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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel a bit crappy...

23 replies

puddinmama · 20/08/2010 11:42

Hi

basically I got a job, after claiming benefits for 7 years yep u read right, its full time and its only £6 an hour 36 hours a week, but to me its a job

now dh is sitting with a sour face and keeps mumbling 'what about the kids'

so now instead of feeling yay about at last being free from benefits, I feel like a crap mother who is deserting her family.

fgs I'm sure that over 2 million woman in the uk have to work also

he isnt working yet he has upped his search considering I'm now have a job, but he only wants graphic design work, not minimum wage like me as he just sees things differently

when I calculated how much I would be earning ok fair enough it isnt much more than benefits but its still earned, he's like 'its just the same' eh hello so what its still my earned money

this is going to be a real test on this marriage, am I in for a nightmare time

sorry for the long post

OP posts:
kreecherlivesupstairs · 20/08/2010 11:43

YADNBU, good for you, sounds like you have more than one child IYSWIM. The job will be good for your self esteem. Is it possible that he is a bit jealous?

ilovespinach · 20/08/2010 11:44

sounds like he is jealous...

matumble · 20/08/2010 11:44

if he isnt working at the moment surely he can have the kids?

well done on getting a job, hope you enjoy it

mountainmonkey · 20/08/2010 11:47

Surely as long as somebody is looking after your children then what's the problem. Sounds to me like this isn't about the kids at all, he has a problem with you earning your money while he's unemployed (and it sounds like he could get a job if he wanted to).

Well done on finding yourself a job, it sounds like its already having a positive impact on your self esteem. YABU to feel crappy- don't let your DH drag you down.

pointissima · 20/08/2010 11:47

Congratulations on getting the job! The world needs more people like you.

Working does not make you a bad mother, especially when dh is at home to look after them. You will be giving all sorts of positive messages: (i) working is better than relying on benefits; (ii) looking after children is a man's job as well as a woman's; (iii) that work will give you opportunities for grwoth and improvement.

Be as pleased with yourself as you should be- it's hard to get a job at them moment and you have succeeded

Lavitabellissima · 20/08/2010 11:47

Good for you, just because you are starting on a minimum wage doesn't mean you'll stay on it.

I am pregnant and work a 50 hour week, 36 hours sounds wonderful. You are also setting a good example to your children and it's good to get out of the house and meet new people. I really enjoy my job Smile I hope you do.

Don't listen to him, you've probably just made him feel guilty!

kayah · 20/08/2010 11:49

well done for getting your new job :)
we all have to start somewhere ....

ben5 · 20/08/2010 11:54

well done. it's a job and something to be proud of. tell him you're now paying his wage so he can look after the kids!
hope you enjoy your new job. when do you start?

AlgebraRocksMySocks · 20/08/2010 12:01

YABU!

YOU should not feel crappy! Don't let him ruin your success with his (what sounds like) jealousy.

you should be damn proud. well done, and good luck with your job!

Pancakeflipper · 20/08/2010 12:01

Good on you. Don't feel crappy. Feel proud. You are setting your kids a fine example. Ok you say it's not much more than benefits but hopefully you'll feel satisfaction, maybe meet new people, might be start of something good.

You are not dumping the kids -presume you've thought the logistics of childcare through. You are trying to provide security for your family.

atswimtwolengths · 20/08/2010 12:19

Has he not been working for seven years? If so, is he used to you doing all the childcare?

sapphireblue · 20/08/2010 12:26

congratulations on the job!! Sounds to me like he is either jealous or doesn't fancy looking after the DCs on his own......does he do his equal share of childcare at the moment?

Angelcat666 · 20/08/2010 12:53

It may start off on minimum wage (although that's nothing to be ashamed of) but it doesn't mean you'll stay on minimum wage. Good on you for getting a job, at least you'll be able to say you earned it.

As for your DH, tell him to grow up.

