Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

After traumatic birth heard friend talking flippantly about it AIBU?

26 replies

zabba · 20/08/2010 23:13

Hi,

I just had an unplanned home birth as I wasn't able to make it to the hospital in time - my 2nd bb, a difficult experience. The baby was back to back, and almost got stuck - we had two paramedics and two midwifes, no pain relief...Needless to say I was in a lot of pain and very frightened, thinking that I might need a C-section or other intervention and having no way to get to the hospital in time.

I managed to give birth naturally (finally) but it was a grim and degrading experience, which has left me feeling incredibly traumatised. I am trying to focus on the baby who is lovely and so far have been fine.

Yesterday I met up with a male friend and overheard him describing it to another friend as 'a scene from the exorcist'. He wasn't there of course, but has spoken to my partner, who told him our room had been like a scene from a crimean war hospital - and he has obviously extrapolated...

AIBU to feel gutted to hear an experience that I can barely bring myself to face, being talked about so flippantly? I realise that it is day five and maybe I am about to hit the baby blues, but not sure how to handle this?

OP posts:

mummysgoingmad · 20/08/2010 23:19

congratulation on your new arrival! I think your being an ikle bit unreasonable, but your allowed to be right now. He probably didnt mean it to upset you

AmpleBosom · 20/08/2010 23:19

Zabba how awful for you

I think i would tell your friend that actually it was a really awful experience and you'd rather he didn't talk about it. I suppose your partner could always do this for you.

I hope you are feeling better soon and congratulations

hellymelly · 20/08/2010 23:19

YANBU. i once had a friend mention in a similar fashion something that had been really traumatic and upsetting for me,and I was really bothered by it,for years actually.It is hard when you are still making sense of things yourself.I am sure however that your friend (and mine) didn't mean to hurt you and is just being rather thoughtless.We all like a dramatic story and it is hard not to pass this sort of thing on.So hopefully you will be able to forgive it,and maybe if you explain that you were upset your friend might think about it and say sorry?

Pioneer · 20/08/2010 23:21

YANBU - your DP should not have been discussing his with his friend unless he had already agreed with you that it was ok to do so.

Also, your DP's friend should not have been passing on the story to someone else - especially as you were in earshot!

But, and this will sound very sexist, I think men on the whole tend to lack tact and discretion, and will not have been thinking about how you might feel (sorry), rather what a good story it makes.

Tell your DP nicely that you do not wish the details of the birth to be discussed with anyone.

Also, can you get a de-brief of the birth with the midwife - talk it over and perhaps get some counselling?

Hope you are ok and congratulations on your little bambino .

ronshar · 20/08/2010 23:21

This sounds ever so hard for you. A traumatic delivery takes a long time to get over and yours is up there as a trauma.

Take a deep breath and try to remember that others may not see your experience as you do. Also for a man who may never have had the experience of a birth, let alone a messy one, he will not have the emotional depth to really understand what you have been through.

So no YANBU. But dont be too harsh on someone who may have no understanding of how hard your birth was.

Take it easy and remember. You are safe, your baby is safe and the birth was a necessary process to go through in order to be together.
Maybe ask your midwife to go through your notes to help you answer any questions you may have to get you through this.

blueshoes · 20/08/2010 23:25

zabba, you just need to tell your dh this is not the time for competitive story telling and that he should zip it.

MollysChambers · 20/08/2010 23:27

YANBU to feel upset so soon after. It was a flippant remark rather than a nasty one though. While you were in a great deal of pain and distress, too others (particularly those that have not / will never do it), you were "just" giving birth. Sometimes people don't appreciate that even something as normal and everyday as this can be bloody hellish.

Sorry you had such a bad experience. Enjoy your baby. Congratulations!

Katisha · 20/08/2010 23:27

This is a very traumatic and personal thing for you and you are still very much in it all.

The problem is that you can't really stop other people talking about it in a way that doesn't fully appreciate the enormity of it all . Try to concentrate on yourself and the baby and sod anyone else. No-one is going to know how it felt except you and there is probably little point in trying to make sure no-one can talk about it without being fully up on all the details.

There are some things you can control and some you can't - and how people perceive your story may be one of the things you have to let go. The main thing is that you come to terms with it yourself.

larks35 · 20/08/2010 23:28

YANBU what an arse! Congrats on your new baby.

TBH I don't think you should have to think about "handling" anything. Next time you see this arsewipe bloke just tell him that he has no right to make your baby's birth his next "funny story". I've no doubt that he'll be quite shame-faced. I think you should also speak to your DH about how he describes your very personal experience to his mates.

All this aside, none of it really matters, you've got a beautiful new baby and fuck sod the rest of the world

scottishmummy · 20/08/2010 23:37

so insensitive,your experience isnt quirky story,it was your lived experience. i can only think he was bigging up feel your pain embellishing.

and of corse congratulations on new baby.hope both well

Katey1010 · 20/08/2010 23:38

Obviously he can't understand what you have been through (and very recently as well). YANBU. However, IMO sometimes men tell these stories like this because they think you are brave and strong and can't articulate that. They are uncomfortable saying, "bloody hell, Zabba did something I couldn't have done". He was a bit of an idiot but your partner might need to talk about it too (maybe not to this friend...). Maybe you and your partner need to talk to someone about it (midwife, counsellor) so that you can face this and move on with your new baby.

Congratulations on the addition to your family!

MarineIguana · 20/08/2010 23:50

YANBU at all, but, I tend to hyperbole and that might be the kind of thing I'd say about my own birthing experiences without a thought - just to emphasise how extreme it was. I think it's completely understandable that it upset you, but I imagine the friend was probably just trying to get across how scary and dramatic it all was and has absolutely no idea how that would make you feel at this point.

