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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think new bit in the ex-p's life is evil

51 replies

onlyone · 20/08/2010 21:14

Ex had picked up DCs for the day - all seemed fine.
15 mins later, get a text from his new slut asking where he is. I ignored it for a while but then got pissed off as whenever he has Daddy time with them she texts and calls all the time.

Told her he was with his kids for the day and none of her business.

She then tells me that he is nearby in a real state and about to do something stupid and wanted to end it all.

She lives 2 hrs away but is coming to "save" him. Me about ten mintues away if he has gone to where he told me had gone. I asked her to tell me where they were - she refused said not where I thought they had gone. he did not need me, she was coming to sort it out.

Am I being unreasonable to think she is an absolute evil evil sick bitch to tell me he is contemplating suicide with our DCS, tell me she knows where they are but will not tell me. If she was going to "save" him and not tell me why did she call me and let me know what was going on. I have never been so scared in my life, bawling my eyes out, trying to get hold of ex - who was of course on the phone to her.

I want to rip her throat out, am so angry.

OP posts:
MoreCrackThanHarlem · 20/08/2010 22:22

I cannot fathom why you have not called the police
If he was in a state and sobbing your dcs are being effected

you have every right to be angry, you must have been desperate, but you seem to be too concerned with painting the new girlfriend as the main issue. You seem very upset by her presence in your xh's life

my main concern would be preventing this happening again- your xh cannot take the children out alone if he is to be an emotional wreck whilst with them

emmyloulou · 20/08/2010 22:24

See bingo that's it, you seem so concerned about painting this woman as this horrific slut, she does sound horrific but I digress, it's not healthy for him to be taking the kids out in that state at all even if someone is with him.

Can you really not see how serious this threat was to your dc's, you should still call the police IMVHO.

Original poster
onlyone · 20/08/2010 22:33

I am well aware how serious it was and both he and I have worked out a solution to let them see him - but in a safe environment, never on his own, I am taking him to his doctors appointments and this happened about a month ago so things much more settled.

She continues to do other things that are also awful.

Shouting and screaming at their father is not going to help anyone in the long term- I need to vent on someone and she has been fairly awful, can not do it to her face as she may well be in the DCs life for a long time. All very frustrating.

OP posts:
nickschick · 20/08/2010 22:37

I cant understand why your first thought was your ex dh,his welfare his state of mind etc etc - even with my own dh who isnt an ex if he was feeling like that our children would still be my first concern,I dont think im ott in saying that,when you become a parent those children come first,and immediately you should have informed the police and they in turn would have gotten your ex some support for that immediate time - another unhinged woman isnt the best support.

You need to step back and allow him to have a relationship with your dc a 'safe' relationship,but let him help himself - he doesnt 'need' you he opted out of that when he chose his 'latest slut' - also id like to add that regardless of your feelings for her she is having a relationship with your dc and you need to be supporting them in dealing with that not resorting to names however true they may be.

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 20/08/2010 22:42

Why are you taking him to doctors appointments?
Surely for him or his gf to take responsibility for?

Have you been separated for long?

wineandroses · 20/08/2010 23:09

Seems to me you are much more concerned with your ex's new partner than with the welfare of your children. Sort out your priorities. At least she is ringing you so you know if something is wrong. Even if she is crazy sounds like the issue re yr dcs safety is your ex so stop focusing so much on the new girlfriend (and frankly calling her a slut just makes you sound jealous and resentful).

scottishmummy · 20/08/2010 23:23

you are maligning wrong person.he is the dad he should be responsible except he isnt he is you describe labile in mood and chaotic presentation

less about new woman
focus upon the dc dad and his alleged abilities/fragilities

BarmyArmy · 20/08/2010 23:27

Over-reaction - she sounds weird but you don't get to dictate his life.

It sounds like she was being manipulative but not him.

Please, do not become yet another mother who uses any discord to reduce and finally cease contact between a father and his children.

loopyloops · 20/08/2010 23:39

CALL THE POLICE NOW FOR GOD'S SAKE AND REPORT THIS

I'm sorry to be abrupt, but do you care about the safety of your children? If you do, then report this.

BarmyArmy · 20/08/2010 23:44

loopyloops - nice, measured and self-indulgent reaction.

How ridiculously selfish.

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 20/08/2010 23:45

I agree that you should call the police. Not only do your children need checking on but it's also assault to contact someone and tell them that their children are in immediate danger of harm when they are not, it's designed to cause mental harm, it's assault. Call them, she's sick.

scottishmummy · 20/08/2010 23:53

any childcare concerns call SW duty team out of hours number,police

Original poster
onlyone · 21/08/2010 09:03

My DCs are my absolute concern and always have been - hence why I have them and not her. She wants them to make life easier and complete her family. This is not the first drama she has created and sure not the last one but this is the sickest.

Incident logged with the Police a week or so later - so am not completely stupid.

