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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be worried about DP being in this band...?

33 replies

rockwife · 22/08/2010 10:11

I am a regular who has name changed for this.

My DP plays in a covers band (I wont say what he plays as it might out me!) - they are a just a covers band that play 3 - 4 times a month in local pubs etc. he enjoys it but the pay isn't great. he has a day job though so really it has been just a hobby for him.

However he has now been offered the chance to play in a very well known, very popular tribute band, he had to go through several rounds of auditions over the last few weeks and has now been offered the job.

I am a bit worried about this as this new band regularly play to 1000's of people and have played major festivals and supported very famous bands. they play all over the country and he would have to stay out overnight sometimes, they even play abroad so he may even have to do that occasionally.

to be honest, I am feeling a bit worried at the thought of him being in this band, I don't want him being miles and miles away from me and the kids every weekend. I worry that our little life at home with the kids will just not be as appealing for him when he is performing in front of loads of adoring people and having an amazing time. I used to be a singer in a band (thats how I met DP, although the band was nowhere near the scale of this one) so I know only too well the buzz of performing and having people telling you how great you are. Its an amazing feeling and how nothing seems as exciting compared to it. It doesnt help that I miss doing it myself and part of me will be jealous of him for still being able to do it.

I don't want to say anything to him because he is thrilled that he has been given this chance and the money is fantastic, not life changing but will pay the rent, bills and for treats like holidays etc.

aibu? what should I do?

OP posts:

LynetteScavo · 22/08/2010 10:15

Of course your little life will still be appealing to him - even more so. But it'snot for me to reassure you, it's for him.

You need to talk to him.

tethersend · 22/08/2010 10:17

Tough one... tell him your worries and perhaps agree a 'trial period' where he joins the band and you both review the situation in say, two months?

I think if you stop him joining, he will resent you. If being in the band is incompatible with family life, he needs to come to that conclusion himself IYSWIM...

emmyloulou · 22/08/2010 10:21

You are not being unreasonable to be concerned, it's natural my DH works away a lot.

But it's a true test of your relationship and the strength and trust of it.

However if this is his dream come true, then he should go for it. The money is great, it will also be a better life in the long term for you and his family, it won't be forever will it?

I think you need to talk to him, as he may feel very resentful if he is denied this chance, likewise you may feel very resntful if he takes it.

Original poster

rockwife · 22/08/2010 10:23

yeah I would never stop him doing it...and I do trust him, I would just miss him and worry he was having a better time with the band than me and the kids could provide, if that makes sense?

OP posts:

sanielle · 22/08/2010 10:25

If you were worried about your son going off to join a band and getting off with loads of girls and doing copious amounts of drugs... I'd say you were not unreasonable to be worried.

I think you are unreasonable to be worried about your dh though. He's a bit too old(assuming you are both legal adults) to be changed by the life style and being out on the road won't have much genuine appeal to an adult. Sounds horrible to me! I imagine there will be some sort of smelly bus involved am I right? He will go away have odd hours, crap food, shit sleep. WHen he comes home it will be to his family, comfort, regular sex with someone who is not a skanky groupie.

Sounds like a great oppertunity for your family. Unless you find it to hard to go with out seeing him for a while, think it should be fun

emmyloulou · 22/08/2010 10:25

I know what you mean and it's natural but you stop worrying about it after a while.

You don't want them to be miserable emotional wrecks whilst they are away, but you do want them to miss you. You get used to it.

ccpccp · 22/08/2010 10:53

Yeah be worried, TBH. Sorry!

Its normal to live the rock lifestyle and then settle down. Not the other way around. The perks will be hard to resist.

Plus - hes not DH is he? Hes just DP.

I'm not trying to spoil your day, just spell out the realities. Make sure you meet the other band members, and let them get to know your kids. Go on the road as much as possible with them. If you dont want him to stray you have to make the life yours also.

Heracles · 22/08/2010 11:56

TBH, when you're playing far from home and you sleep in a cold, unfamiliar bed and wake up for the third day in a row with a pain in your back and a Jerry Lee Lewis-sized hangover, those nights in with just you and the family become something special to look forward to.