I would forgive him and just focus on looking after yourself and babe. Congratulations and well done for getting through it.

Original poster

zabba · 20/08/2010 23:57

Some very wise points made in a very short time!

I am glad to have got through it and I know lots of people go through worse - I'm just feeling a bit hormonal/oversensitive... And of course you are right - its very typical and blokey to talk about it in that way - they are of course scared of the whole thing (!)

I will have words with both dp and friend though - they should be ashamed of themselves...but you are right, I shouldn't give a...

Thank you all, you have made me feel much better - I really just needed a bit of straight/honest/sympathetic talk to pull myself together. I know I will get it here

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 21/08/2010 00:01

congratulations on new baby.hope you all well

Smilehighclub · 21/08/2010 00:03

oh goodness, YADNBU. It's like your birth experience is a 'good story' to pass on. What an idiot.

Well done on getting through the birthing, enjoy your baby.

Marjee · 21/08/2010 02:01

Yanbu but as others have said its impossible for someone who wasn't there and who will never experience the reality of childbirth to understand how scary and intense it is. I think you or your dp need to tell him it upsets you to hear him talk about it flippantly like that because it was traumatic, he probably has no idea and just thinks its a good story to tell people.
I had a fast labour with my ds and only just made it to hospital in time. Some of my friends made jokes about me nearly giving birth in the back of a taxi which really upset me because it was such a frightening experience for me. Once I'd told them that they stopped mentioning it, they genuinely didn't know that it was traumatic. People just love a dramatic story to tell! Congratulations on the baby, I hope you find a way to move on from the trauma xx

cidre · 21/08/2010 02:56

Zabba,
Well done on having this experience and still having sense of humour!
Enjoy your baby, don't let throw away remarks from someone who (lets face it) doesn't matter in this instance, even cross your mind.
Congratulations...you should be very proud!

Pioneer · 21/08/2010 07:51

Honestly sometimes men are just a bit idiotic with the story telling. My DH is a big blabbermouth confident talker, and I remember him coming home and telling me that he had told his work colleagues that the birth would be imminent as I had had my "show". I am not 100% sure but I think he had to explain to them what it was .

Who the hell wants their DH to be chatting to his work colleagues about the details of their vaginal discharge!!!

And when my waters broke he was straight on the phone to his boss at 10.30pm to tell him....

As I say, I think men can only think one-sided, ie I must let my boss know I won't be in tomorrow and why, without thinking of the potential embarrassment to my wife!

My DH is so embarrassing but I wouldn't swap him !

fustyarse · 21/08/2010 08:05

zabba - congratulations on your new baby, and well done for getting through a traumatic birth.

I had a very difficult birth too with ds1 and it took me a long time to get over it. dh was there throughout and I always felt he didn't fully appreciate how terrible it was for me, he (naturally) focused on the positive (ie a healthy son) as did I, really - but I found myself talking to everyone bar dh about my trauma. It was the only way I could get through it, I was having flashbacks and nightmares, and even on ds1's 1st birthday all I kept thinking was 'oh,this time last year I thought I was going to die....' etc

you need to tell your dp just how dreadful you found it all, and tell him not to describe your experience in gory detail to his friends. I don't think you need to talk to his friend about it.

I also think it's important you talk to your midwife about it. I was offered counselling - have you been? Also you might find some useful support here

Hope you're ok.

wb · 21/08/2010 08:14

Poor you! And congratulations.

My husband described the room where I had my second (also back-to-back) baby as looking like 'the Somme after the battle had passed' (and that was in hospital). Probably he was right but I can remember being pretty cross at the time - it seemed such a strange thing to brag about (our birth made more mess than your birth????wtf).

Luckily I had access to pain-relief and was not traumatized and I think that's key here. So, ignore/forget the stupid/flippant remarks but do speak to someone about your feelings surrounding the birth.

thesecondcoming · 21/08/2010 08:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DDDixon · 21/08/2010 08:56

Well done for delivering a back-to-back baby! It's not easy (I couldn't manage it despite three hours of trying). You did amazingly well without pain relief, it truly is agony (I can only liken it to someone trying to saw through the back of your pelvis) and I don't think anyone who hasn't experienced it can imagine what it's like. And to be having an unplanned home birth must have been very very scary too.

I don't think your friend will have any idea that what he said upset you, as other posters have said he will be impressed with your fortitude but is uncomfortable with the whole subject. I would let it go, but ask your OH to let all your pals know that it's not a topic for jokiness and then nobody else will say anything inadvertantly hurtful.

Enjoy your lovely baby, and if you think you need a bit of help getting over the birth experience please ask for it. I hope your day five blues pass quickly too!

Wishing you and baby well, and I am aware that it's not the "done thing" on mumsnet but I don't care (((hugs)))

thesecondcoming · 21/08/2010 09:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SeaTrek · 21/08/2010 09:43

Congratulations, first of all. As DDDixon said, you managed to do something extremely difficult and I hope you come to be proud of that.

YANBU to be gutted overhearing these remarks. I would be the same. I wouldn't want anyone discussing my birthing experience unless I was there with them at the time. It was private. I wouldn't want my DH telling anyone any details either.

Having said that, I don't think anyone has done anything trying to upset you or being disrespectful. They are just re-telling the excitement of the week and there is probably a but of awe at what you did with no pain-relief.

troublewithtalk · 21/08/2010 09:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flip

1 2