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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to take DS to the doctor?

41 replies

naaaaaaamechange · 21/08/2010 18:20

XP just dropped DS (22mo) off. He said that he has been sick and pointed out a very pale "rash" on his arm, which faded about 30 seconds after I brought him inside.

DS seems perfectly fine - no temperature, perfectly alert and happy, hasn't been sick in the hour since he came back. I don't see a need to take him to the doctor at all. XP is quite insistent though. I'm a bit annoyed as if he was that worried, why didn't he take him to the out of hours clinic himself? He's also decided he's too ill to go tomorrow, and said that IF I take him to the doctor, he will see him next saturday.

The only thing I can think is maybe he thinks it's chicken pox, as his girlfriend is pregnant. Other than that I can't think why he has decided he is too ill to go tomorrow, unless he is just making a crap excuse (as he has been known to before) And (Blush) I smelled DS' clothes and they don't smell like he has been sick, at all. But on the other hand, why would he bother to make something like this up?? Confused

He was manipulative/controlling when we were together, if that is relevant. Also why I namechanged, just in case he comes on here to check!

OP posts:
Starbuck999 · 21/08/2010 23:52

That's a fantastic idea Chippingin - we should create a new MN forum where we can make profiles of terrible ex's and write a list of their "crimes" etc! Smile I love it!

OP YANBU, it does sound a little like they have lied so to get out of looking after DS. That's terrible, but to make things easier why don't you try and speak to him. Not accusing them of anything but make it clear that it would be nice if you could all get on, be flexible with each other and be willing to discuss changes when it is supposed to be your day with ds but you need the other to have him for whatever reason... Surely this would make things easier for you both, and would stop any need for the "lies".

Original poster
naaaaaaamechange · 22/08/2010 02:01

Oh believe me Starbuck, I have tried that... no, he seems to enjoy making things as awkward for me as possible. Cancelling at the last minute, being over an hour late meaning I end up cancelling my plans, etc... this all after I had spoken to him about it. He usually gives me a couple of days' notice to cancel (though the agreement was a week's notice) or just makes up some random excuse.

A forum to name and shame might be good Grin but I am a bit scared to put his name online in case he googled himself and found it! Anyway by all accounts his girlfriend is as bad as he is, so I just hope they stay together for a long time....

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 22/08/2010 10:50

Hi - so, are you going to the party??

Starbuck999 · 22/08/2010 11:33

It must be hard for you. Sounds like he is doing it (cancelling at last minute etc) to make your life harder and to make sure you don't get to make plans. How is your relationship with MIL? If your ds still sees her could you arrange for him to be dropped off there (presuming it's local) and meet ex there? Then if he doesn't turn up perhaps his mother can talk sense to him, perhaps he will definitely turn up if he needs to go there to collect him?

Just an idea - depends really what your relationship with MIL is like, do you discuss him being less than reliable and does she agree he needs to make more of an effort?

Original poster
naaaaaaamechange · 22/08/2010 12:14

Yes we are going to the party Grin XMIL was so pleased at the prospect of DS being there that she's even offered to give us a lift!

Hmm, I could Starbuck, but he always lets me know (even if the notice is very short) before he cancels, so I think he would carry on how he is anyway. And I don't drive so it would mean me taking DS on the bus for 20 minutes there and back. And I think she doesn't really want to get involved, which is fair enough. She said she doesn't like that he has taken DS away from her but as long as she gets to see him (via me etc) she is happy.

And as mumbar said - she might be hard work but at least she makes the effort! And TBH she has tried her best to be neutral, I think, which is nice.

OP posts:
Original poster
naaaaaaamechange · 22/08/2010 12:19

Oh and a present for a three year old girl - do you think a comic would be ok? I don't want to turn up empty handed, but don't really have the time (or money, TBH) to go into town.

