My son climbs in beside us!!

[dmd34]

I work full time i live with my youngest son aged 4. His father left when he was 6 months old and didn't maintain contact. I started seeing someone about 15 months ago. Unfortunately i have no family support or friends with plenty spare time to lend a hand babysitting, this has put a great deal of strain on our relationship. My son falls asleep in his own bed, but more often than not at some point he wakes up and climbs in beside me. It wasn't much of a problem when i was on my own, but since beginning this relationship i have tried to take steps to stop this occurring. One being that i wont properly sleep as i am aware this is causing tension, so when he does wake up i will go through to his room and comfort him, usually am absolutely shattered and end off falling asleep beside him. Boyfriend then gets upset that i have fallen asleep in his bed!! i can't win!! my sons cottoned on to this sometimes he makes no noise and just comes through and climbs in unnoticed. Boyfriend not happy, moaning that he doesn't get a good sleep or enough room!!

your bf is BVU this is your son its what he has always done, yes take steps to avoid it if you want but if you fall asleep with your son he cant really argue.

I don't think your boyfriend is being unreasonable. I can totally see why he doesn't like it, I wouldn't want to share a bed with my partners child either plus it may be creeping him out, say if the boy tells the teachers that he sleeps with you and your boyfriend, it would sound pretty weird?! Yes you and your son come as a package and your son should come first. Nevertheless your bloke shouldn't have to share the same bed as him!

You will have to start being firmer with your son about staying in his own room. You and your boyfriend are entitled to have the bed to yourselves and if he's coming in every night when do you guys get to have sex, you should still be in the honeymoon period of your relationship?

Maybe he can come in now and again on a Sunday for a treat but he must stay in his own bed for the majority of nights and I don't think you should sleep in your sons bed either, you should be sleeping next your bloke. Maybe I sound harsh but I remember my parents putting a quick and early stop to any of us kids wandering into their room at night. Once caught them at it after they'd banned me, that served me right, didn't go in there again!

Is there room for an extra little bed in your room for your son to come into?

your bf is BU. maybe as part of a long term stategy you coudl work on gettign your son to sleep through without coming in but you can not just turf him out just because you have a BF. You and your partner are entitled in the long term to have the bed to yourself but many parents (myself included) still have 4 year olds in bed with them. Children are not all perfect - they all have their less than perfect points and this is his. If your bf can not live with this, then how supportive will he be when if othe rproblems develop as your little boy grows up? Have you talked to him about different parenting strategies? Maybe your ds feels a bit threatened still by his presence in your life? Maybe he woudl fel mor esecure if he and your bf did things together on theri own? How much interection is there between them?

If you weren't with your boyfriend would you mind your son sleeping with you? It doesn't sound like your boyfriend gets young children and while I can understand him feeling resentful you also have to take the bad with the good when you hook up with someone with a child.

You have to make it so your son is happy in his bedroom, reward him when he stays and don't ever let him think you don't want him in your bed because of the boyfriend.

I think it's a security thing. Your DS wants your love and comfort and might be feeling a bit pushed out because of the bf. Your DS will grow out of it, maybe when he starts school. My DS was a regular visitor in the night, but we just put up with it and he has just grown out of it (he's 4.10). I always thought it was an emotional thing and didn't like pushing him out in the middle of the night.

my dss used to sometimes sleep with us at around that age and I did find it a bit comfortable both physically and mentally so understand pov of bf. that said I had come into relationship knowing dss came first (quite rightly) so put up with it.

now we have a 4 year old (plus a few more) i still find it uncomfotable sharing a bed.

think it should be up to you though and not push your child out. I found explaing to my ds that I can't sleep was enough to stop his nightly visits but with dss that was up to dh.

Your BF is being unreasonable if he thinks your DS should change something he has always done.

I have done the reward thing taken things he likes away and giving them back after a full night in his own bed along with lots of praise. i have also have explained to my DS that its hurts my back and there isn't enough room in my bed for all three of us and his bed is special because it is made for little boys who sleep all by themselves. Besides this my BF and DS have a gd relationship they get on well together and for my DS my BF is a much wanted and needed father figure. I can understand my BFs discomfort. I realise it is not ideal and i can imagine my son explaining to some other person wouldn't sound to healthy. I believe he will grow out of it, my older 2 boys did at about 5 years old. I think my BF problem is the lack of our "alone" time, i have shown him your replies and hopefully something constructive will come from it. thanks to everyone for their input!!1 xx

i think your boyfriend needs to realise that your son comes first

he is used to coming into your bed. there is nothing wrong with him doing so.

you can't expect a 4yr old to change just because your new boyfriend wants you to.

that isnt to say you can't encourage him to stay in his own bed. but please don't do it just because your other half is having a flap about it

Maybe your bf could fork out for a baby sitter so you could go out alone for a meal or does he just mean he is fed up about no sex?

how about trying pure rewards - ie rather than takin gsomething away just give him something. My friend found a start chart with a reward choosen by the child (it was avisit to a ball pit) worked. Ask him what he wants, or get hm to choose, and tell him he can have it when he gets so many starts/stickers etc. You can get lovely sticker charts on e-bay in all different characters.

