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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

1st Pregnancy.

22 replies

debbie1412 · 20/08/2010 08:59

Hi all,

I don't know how it is in other areas and i feel kinda bad complaining about the NHS.
BUUUUUTTTT I feel let down with my Ante natal care. I feel rushed when i have my check ups, I've now had 6 check ups all with different midwifes. We go through the motions blood pressure, urine, heart beat then wham bam thank you mam see you in 4 weeks, i don't feel advised or personnel or put at ease. We don't talk about feelings or worries or plans i feel cheated. Im 38 wks next week and we have not discussed labour or what to expect. We are attending a birthing class this weekend but il feel strange talking about fears in front of strangers my next appt is not until the end of 39 wks so god knows if il even make that appt.
It just wasn't how i thought it would be

Am i being unreasonable ?

OP posts:

innocuousnamechange · 20/08/2010 09:02

You feel cheated? If you have concerns then you have to bring htem up in the appointment. As upsetting as it is, and I know I was the same when I was pg, they are extremely busy and tbh won't have time to talk about your feelings unless you bring it up. If you are depressed then your GP is a better bet than your midwife

BikeRunSki · 20/08/2010 09:03

I am sorry you feel like this. I certainly didn't (2 years ago). I am sure that the midwives don't intend to be so brisk and are suffering from underfunding and understaffing as much as the rest of the public sector. Have you raised your birth, or feelings with them?

ShadeofViolet · 20/08/2010 09:03

Have you brought any worries you have up?

Galena · 20/08/2010 09:04

You feel like you aren't getting the care you want. I don't know if that's unreasonable, but I'd like to just say that when I experienced bleeding at 26 weeks and went into labour at 27 weeks they were just brilliant. Took time to explain things and reassure. DD was then born at 27+4, and experienced superb care that cost the NHS thousands. My exprience was great.

Shaz10 · 20/08/2010 09:08

That's what I got. I thought it was normal, not sure what else I would have wanted TBH.

dahu · 20/08/2010 09:09

I think a BU. There are a lot of time constraints.
Do you have worries, have you broached these with your MW?
Was this a planned pregnacy? If it is, the ante-natal team probably think you are in a postition to have researched/ read up on pregnacy.
I do think you should be prepared for the labour though and 38 weeks does seem a bit late to be offering the birthing class. It sounds like the birthing class is one you are paying for. Were you offered birthing/ante natal classes on the NHS?

CuppaTeaJanice · 20/08/2010 09:20

Mumsnet is a great place for discussing feelings, worries and plans about pregnancy and birth! Why don't you tell us what you'd have liked to talk to your midwife about? Maybe between us we can help...

Astronaut79 · 20/08/2010 09:27

Presumably they're not worrying about your pregnancy - enjoy it. They'll soon tell you when something's not right. My apps were like this all the way through - until they spotted a heart murmur on DS at 31 weeks. They spend lots of time with you then. Cue lots of tears and worry, along with more apps and scans; ecg on teh poor litle buggar at 3 hours old and....heart murmur'd vanished!

addictedisgettingexcited · 20/08/2010 09:30

for my first couple of appointments i felt like this, then my mum said 'why dont you talk to her about it?' and i said 'because she has never bought it up' and my mum looked at me and said 'shes not a mind reader, she sees lots of people every day, some are 1st timers and need lots of help, some 1st timers dont, some are on their 6th child and know what they want and whats going to happen so dont need to go in to detail. You need to ask questions and discuss things with her, she isnt going to bring it up.'

So since then i've asked questions, told her how i'm feeling and asked advice and she has been very helpfull and has been more than happy to spend time with me. Just ask questions about what you want to know.

ILoveDonaldDraper · 20/08/2010 09:33

If you want another appointment before you get to 39 weeks because there are concerns you have that you want to discuss - then ASK for another appointment! I did this and they were quite happy to give me one.
If you have questions etc then you have to ask them - they are not mind readers.
There are separate NHS (free) or NCT/Hypnobirthing classes available in almost every town - if you felt underprepared you should have signed up for one of those.
If you have specific questions now - ask on MN - usually people are really helpful about answering.
I think you are being a bit unreasonable - its your pregnancy and your responsibility to make sure you feel prepared for the birth, and to ask for help if you think you need it.

atmywitssend · 20/08/2010 09:36

My midwife prioritised the higher risk women / pregnancies so if may well be that they consider you low risk and not in ned of support. If this is how you feel, then you must speak to them to get the reassurance that you need. As Donald Draper says they are no mind readers and could wrongly be assuming that youu have no concerns as you are not asking! Good luck!