OP posts:
ben5 · 22/08/2010 12:24

i would make an appt with docs for ds. tell ex that he should take him to this appointment as he can describe the rash, how long it lasted, if he had eaten anything different, had clothes washed in different washing powder, how long he was sick for, how much sick was it food or just liquid he brought up etc. he would know all these answers having spent the day with him. you on the other hand wouldn't so would be a waste of doctors and your time taking him!

mumbar · 22/08/2010 16:06

Ah chippin a name and shame thread - loving it Grin

Too late re my ex he is getting married in February to his gf of 4 years. She's lovely actually.

He invited me to wedding Hmm no mention of it being because he wants ds there! Its abroad during school time so hav said I can't go - which is true. This is just a blessing in neutral country because of paper work but ex-MIL has said they can have the white wedding during school hols so we can go Shock - really do not want too.

Oh btw they are expecting me to pay my own flights despite the fact I don't get maintenence and ex-p gave no money for ds birthday last week.

The word F OFF spring to mind!!

Sorry to hijack op.

Hope you had a lovely time at the party and I bet exMIL really appreciates what your doing and the more she sees how hard things are the more she may help out iyswim.

ChippingIn · 22/08/2010 20:06

The 'Hall of Name & Shame' - if only we could, it would save a lot of heartache I'm sure!!

Mumbar - you haven't felt the need to warn her then ?? Do you think you'll be upset seeing him getting married - or do you think you'll be upset for his 'new wife'?? LOL - pay for your and DS's flight to be there at his wedding - yep... ends in OFF. Why don't you get mtce?

naaaaaaaame - how did it go at the party? Have you heard from Ex today - either to rant about the party or to see how DS is feeling today??

mumbar · 22/08/2010 22:26

'Hall of Name & Shame' Grin

She obviously knows what he's like she lives with him! He may have changed or she's too soft who knows!!

Maintence not paid as I'm a soft arse. Was living abroad but maintence solicitor sought was too high (for him) and would have cost me too much to get the paperwork Sad
Always got maintence at some point in the month but decided to return to UK as better propects for me carerer wise and he didn't see ds much (see above post re night time stays) He said he wouldn't pay maintence but would pay for ds and me to visit yearly so he could see him. Last went march 2007 Hmm This is first time he hasn't given 100E for ds birthday or xmas.

Sorry op for hijack there.

Hpw has it all gone today? Did ds have a good time?? Has ex rang to see how ds is? (my ds is actually vomiting today. he's 6 so if your little one did it without it going EVERYWHERE I'm impressed Wink)

ChippingIn · 23/08/2010 02:46

Mumbar - I hope DS is better by the morning :(

mumbar · 23/08/2010 09:11

hey naaaaaamechange how are you and ds today?

We are wondering how the party went - we hope you ahd a good time.

Original poster
naaaaaaamechange · 24/08/2010 01:16

Sorry - only briefly popped onto MN last night so didn't get a chance to update :)

The party was great, it was lovely to see everyone and not awkward in any way. DS ate lots of cake and crisps and other inappropriate foods and was NOT sick. Grin

XP hasn't got in touch at all, actually, I was quite surprised you both asked - would it be normal for a NRP to ring to check on a Dc? I suppose it would if he really was that concerned. Confused

Mumbar hope your DS is feeling better now. I can't believe that about the wedding! What are they like!

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 24/08/2010 09:58

Hi naaaaaaa

Glad you both had a good time at the party :)

Yes, any decent NRP would phone that evening & the next morning etc to see how their child was if they had dropped them off unwell, especially if it was so bad plans needed to be changed!

You also need to start putting your foot dwn about him having DS when he's not well as he does when he is well - he's his DAD, you don't get to choose when to be a parent. (Obv you wouldn't send him to his Dad's if he was very poorly and didn't want to go). You have a whole winter coming up, he can't just decide not to have him everytime it's not convenient he has a sniffle!

create · 24/08/2010 10:11

If I had been caring for any child who was taken ill, I would call to find out how they were the next day. My own child...I'd probably be on the door step!

Pioneer · 24/08/2010 12:19

Totally agree with create - such bizarre behaviour!

If DSD is ever ill, DH always calls/texts her mother pretty much every day to see how she is, until she is better.

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