VinegarTits · 20/08/2010 12:57

Your DH is an arsehole about this, so what if the job is not much more than the benefits atm, its a step on the ladder and who knows where it may lead

Original poster
puddinmama · 20/08/2010 13:21

Hi

thanks for the encouragement, yes my dh hasnt actually worked full time in 7 years, so we have been on benefits all that time, he did retrain as a graphic designer, but I just got fed up waiting and honestly I have always intended to work, and yes he is being an arsehole, but it all depends on how far he is going to take this as I honestly can't see me living in a stressful home situation so he is going to have to get over himself

yes he does do his share of child care but he has this thing in his mind that I just need to be here in the house, even if the children are with him, mum just needs to be around

he helps with housework but rarely would he cook, I know I'll be doing the cooking either before or after work, and probably the bulk of housework, as he just doesnt seem to bother as much as me, he has never cleaned a bathroom, must be beneath him or something

I know he sounds like an ejit right now but I can this being a make or break issue with me

OP posts:
Lavitabellissima · 20/08/2010 15:27

Buy a slow cooker, you can just bung everything in before you go to work and it's ready when you get home. I love mine Smile

Congrats again!

BarmyArmy · 20/08/2010 15:46

Well done you!

I suspect he is suffering from wounded pride. No excuse for his being an ar&e though. Try and use this to spur him on to get work himself. If he's not out "bringing in the money" and you are, he has absolutely zero excuse for not pulling his weight around the house.

Again, very well done you! We need more people like you and less like him!

MrsMorgan · 20/08/2010 15:53

Congratulations Smile

It really annoys me when people do this. I am due to start a new job in a couple of weeks. I'm a single mum and will be working 30 hours.

My mum, xp, and even my lone parent advisor have all said that they think I am taking on too much and xp even said i'd only last a day.

Point is, I applied for loads and loads of jobs, most at around 20 hours, but this one was the only one I got offered.

Original poster
puddinmama · 20/08/2010 16:17

Hi

he still hasnt congradulated me, you know what I don't care am gonna give out to him once he gets off the phone beside me

am off to food to ask about slow cookers

MrsMorgan, it feels great doesnt it when people put you down (sarcasm attempt)good luck with ur new job

OP posts:
MrsMorgan · 20/08/2010 16:48

Thank's puddinmama, you too.

Ryuk · 20/08/2010 17:02

Congratulations on getting the job. (And to you, MrsMorgan.) It's not the same as being on benefits, as this way you might get promoted, or be able to use the employer's reference and experience on your cv to get a higher paid job later on, and if it's something you enjoy (or even if just being able to work gives you more self-esteem, as it does a lot of people) then it'll be psychological beneficial.

If you're working 36 hours, and your husband isn't, he should do more childcare and housework. And should learn to cook. Not necesarrily take over these things, but certainly do enough to equalise the energy both of you are spending. Otherwise it's unfair.

helenbalancelife · 21/08/2010 08:59

Good for you and well done on the job. I think it's brilliant that you want to get a job and get more income for your family.

Even if it's the same or a tiny bit more than you get on benefits it's a start to something new - maybe you can progress from the job you have in time and earn more, and think what it will do for your self-esteem and confidence.

Change often makes people feel scared. Maybe he's down on you as he hasn't got a job himself? But sometimes that's just the way it works.

Remeber a) he has said "what about the kids" but given that he is currently at home anyway what is the problem?
b) loads of women work for loads of reasons. There are ways to manage - share out chores round the house, buy a slow cooker, cook family meals at weekends then freeze them.

Don't let him take the wind out of your sales and remeber what you have achieved already - and how much more you can maybe achieve in the future as a result. Yes change of any sort will test a relationship but what do you both want for your family now and in the future?

I suspect you know already what you want in the future. Good luck and congrats again

StudiousSal · 21/08/2010 09:23

Well done you, tell him to sod off at least your providing for your family whilst he try's to land the "dream" job.

You will get so much more satisfaction, adult conversations, social network etc, I also found my DC are better off too, as I spend quality time with them now, days out when I have my day off, sod the housework Grin.

I work because I have to, it gives me pride that, yes I can manage a full time job and raise 2 DS single handedly, but also the fact that even if it's only £10 more a week than I could get on benefits, thats £10 towards a nice break somewhere for us, or a treat that we would never have got on benefits.

You never know he may enjoy being a stay at home dad, could he not look for freelance work, to do at home, best of both worlds.

Enjoy your new job and good luck.

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