:34

DP has already lost his temper and dumped all his stuff infront of his door, he seemed to get the hint that time, but it lasted all of about a day.

I would just leave it to the others but i feel so guilty because DP and friend1 work such long hours.

OP posts:

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 22/08/2010 14:34

AYBU to refuse to do anything? YES.

I would not be asking him to move out. I would change the locks and leave his stuff in the garden. And refuse to refund the deposit.

He doesn't sound like a friend to me. Someone who would let a 7 month pregnant woman clean up after him is a grade A cunt.

Congratulations on your pregnancy by the way.

StuckInTheMiddleWithYou · 22/08/2010 14:37

Have you explained to him that he will be effectively endangering the health of both a new born baby and a woman who has just given birth, if he doesn't get his arse in gear? Ask him how he would feel if either you or your child were to contract some kind of infection from the filth.

Original poster

BextheBambi · 22/08/2010 14:40

The reason we're in this situation is because everywhere we looked at which was 1 bedroom in our price range was a bedsit that didnt allow children.

The rent around our area is extortionate(sp?) and other than moving in with the parents this was the only other option, my parents can only be tolerated in small doses.

I'm at a loss on what to do, slightly wishing it wasn't a friend as it would mean i would be able to handle the situation alot easier. I'm a very passive person and have never dealt well with confrontation.

OP posts:

LadyintheRadiator · 22/08/2010 14:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

BextheBambi · 22/08/2010 14:43

I'm really worried that i'll be reported to social services by the health worker if I can't get on top of things. It brings me to tears just to think that my child could be taken away from me or become ill because of someone else.

OP posts:

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 22/08/2010 14:55

Oh Bex. Please don't get stressed by it. Social Services really don't care about stuff like that. I think you need some help asserting yourself - or I think your DP needs to do it, or I think you should take up friend 1's kind offer. Makes me so cross that the 3 people closest to you should be looking after YOU.

smellmycheese · 22/08/2010 14:55

I had a housemate like this once. He once went away for three weeks, leaving all his dirty plates and saucepans for me to wash up.

I put them all in a cardboard box, and put them in the back garden to let them rot for three weeks. When he came home I told him there was a pressie in the garden for him!

On a serious note though. I was a student in a shared house, not an expecting mother in a mature relationship!

I would use the fact he is a friend to talk to him. Something along the lines of 'we have really different styles of living, and I really don't wanna fall out with you. Your friendship means more to me than falling out over mess, so it might be best if we didn't live together anymore'

sallyseton · 22/08/2010 14:56

Do you know what, I read an article in the guardian a few years ago about 2 unrelated mothers who shared a house with their dc for cost/ companionship reasons.

Does anyone know if this actually happens? And how someone would go about it? Sounds like it could be quite a good solution for you and dh if possible.

LittleWhiteWolf · 22/08/2010 14:59

"I'm at a loss on what to do, slightly wishing it wasn't a friend as it would mean i would be able to handle the situation alot easier. I'm a very passive person and have never dealt well with confrontation."

Firstly, you are not dealing with a friend as a friend would not treat you in this way, causing you such anxiety and allowing you to clean to the extent of putting yourself in hospital.
Secondly, and I'm sorry to be blunt, but you need a backbone to deal with this person. I say this as someone who also hates confrontation, but my DD is 13 months and I've come to realise during this time that no-one is as important as she is and I can stand up for her easier than standing up for myself. Clearly you, your DP and your other friend are all fed up with this slovenly person so get rid. Simple. And yes, it is that simple as you have your health (collective healths) to worry about.

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