Covers bands can earn decent money and get regular work but don't attract (nor are expected to play out) the surrounding accoutrements that go with being a band doing its own thing. It'll be fine (and fun).

Original poster

rockwife · 22/08/2010 12:18

ccpccp well, we are engaged. I think you are right to say I should meet the other band members. I know they are younger than DP so I dont know if they have wives / gf's / kids etc. have you experienced this kind of thing?

i agree with you heracles - dp being in a tribute / cover band wouldn't be the same as if he was in, say, guns n roses or something :o ...tribute bands are different to originals bands and i doubt they would attract groupies or anything but saying that, musicians always attract women (i should know, i have only ever dated them myself! :o )

and yeah as i have said, they money would be very attractive....

OP posts:

Snobear4000 · 22/08/2010 12:37

He might have fun doing it. You had better squash his dreams...
...
...
...Not.

Sounds like a good gig. Covers band is an easy life because there is no expectation of actual fame, and no career hanging on a thread with each new release. A good, solid gig for a more mature player to be involved in, to keep their toe in the water, musically.

Women who bang on about how awful it will be when someone's music business hubby might be away for a few days or weeks need to go talk to some armed forces wives and get some perspective.

Snobear4000 · 22/08/2010 12:39

Oh and all this chat about groupies, sex, etc? What is this, the 1970's, Led Zeppelin?

That shit is so last week. I know dozens of musicians and haven't seen a groupie in years.

tethersend · 22/08/2010 12:40

Snobear is right. It's not a Led zeppelin covers band, is it?

YunoYurbubson · 22/08/2010 12:43

Does the band have a good pun name?

Tribute bands have great pun names.

(Talk to your partner).

emmyloulou · 22/08/2010 12:44

Women who bang on about how awful it will be when someone's music business hubby might be away for a few days or weeks need to go talk to some armed forces wives and get some perspective.

Ishouldprobablywax · 22/08/2010 12:51

Rockwife-my dh used to do thesame thing and is now a sessionplayer so I know what you mean!
I found tha. The first few weeks it was all very exciting and was all he talked about buuut after a while it just became his job. He got fed up of not getting to eat dinner with me and snuggling up to watch the wire and socialising in the evenings. The trouble with it it is it's actually a boring job for 80% of the then the last 2 hours of the day are amazing, and dh got sick of the peaks and troughs so to speak.

Anyway, I reckon you should bite your lip and let him go for it with no conditions, if you start laying down the law now you'll be pushing him towards it even more (I've seen alot of women do this!!!) and he won't want to spend much time with you because he'll get nagged etc. So just take a step back and let him enjoy it, I bet the kids would love to see him play to a large crowd too.
And the nights away- I used to hate it but now I quite enjoy them. I just do things I wouldn't normally do with him around-guilty pleasure DVDs,Chinese,chocolate, maaassive phonecalla to my sister etc

Morloth · 22/08/2010 12:59

You might find you enjoy the times he is away as well. I am pretty sure one of the reasons DH and I get on so well is because of the travelling he does.

You can't say No, I would be crushed if DH did that to me when I had such a fab opportunity.

Snobear4000 · 22/08/2010 13:06

tethersend... is it possible to have Tribute Groupies? There's a thought.

Rockwife... I'd like to make a wager with you. After his first three weeks of shows, DP will be on the email and phone whining about how the singer is an egomaniac, the guitarist (whose room he shares) always shits in the hotel room bathroom as soon as they check in, the lampy is reliably hungover and unpleasant before 2pm, and they have not had time to do laundry for ten days, he's recycling socks by rinsing them in the sink with shampoo.

And something to look forward to... after a period of abstinence, rock wives can look forward to something we in the business describe as "the sailor's return".

Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that.

blueshoes · 22/08/2010 13:08

rockwife, you know your dp better than any of us. Is he likely to have his head turned by being in this band? I wonder whether it is glamorous when the reality is it is grubby and exhausting when you are not a young buck.

