Being a 'supportive' friend doesn't mean agreeing with everything?

[passionfruity]

In the last year, I have been told that I am 'not being very supportive' by two separate friends (X and Y).

This has been when they were explaining, separately, about a problem (e.g. an argument with a friend or boyfriend troubles) and I say something like 'perhaps they meant ... instead' or reassure them that the problem might not be as bad as they think for pracical reasons. I do of course listen and sympathise too.

So my question is: to some people, does being supportive mean you have to agree blindly with everything they say - even when they ask for your opinion?

In a word - yes.

I have a friend who needs you to agree with her on everything. If you don't she will go in a bad mood. I don't see her that often, so I just tend to go along with it and sugar coat everything, which does tend to help her get through things. I have to say that she tends to be the same with me, which is actually quite refreshing, as a lot of people do tend to be brutally honest. Sometimes it is nice to put the positive spin on things.

However, I also have friends who are very practical and honest, and value my honesty too.

I think you just need to guage the person really - if they have said you are not being supportive, then the next time they have a problem - ask them "Do you want my honest opinion?" It will give them a chance to think about whether they want actual practical advice, or if they just want you to agree with them.

Hope that helps and is not just gobbledygook - recovering from a general anaesthetic so still a bit hazy!

I actually ask the person 'are you looking for advice or sympathy?' Point blank. And then give them what they want.

yes and no. of course sometimes a reality check is neeed - but sometimes too much emphasis on looking for a more positive spin on a situation can feel to the recipient like you are invalidating their feelings - i.e. you are implying they are making a fuss unnecessarily.

Reassuring that the problem may not be as bad as they think is not a friendship skill and will alienate you from your friends. What you should be doing is concentrating on listening to how they feel but you are effectively invalidating their feelings which will make them feel like shit.

I have a friend who does this and I know never to talk to her when I am upset because I will always feel much worse once she has triedto be helpful and supportive.

You can offer constructive advice and opinions, but only after all the feelings have been dealt with, so often on a different day even.

Hope this helps

I don't think so. One thing I value about my best friend is that she has this ability to look at everything from different angles which I don't so I appreciate her input.

If you are venting about something trivial, it is nice to have the backup of your friends though.

It's a minefield! Some people ask for 'advice', when all they really want is for you to validate the decisions they have already made. This differs from friend to friend though, so is hard to get it completely right.

Unfortunately, yes, some people do just want to hear that they are right and DP/friend is wrong. You can see it on some of the crazier AIBU threads. They are often people who find it hard to see the world from any other POV but their own, which is why they see your constructive advice as criticism.

Don't take it personally, it is more their limitation than yours. But, now that you know their personalities, it may be worth tailoring your response accordingly if you value their friendships.

If it really goes against the grain to offer the 'oh hun, how awful, what a bastard' line when you secretly disagree then perhaps encourage your friends to get that sort of support elsewhere - but come to you when they want practical, objective advice.

I would say it is more your limitation than theirs!

Practical and objective advice is valued by pretty much everyone, it is about when and how you give it, and whether you have allowed and hopefully supported a person to work through their feelings about something before you move onto practical advice mode.

Whe you ask the question about whether you just have to agree with everything you have really missed the essence of the issue here imo.

FattyA - completely agree that most people need to deal with their emotions before being able to move on to practical issues.

But, how often on AIBU do you see posters who appear to ask for opinions then get hugely defensive when given them? There are, unfortunately, a minority of people who have no intention of understanding the other person's POV in an argument. Being called on repeatedly to tell them how 'right' they are can be challenging if you know they are never going to want constructive advice.