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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think two weeks before your wedding is a bloody stupid time to give up smoking?

17 replies

ButterpieBride · 19/08/2010 13:47

DP is quite highly strung normally and does a lot of sulking and slamming of doors, but usually keeps it under control. It is enough of an issue for me to have thought about it seriously before agreeing to marry him, and something that I am nervous about for the wedding preparations and day anyway.

Now he has decided to give up smoking.

It is the anniversary of his brothers death from cancer, which is probably a factor (although he denies it). This does however mean that everyone is very fragile, so I have to worry about sheilding his parents from his temper too.

Of course I'd love it if he could quit, but why now? He has been on the patches now for three days and is basically acting like a spoiled teenager. If it was just thinking about his brother and stress about the wedding, I would support him, no question. But when it is effectively self-inflicted I find it much harder.

If he waits till after the wedding, me and the kids could go and stay at my mums for a week or so while he gets the worst bit over with.

I can't think of anything worse than having my family and friends here trying to help get ready for the wedding while DP runs about being grumpy. He doesn't seem to see that he is being rude, either.

For example- last night I said I was going to cook some roasted veg. He said that, in that case, he was going out, because I was bound to do it wrong and annoy him. I told him that was a completely out of order thing to say, and he was baffled, then stormed off anyway.

This is not a wedding house. He needs to have a bloody fag and calm down before guests start arriving.

I'm right, aren't I?

Or should I support him in giving up smoking no matter what?

OP posts:
wukter · 19/08/2010 13:50

I'd feel the same as you but somehow it's so wrong to encourage someone to keep smoking even just for another 2 weeks.
But it's the first week that's the hardest so he should be a little calmer by the final week before the wedding...
Congrats Smile

thisisyesterday · 19/08/2010 13:51

i think i would just support him anyway. it's great that he wants to give up, and although it's not the best of timing hopefully he'll be better in a few days

Original poster
ButterpieBride · 19/08/2010 13:56

Even though he is shouting or sulking all the time, making the children and me cry, being rude to his grieving parents and everything?

Plus he tries to give up about four times a year anyway.

OP posts:
Sidge · 19/08/2010 13:57

YABU and spectacularly unsupportive.

Sidge · 19/08/2010 13:58

Ah x-posted.

Quitting smoking is no excuse for behaving like a twat.

Sounds like he needs more support - has he seen his local smoking cessation service?

southeastastra · 19/08/2010 13:58

yes keep supporting him! i stopped with patches and it didn't make me particulary snappy after a while. also the inhalator is great if he suddenly gets the urge to stick something in his mouth Grin

knitpicker · 19/08/2010 14:01

He sounds like a bit of a bully. You say he is always sulking and slamming doors. Please address how you feel about this before you marry him (did I get that right - you're getting married?). If you handle his moods, fine - if it's a problem and always has been then maybe re-think things. Giving up smoking is good but it seems to me like you need to tiptoe around him anyway.

Original poster
ButterpieBride · 19/08/2010 14:09

So I should just put up with it? How do I keep him away from family and how long will it take?

We are talking on the scale of me being up at 4 or 5am with the baby, him getting up at 7.30 (to leave the house straight away) and moaning at me that I have only done breakfast and not any cleaning or laundry, then when he gets back (after I have been working from home and looking after two kids all day plus cooking and preparing for he wedding, doing at least two sinkfuls of washing up and visiting his parents to check they are ok) stropping about, slamming doors and accusing me in front of the children of sitting on my arse all day and basically being neglectful of the kids. Apaarently if ss saw the house they would take the kids of us and if I can't cope, i need to go and work full time out of the house and put the kids in nursery all day. Then he goes to the pub, and when he came back at 10pm i got a lecture on how I should go to bed at the same time as the kids and not sit on mumsnet all the time wasting time.

I honestly am thinking of postponing the wedding. I can't marry him like this. He hasn't said a kind word to me for days.

OP posts:
Original poster
ButterpieBride · 19/08/2010 14:10

He isn't normally like this- he is normally a bit grumpy, but not in an upsetting way.

OP posts:
Original poster
ButterpieBride · 19/08/2010 14:18

I used to take antidepressants, and I chose the best time to reduce the dosage, even though they weren't exactly good for me, because I knew i would be hard to live with for few days- surely this is the same principle?

OP posts:
Original poster
ButterpieBride · 19/08/2010 14:30

Well, he just rang me and talked in a normal tone of voice, asked how the kids are and when I said the baby has been hard work, he said to relax and he would do the housework later. So, either he has had a fag or got over the worst grumpiness. I feel a bit of a fool now Blush

I'm having a brew and a headache tablet and calming down myself. I need to be calm bride-to-be/mummy/DIL today.

OP posts:
southeastastra · 19/08/2010 14:31

i know i keep saying it by the inhalator really is fab just like a fag Grin

ThatDamnDog · 19/08/2010 14:37

I think you've got 2 issues BPB - one is that he's an arse sometimes. The second is that he's stopping smoking.

The first - this is nothing new, you thought about it when it came down to marrying him etc, no surprises there - only you can know how much you'll put up with.

The second - he's stopping a habit that could kill him (and those exposed to the smoke, including your kids), which sets a rotten example to your kids and which takes enormous willpower and effort to escape from. I'm not big on weddings, I admit, but a couple of weeks of stress vs a healthy lifetime? I know what would be more important to me. Give him a break, make allowances. His health is so much more important, and in your shoes I'd both expect and prefer the behaviour you describe to him caving in and having a cigarette. I am sure he will be full of apologies and gratitude for your understanding once he's come through the worst.

Sidge · 19/08/2010 14:48

Ah this isn't so much about him stopping smoking as about him being an arse Wink

Hope he is better this evening.

ChippingIn · 19/08/2010 18:06

ButterPie
I can't believe you are still going through with the wedding :( You deserve so much more than this life. Really you do.

floweryblue · 19/08/2010 20:41

I gave up smoking a few years ago (started again after a few months) and I was a nightmare! I tried not to be but I'm afraid it was just about impossible for me not to be furious about the slightest thing. DP, who is/was a much lighter smoker than me and finds it easy to go for days without a ciggie, ended up popping out to the garden on a v regular basis for a sneaky one.

It might not seem the best time for you and the family in terms of stress, but getting married is a life landmark so maybe starting married life smoke free would be an incentive for him to stay off the fags for good.

And I'm with southeast, the inhalator was what helped me the most, part of the reason I started again was that I lost mine (giving me a perfect excuse to go the corner shop rather than back to the doc for a replacement!)
Not willing to judge whether YABU or YANBU, think it's a bit of both, for both you and your man.

sanielle · 19/08/2010 23:59

Maybe he wants to have a fresh start and what better time to do it than on your wedding day, symbol of new beginnings?

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