Also, how long/often will he be away and how will that affect his day job eg when they play abroad? I would be more concerned if this band work will negatively affect his day job and you would have to consider how regular the band work is likely to be.

Do they tour at certain times of the year, rather than all year round?

My BIL tours with an international rock band. He is the most family orientated person ever, under the thumb even. I doubt if he gets up to anything with groupies - SIL would erase him for a start. It is a lot of bitching (amongst band members) and sleeping on the coach. He is doing it for the money but moans about what he has to put up with.

Spacehopper5 · 22/08/2010 17:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

rockwife · 23/08/2010 10:04

interesting to read all the replies from the ladies who have been in similar situations, thank you :)

tethersend its not a led zep tribute band :o

snobear he won't be away for days / weeks at a time, usually it will be just friday or saturday evenings with the occasional overnight stay if he is further afield, the playing abroad is only a possibility at this time. so it won't affect his day job (as blueshoes asked)

spacehopper part of the reason we fell in love is because we were both so passionate about music and also because we were both musicians. so I know how much it "unites people" also remember that quote from Spinal Tap :o love that film! As I said in my OP though, part of me is jealous because I am not doing the band thing anymore :( I can't, I am 30 with 2 kids and feel increasingly out of touch with the music scene, which makes me sad. DP is 39 and can still do it, it seems unfair to me. I will try to come to some of his gigs because we are lucky enough to have reliable babysitters regularly. but I just feel I will look like his boring little wifey rather than the cool rock chick I used to be :(

OP posts:

thesecondcoming · 23/08/2010 10:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

rockwife · 23/08/2010 17:23

thanks tsc

i can imagine that about the roadies etc, i can remember flirting with them myself when i was younger to try and meet bands flirting was as far as it went though!! (never met anyone good only terrorvision, pitchshifter and the backyard babies, oh and once walked past ginger from the wildhearts {90's emoticon} :o )

OP posts:

Snobear4000 · 23/08/2010 20:03

Dear dear, Rockwife:

"but I just feel I will look like his boring little wifey rather than the cool rock chick I used to be"

Don't worry, your DP will not be the cool rock kid he once was, he'll be a 39 YO dad in a covers band. Not that cool, really.

Original poster

rockwife · 24/08/2010 09:52

haha :o

OP posts:

Fontella · 24/08/2010 10:32

HI Rockwife, I was once in a similar position to you, my ex and I met when we were both musicians in the same band. After we'd set up home together he got offered a gig with a much better/more successful band who played overseas tours, festivals etc. I wasn't happy - very insecure etc for much the same reasons as you ... and to my eternal shame and without going into details, I ruined it for him. We split up eventually for other reasons but I still feel incredibly guilty about spoiling it for him - something I had absolutely no right to do. If I could turn the clock back and change things I would. In the years since he has remarried, has a son (who is also a fine musician) but as far as I know he doesn't play himself any more, and certainly has never had another opportunity like that.

First of all, your DP is obviously a fine musician to get this far, and to get through all the auditions ... and it's wonderful that he's got this chance to play with such a successful band. I know/have known so many talented musicians down the years who despite working hard and making a lot of sacrifices, have got nowhere - your DP has got a 'career' in music to some extent (I know he's got another job as well), but you know what I mean.

I know it's hard to keep your fears and insecurities to yourself, but try to focus on being happy for him and this great opportunity he's got. I can see from your posts that is what you are already trying to do which I think speaks volumes about the kind of person you are . Your OH doesn't sound like the type to let being in a successful band go to his head and I bet you'll find that he can't wait to get back to you and the kids. As for not being a rock chick anymore - being 30 with 2 kids doesn't mean you can't be a rock chick. In my view it makes you even cooler. You're a rock chick with a musician partner who is actually making money with his music (unlike zillions of others) and 2 rock kids lol!

I don't know you or your DP obviously, but you can get a feel for people from the way they post and what they write, and I honestly think it's all gonna be fine for you and your family, as others have said.

Good luck with it all, and do let us know how it goes.

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