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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not court friends?

19 replies

Cortina · 22/08/2010 10:05

I am probably by nature a bit of a loner with a few very close friends. Someone new came to the school and I was very surprised by a sort of charm offensive that was launched by other Mums.

This Mum seemed nice and was also quite an influential, powerful, amusing kind of lady. At the school gates I was surprised to see people giving her gifts, this sort of thing: ' I was just passing this shop yesterday afternoon and saw this gorgeous dress, thought how pretty your DD would look in it etc'. At first this lady was quite friendly with me but we sort of drifted apart in this 'battle' for her friendship and affections. The 'gift givers' hardly knew her, literally she joined last term and this was at the start of last term.

I couldn't be bothered to compete and frankly I thought this behaviour odd so withdrew a bit. I think the original Mum got pissed off and couldn't be bothered with me as I wasn't playing this game.

I've noticed that this is how people are when they want to make a new Mum or colleague a bosom friend. :). A few ladies I know when new to a social scene, school or work place go all out and call up the ones they like and almost pressure them to attend a social function etc. These others go along because they feel it would be rude not to and in time become friends with the person.

This just seems unnatural to me, I think that friendships should evolve organically etc. Tough at the school when you work etc. Am beginning to think I've got this wrong?

OP posts:

BeenBeta · 22/08/2010 10:13

Where on earth do you live?

I have ever seen parents give gifts to new parents. You are well out of it. This is not normal!

This sounds like the sort of place where everyone is terribly aware of everyone elses social standing. Yuck.

BeenBeta · 22/08/2010 10:14

never ever seen

CaptainKirksNipples · 22/08/2010 10:16

Is the new mum the one giving or receiving the gifts? Is there a chance they know each other from somewhere else? How often did the gift thing happen?

LynetteScavo · 22/08/2010 10:18

Eh?

When my DS changed school no one gave me gifts.

Original poster

Cortina · 22/08/2010 10:25

No the new Mum is receiving the gifts, the gift giving was when she'd been there a few weeks and fairly 'stealth' in the car park at school :). I've seen gifts being given in this way a couple of times early on to this lady but it was more the OTT charm offensive that was launched that had me curious/rather puzzled.

I have seen this sort of thing before, someone trying to buy the friendship of another they want to have like them and invite them to be part of their social circle.

It's a fairly bog standard state school. Some do seem to flaunt wealth at the school gates though, think several obvious designer labels competing/screaming for attention at once. Anything goes and I don't want to judge but this has struck me as odd and I wonder whether anyone you know does this?

OP posts:

Gay40 · 22/08/2010 10:36

We hate the school gate mafia mums. I've seen it go on, and they've even tried to get us on side to join their "social circle", of which there's a few, but we give them a very wide berth.

So much so that DP has openly stated she'd happily never do the school run ever again = good job I do it and being naturally quite rude as a person I don't give a toss what they think.
So no. YANBU.

Mowiol · 22/08/2010 10:45

It actually sounds like the Mums should still be at school themselves - all that "I'm the popular one and everyone does what I say" type of thing.
How weird those "Gate Committees" are!!
And no-one ever gave me gifts either .

MrsSaxon · 22/08/2010 10:50

I have always found the socializing part of being a mum the most pressurized, at least it is in my small town.

I never went to any baby groups, just pootled along and am considered something of a freak.

I have met some nice people at the school gate but I have also seen behavior like you are describing.

junkcollector · 22/08/2010 11:25

It's wierd to give gifts quite frankly and I've never seen this. Perhaps the women/ woman doing this lacks confidence.

However are you sure this lady "got pissed off and couldn't be bothered with me" because you wouldn't "play the game" or because you suddenly withdrew? You sound a bit lacking in confidence yourself.

So YANBU not to want to court friends but a bit self defeating to just withdraw from nice people cos other people are peculiar about making friends!

PYT · 22/08/2010 11:29

Sounds totally bonkers. Gift giving? Pah ha ha ha ha ha.

Original poster

Cortina · 22/08/2010 11:36

She had a party and I went, don't find it easy. Was myself and enjoyed the hospitality and had a good time. It was peopled with those who were trying so hard to be in with her and it felt unnatural and forced to me. I should maybe have tried harder but she seemed to always want to meet up in a group and was happiest in the sort of scene I describe and I am not.

We met up for lunch once, about 6 of us and someone texted her who couldn't make it. She was really pissed off with them, I thought that was OTT.

This said I did think she was huge amounts of fun and would have liked to have been her friend but it felt like there were real or imagined by me (?) rules to play by.

I prefer to be totally myself with someone and hope that friendship grows from there. I felt like I had to win her over, like I had to be the wittiest and most interesting at this party to continue with the friendship somehow.

OP posts:

Heracles · 22/08/2010 11:37

So, you're not bothered about making friends, but you're bothered about other women making friends with another woman?

Am I reading this right?

Original poster

Cortina · 22/08/2010 11:40

No, I suppose I am interested in how others would have played out this sort of scenario. Heracles, say you meet someone new in some context or another and you'd like to get to know them better but you find yourself in the sort of situation I describe. It felt like I had to fight for her friendship, I see that others sometimes do this when making women friends (gift givers I described and those at the party). I don't and wonder how many of us do?

OP posts:

Heracles · 22/08/2010 12:25

But this woman seems (from your description) to be fine with this, as do those who are courting her. Neither party sound like the kind of folk you'd like to be friends with, so...... I'm just a bit puzzled is all.

Original poster

Cortina · 22/08/2010 12:38

Well, my initial reaction was I liked her and I suppose I feel that I've let myself down in some way by a friendship not panning out? Maybe it's more natural to do this sort of 'courting' than I think?

OP posts:

Goblinchild · 22/08/2010 13:00

It sounds very needy teenager-like behaviour and quite unsettling to think that these people are also parents.

Morloth · 22/08/2010 13:01

Giving gifts is weird in a new friendship.

Have to say though as we are expats I am often on a recruitment drive for mates. Just sorting out a replacement for myself right now in fact.

LynetteScavo · 22/08/2010 14:38

I'm now worried that now nobody has ever like me enough to give me gifts to get me to befriend them.

forehead · 22/08/2010 16:15

I can't believe that people even have time for all that socialising at the school gate nonsense. I am a drop them off and run type of person , i just can't be arsed.
Some people just need to GROW UP.

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