BarmyArmy seems to be the only person on my wave length here. He is not suicidal and never has been, upset yes but he says he has never wanted to take his own life or claimed it - doctors reports etc seen and I am involved because these are our DCs and I have to trust he is OK and not prepared to take his word alone. I do not want him to lose contact with his kids and will not use this as a reason to do so, but I do have to understand what is going on. The kids love their Daddy and he them but their safety and welfare is both our number one concern

However, it turns out that she was the one saying he was going to take his own life and that of the DCs, not him, she is the one who phoned me to tell me but would not tell me where they were when she was claiming this was happening - so I either believe her or him. If I believe him then she is one seriously sick cow or I believe her and my children are not safe.

I may not have explained my self well in the original post but am amazed at how many people here think my reaction to her is unreasonable. It has been a horrendous six weeks since this happened for all of us, his choice to go in the first place and whilst I may not be happy at the split, this incident coupled with other stunts she has pulled really has confirmed to me that whilst I can not change the father and he does have rights - I can protect my kids from her so am in the process of getting legal advice on how to handle her.

OP posts:
shimmerysilverglitter · 21/08/2010 09:14

I sort of get where you are coming from OP actually. You know your ex P well I should imagine, knowing MY ex as I know him, if I got this call I would be like Hmm and my first thought would be to contact HIM and find out wtf was going on. I presume you have not noticed any suicidal tendancies before now for that have been to your response.

She sounds like a manipulative person who was jealous of him seeing his kids and seeing you when picking them up so decided to put a big old spanner in the works.

I DO agree though that logging this with the police is necessary. Just in case and not only that she sounds a bit unhinged quite frankly.

Seriously though don't refer to women as sluts, it's just not on and has a connotation that it is out of all proportion to casual use. It is a word that should not exist imvho. Plenty of other words to describe a person for this kind of behaviour.

Claw3 · 21/08/2010 09:25

My first thought would be to contact my ex after a text like that. But when i could not get hold of him, i would have phoned the police.

Once you got hold of him he was crying, feeling bad about life etc, etc. Maybe not suicidal, but perhaps in no state to be taking care of children.

She might well of over reacted, but id certainly be thinking about future unsupervised visit, with a pair like this.

tribpot · 21/08/2010 09:38

OP I think part of the problem is that you weren't clear in your original post that the events you described hadn't happened that day.

Since then it would seem certain changes have been made:

  • he only has supervised contact with the dc
  • he is seeking medical help for his mental health problems.

You are focusing a lot of rage on this other person, and she sounds dreadful, but the only real question is how your dc can have safe contact with their dad. Supervised definitely the way to go, for his sake and theirs. Thus no need for contact between you and her.

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 21/08/2010 10:08

It sounds very much as though you are holding out hope for a reconciliation
You sound very resentful towards this woman, and whilst she does sound dreadful, I suspect you would hate her regardless of her behaviour

You need to take a step back
He is with someone else now- his doctors appointments and mental health status are no longer your responsibility
Your dcs welfare is your only concern

Don't let him play you
He left, he needs to take the pain and the fall out on the chin

Try to move on, it will be your best revenge
Pretend you are over him- and in time you won't be acting anymore

Giddyup · 21/08/2010 10:17

Barmy Army are you reading the same thread as everyone else?

Megatron · 21/08/2010 10:26

Why does she even have your mobile number? Ignore her and concentrate on your children and yourself.

pagwatch · 21/08/2010 10:31

I am not really understanding this tbh

You OP seemed to be atlking about all of this as if it has just happened but subsequent posts talk about it being a month ago and the police were told about a week later.
Is that right?
What did the police say?

I honestly cannot understand why, when your ex p needs mental health support and you need to be focussing upon how he is accessing that. And how to keep your children safe in the meantime, your focus is this other woamn.

I think you need to be aware that your anger at her is pointless and worse, it is actually damaging because all your raging at her is deflectingfrom the fact that your childrens safety should be your only concern here.

I think I would have posted ..."any advice please re depressed exp and contact" rather than "AIBU to hate that slut"

Stop wasting your energy on stupid petty shit.

loopyloops · 21/08/2010 10:41

Barmy Army - ????

proudnsad · 21/08/2010 13:29

God almighty. The three of you are not exactly providing a healthy, safe or stable environment are you? Yes three, you included if you are bizarrely concentrating on this 'slut' (shudder at the word).

Also you say you have never been in such a panic in your life and in the next breath you say you knew she was exaggerating hence no police call on your part. Which one is it?

You say you are surprised people are sticking up for OW. They are not. They are pulling you up on your very dubious priorities.

Katisha · 21/08/2010 13:48

Like pagwatch I am very unclear about when this actually happened. The OP sounds like it was yesterday yet you say you logged it with the police a week later?

JustAnotherManicMummy · 21/08/2010 13:52

It is very unclear who of the parties involved in this are actually unwell or any of the other labels being bandied about by the OP.

Very strange fixation with other woman. Op do you actually want to be in a relationship with your ex and can't accept it's over?

Pancakeflipper · 21/08/2010 13:58

I get the manipulation by her. But what does worry me is that when you contacted him - he was not skipping happily with the kids oblivious to the mayhem of his apparent despair. He actually is in a distressed state.

So she may have been behaving in a ridiculous extreme manner but he is crying out for help... She was right there. Don't let him take them without you or another responsible adult with him until he's back on track emotionally.

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