Firawla · 20/08/2010 09:36

this is normal really so i think yabu a bit
try to get some support from elsewhere, they wont really give it at your ante natal apts but maybe you can go to a group for expecting mums or something like that? or talk to friends/family, or on here
i think if you book for a homebirth though they try to send the same midwives to see you so you get more continuity of care? (so i heard, never had a homebirth myself..) but definitely in london for the hospital births its as you described, unlikely to see the same person twice.

mendipgirl · 20/08/2010 10:44

I think this is normal, but I don't think YAB completely U, My first pregnancy, my midwife went off long-term sick so I saw a number of different midwives who didn't really do much other than blood pressure and check baby's heartbeat. All said I was fine, baby was fine and in the right position, was even suggested I had a home birth, then went into labour and got to the birthing centre and they immediately realised the baby was breech, sent to big hospital, scan, EMCS, panic, panic, panic! So I don't think they did a good job, and I have no faith whatsoever in midwives and would definitely shout if you have concerns. Don't even get me started on how useless they are when it comes to BF!

sapphireblue · 20/08/2010 12:45

sounds normal to me. It's a midwife appointment, not a counselling session. If you have any queries or concerns it's up to you to raise them.........the midwife isn't a mind reader. Plus she probably has a waiting room full of other people to see.

clouddragon · 20/08/2010 12:51

I think the antenatal classes are aimed at cover that sort of thing. It seems to me you are having them a bit later than is best.

Come join one of the antenatal threads and share your worries, people will help out.

The midwives don't really have the time to do all the antenatal stuff individually, so you really need to voice your opinion. (Good practice for doing it if you ever have a poorly child and aren't happy with their care).

good luck

sapphireblue · 20/08/2010 12:55

just re-read my post and it sounds really harsh ......

Of course it's completely normal to have worries and questions when it's your first pregnancy. It's also not ideal that your birthing class has been left so late (would have been too late for me with both my DDs!). Do pop over to the antenatal thread though and don't be afraid to grill your MW.....it's what they're there for.

TonariNoTotoro · 20/08/2010 13:02

Why not just give her a call and ask for an appointment in the next week to discuss your birth plan? She should have spoken to you about it really, but you could have just asked her :)

sloanypony · 20/08/2010 13:06

Sounds like you are having a fairly straightforward pregnancy, which is a good thing. I think you need to take the lead more, as they are busy and they wont bring these things up with you as they are not actual medical concerns. If you are worried or need info you have to take the lead.

And you probably will make it to your 39 week appointment...and your 40 week one, and your 41 week one, and your 42 week one...

Effjay · 20/08/2010 13:11

YAB a bit U. The midwife is inevitably focused on the medical side of things and it sounds like your check ups are routine, so there's nothing to worry about and she's happy with your progress.

One time, I had an appointment with a midwife immediately after she'd found out one of her mums had had a stillbirth and she was in tears. I asked her why she was so upset, but she wouldn't tell me - I overheard her tell someone outside the door.

You don't know the other things they are dealing with. So, be thankful that your checks are routine and it seems the baby is well.

It's worth using MN for other worries, concerns as it's very good .

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 20/08/2010 13:13

YABU.

You need to bring these things up if you want to talk about them, but really your midwife is not there to talk about your feelings or whatever, they are there to ensure that you are having a healthy pregnancy.
If anything is bothering you then of course raise it, but it's not realistic to think that you can have private conversations about your hopes and fears - I think most midwives are stretched as it is.

breatheslowly · 20/08/2010 15:00

It took me quite a while to realise that no one is as interested in my pregnancy as I am, and this goes for MW doubly so as they deal with it all the time.

My MW appointments have seemed rushed when I have brought stuff up, but when I have just treated them as routine tests they have been long enough. On the other hand I have been seen on time for most of my appointments which surprised me as they are only 15 min long.

I have seen a few different MW but when I asked just to see one for continuity of care this has been accommodated (though this does mean that I am not seen on the same day of the week, so not exactly on 38 weeks, but this doesn't matter to me), but I did have to ask.

The MW hasn't asked me about birth/worries etc and there are plenty of unticked boxed in my notes, but I have read plenty and discussed issues with DH - who will be there at the birth, unlike the community MW.

Someone mentioned that MW actually don't like to ask about your birth plan as it opens a whole can of worms, particularly if you haven't read anything or attended classes as they would need to teach you everything in that 15 min consulation.

To be honest you need to take control of your own care and request the care you want.

SassySusan · 20/08/2010 15:29

YANBU

Unfortunately, I think this is normal service for the NHS. I had pretty much the same experience when I was pg with DD in 2006, and felt much the same as you do.

We jumped out of the NHS system at around 18 weeks and used independent midwives instead. It is expensive - around £2,800 now, depending on where you are in the country, but it is great.

Antenatals are more frequent - and would take place at my home - and last more like 90 minutes. There was no rush, and got to talk through any worries and concerns, including teh birth plan, pregnancy niggles etc and just get to know my midwives better. Then you benefit from having the same midwives for your labour. There's lots of evidence that you get better outcomes where you know and trust your midwives, and they don't leave half way thorugh the labour when the shift changes either!

Another huge benefit of an IM is the post-natal care. We had difficulties establishing bf-ing, but my lovely IM sat and helped me for 4 hours on day 1, and 3 hours on day 2 - and then proper long follow up visits. I am still in touch with her now, years later. If I got pg again, it is reassuing to know she would be there for me.

I know we paid for this service, but the thing is EVERY WOMAN DESERVES THIS STANDARD OF CARE. You are not being unreasonable to be disappointed with the piss poor service the NHS provide.

Maybe go and look at the one woman, one midwife campaign - and it will reassure you that your feelings are quite normal.

I know you are very close to giving birth - but have you thought about engaging a doula or IM to provide support in the birth and post-natal care?

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