I can understand you bf's point of view. Yes your son should come first in most things but this is one area where I believe your bf has a right to make a stand.

Your bf sees you as a separate entity to your son, a sexual being - that is great and therefore understandable that he may feel that enough is enough. He is after all four and most children are sleeping through the night by then - sorry that probably doesn't help but I'd be pretty impatient if I were your bf is this position.

I'm not saying you should turf your son out in a cold hearted manner straight away but slowly over time you should be strongly encouraging him to stay in his bed.

How about starting off with a ready bed in your room for him to climb into? At least it gets him out of your bed - and he may realise that it's not that much fun and he'd rather stay in his own bed?!

Clearly I'm in the minority here and will probably get flamed for having a differing opinion but I do find sometimes that the reason why some relationships become strained or fall apart is because there is so much focus on the wants and needs of the child that one of the adults, often the man, is emotionally neglected.

Dmd34 and her son were alone together for the first nearly 3 years of his life and he has clearly become used to that. However, she also now has a partner and he needs to be respected. I think your bed should be for your relationship, its not fair on your partner to have share you every night with a child. If you keep it up he may leave and I know some on here will say 'good riddance your son comes first' I think you'd be making a mistake because he clearly has been understanding and has compromised for the last 15 months (being there as a father figure to our son when his own father wouldn't step up to the plate) but now its your turn to be giving him consideration and compromising.

Your son comes first but he can learn to sleep in his own room, (he'll get used to it)so you can have time to spend on your developing relationship. I know I don't sound very girl power and maybe un-feminist but I really believe trying to make your man happy within reason (and I think teaching your son to stay in his bed so you and your partner can sleep together is reasonable) is the key to a healthy and long relationship.

Sorry - not just a sexual being I hasten to add.

I agree with capricorn. It doesn't have to be all or nothing, or either or. You don't have to make a blanket choice between them, but I agree that there should be clearly defined boundaries in SOME areas where out of respect your dp comes first. This is the case with my dh, and we share our own children! So it should certainly be the case with your new partner.

I think if 2 adults share a bed they are both entitled to say who is in there with them.

My dh cannot sleep well if one of the boys joins us, so they are not allowed to (unless ill in which case he moves). I wouldn't mind co-sleeping and ds2 would frankly love it but there you go - it has to work for everyone.

At 4 your son needs to learn to stay in his own bed and stay there on his own. Okay to have mum cuddle up for a bit at bedtime, but I would not let my 4 YO DS to climb into bed with us in the night, nor would I sleep in his bed with him.

Agree with your BF, on this one.

the op hasn't said her child shares her bed the whole night. just that he comes in at some point

i have a perfectly good sex life, and at least one of my kids (usually more) end up in bed with us at some point during the night

having space with your partner and your children is not mutually exclusive you know

and an adult is far better equipped to deal with "problems" such as this than a child is.
the partner has the maturity (or not) to deal with this situation and see that the child comes first. the child is just that... a child, and as such deserves all the comfort and security from his mother that he demands

and who said sex can only happen at jnight in a bed anyway??????

thisis, it's not just about sex though - it's about sleep (quality and quantity of it) and personal space. I'm not sure I'd want to regularly share a bed with another person's child. Why would I?

Leave the boyfriend to one side of this thread for now.

DS did this, at about the same age. It was after we left Egypt, and were staying at my mums. DS doesn't do change all that well, he accepts it, but doesn't like it.

He used to creep in with me, and for a quiet life, and I was in a King sized bed, so he didn't disturb me I let him do it for a while, but told him that his bed was his bed and mine was mine.

We moved to a rental house and again he did the same. I told him that he couldn't sneak in with me during the week and if he did, I would take him back to his room, tears or no tears, as he had nursery the next day and needed to sleep properly.

There were a couple of times I had to walk him back, telling him that I loved him, but that we both needed to sleep properly as we had school in the morning.

Important to be consistent and strong here!!

Then I told him that it was time he slept in his bed and me in mine, all night, he accepted it.

dmd34, your DS more than likely IS reacting to the new man in your life. He needs reassurance, if letting him stay for a night or 2 a week is not an option, then you are going to have to be strong, and take him back to his bed every time. Talk to him about it before he goes to bed, explain what you expect of him.

Now to the BF... you need to sit him calmly down and explain that this is a tricky time for ds, his age, the new man in his mum's life, but that you are aware of the issues of the sneaking into bed and will put a stop to it. HOWEVER that he is your son, and therefore you need to lead this process and he, the BF, must be more understanding. It's difficult for a 4yo to understand all of this, and it's your job to help him, and the BF job to back you up and support this process for as long as it takes.

He still is a little boy, he just needs a little help to get through this.

FWIW, the more he supports you and backs your position and is patient with your ds, the faster your ds will be able to get over this.

If your BF makes a fuss about this, tbh better to tell him to sling his hook, cos he is on the borderline of overstepping the mark. We all know it doesn't get any better when they move in.... only worse, so if he is taking this all badly, it's a pale red flag for me.