Aibu or do you think i have a right to be proper hacked off?

[crazyh]

Right just a bit of background im 34+4 wks with my first, a few probs with the baby being small, reduced waters means im at the hospital having scans tests etc every week, my dp comes to most of the appointments with me which I am greatful for but, we have recently just moved in to our own place after living with his mum for about 6 months, and he has been great helpin sort the flat out, decorating and buying the majority of furniture, but now it feels asif he doesnt care and that hes done his bit so he can sit and relax and do sod all. I seem to do everythin from all the house work to making his breakfast/lunch/tea, and if i so as much as ask him to make me a cup of tea I get made to feel like im being lazy, and end up makin him aswell as myself one, we spoke last night as I feel he is refusing to anything, specifically doing things for me, and he agreed he is being a bit lazy and would make an effort. I am now sat here extremely angry because I have just been woken up at half past 5 in the flipping morning by him still up watching jerry springer of all things on the tele and doing god only knows on his laptop, and he has just gone to bed which means again im going to be left to tidy up do washing etc today because he will be in bed till whatever time. I do have a right to be extremely sorry but pissed off dont I? Please someone tell me what to do about it, obviously I dont want to split up or anything drastic like that but how do I make him see he is being a selfish twat, and that he needs to wise up because he cant do this when the baby is here.

is he not working?

No not at the moment he lost his job about 2 months ago, he is making an effort to look for work though.

Well YANBU - If he is at home he needs to be looking after you and not staying up all night watching shite.

Hope he finds a job soon though.

well

you don't have to tidy up or do the washing this morning, do you?
ditto making the food etc

don't mistake how you feel about things as how he feels about things
i'm sure he couldn't think you were lazy for having a cup of tea made for you...as it's a reasonable expectation
so I have to ask, how does he make you feel lazy??
or is that something that you feel (no matter how wrong)anyway?

decide on the things that you want in your home
ask him to also decide (as he has as much right as you)
discuss them, compromise and come up with an equal plan..splitting the housework fairly

i think yabu

Ronaldinhio, no I dont have to do the washing/ tidying up this morning but its nice to have it done, as towards the end of the day I am usually to tired to do it.
I dont mind making the food I really actually enjoy cooking I just feel like it never gets done for me, and as for dp making me feel lazy, its probably because of the "get off your arse an do it yourself" followed by "oh while your at it" thrusting a cup in my direction reaction I get if I ask him to make me a drink. I know im not incapable just because im pregnant im just getting to the end of my wick about it all probably alot to do with hormones, but I just dont know how to put it to him without getting upset,I feel like screaming at him and as for the house work tryin to plan it is like mission impossible. What would you suggest as a fair way of splitting it with me being pregnant and dp having plenty of time to do it, what would in your opinion be too much to ask of him?

It hasn't got to do with your being pregnant really but that helps highlight the issue

loads of women end up doing far more that their share exactly because of things like this

that is why i'm saying sort out what the non negotiables are...
you want to tidy up because you like it to be tidy and you want it done in your time frame. When actually I'm sure it isn't a train smash if you and he don't tidy up then and there

see what he thinks of as acceptable

you might have to compromise some of your standards
he will have to compromise on many of his (by the sounds of things)

then make a plan that you can go back to when things start to look like a shit hole

if someone wouldn't make me a cup of tea I certainly wouldn't make one for them no matter what they said but I wouldn't allow myself to be made to feel lazy or to be dominated by their behaviour either
I'd tell him he was being a tool in very plain terms

if you are both at home, neither working?, then the split of work should be equal.
as you are pregnant you should do a little less

Yes we do love each other very much. One of my main concerns is that it will be worse when the baby is here thats why I want to sort it, I dont want to make excuses for him but its like hes stuck, he has had about 4 unsuccessful interviews since he has been out of work which I think is adding to the lack of motivation, he used to be the one getting annoyed at me for leaving things a mess, neither of us are clean freaks, but we somehow seemed to have swapped our thoughts on what tidyness is.

"he will have to comprimise on many of his" I think this is a tad harsh, my post is about one particular subject, there are many things I have already had to comprimise on, as has dp, and we will probably find alot more, to suggest he in someway has to live upto my standards is way of the mark and i think you may have got the wrong idea of the type of person I am, also I do not expect my dp to tidy up when I say so but to get off his arse at some point during the day to do something is a reasonable request I think!

I only do what I feel like doing. (no young children, it is an adult household) I pick up after myself, as does dh.

DH does cook a lot, and we both like cooking together. We put some music on, and enjoy it.

I suggest that you & your dp sit down with a paper and pen and have a talk. Decide what suits you both best. In some relationships both people enjoy cooking and they cook together or take turns (that would be like in our household. We have "the cook doesn't clean up" rule. If we both cook, we tidy up together usually. But often one or the other of us will do the other persons stuff, "to be nice".

Just work it out between the 2 of you

Basically, housework and cleaning should be equally shared among the adults who share the home.

If one person is working another job, the jobs may have to be less demanding, as nobody should feel like a work horse.

Making each other cups of tea is nice, but I have to say, I have never asked anyone(except a waitress/waiter in a restaurant) to make me a cup of tea, except for when I am ill or stuck in bed (sometimes, back probs)
If I want a tea, I make it. If anyone is around I'll offer them one since I'm making it anyways.

Once you have the baby and he is working, you will need to have a new that is easy on both of you. Don't let stress over housework cause any problems between you.

(He would be better off sticking to a regular schedule, the off all night is ok, but he may get depressed if he gets into that up all night routine, as will you.
And he definitely should be pulling his weight, you are supposed to be a team.

I meant the odd all nighter, not the off all night.

ok
if as you say in your opening post
you do all the cleaning
all the cooking
he won't even make you a cup of tea
calls you lazy
lies in bed all day

i suggest to you that he'll have to do a fair bit of compromising to pull his weight in the relationship with his 34 week pregnant gf

you say no this is a bit harsh???????

anyway

also for you to be happy he will have to live up to some of your standards-that is normal and it's life. Why are you defensive about this?

you aren't talking about him tidying up in his own good time you are talking about him tidying up this morning. The issue is not only that he isn't pulling his weight but also isn't behaving in the way that you want r would find acceptable
which unfortuantely involves your timescale

it will be just as bad when the baby is born but you will notice it more
be more exhausted
have less patience
have less time

Ta gtamum, I might suggest doing some of the cooking together, even though we are living together we dont really seem to be doing much together as a couple, I do feel a bit stupid for getting so wound up about it now, its seems so petty, not being made a cup of tea should be the last of my worries at the moment, and it would be ridiculous to let housework ruin our usually good relationship, I think im going to try and put it down to hormones :o

Start sending his CV out. today

Ronaldinhio- it was the "by the sounds of things" comment in brackets that I was being defensive over, as this did seem like a personal dig at me, apologies if I have took it in the wrong way

Staying up all night and lying in bed all day isn't going to find him a job is it? Sounds to me like he needs a kick up the arse as he could be getting into a downward spiral. You need to have a serious discussion about this before your baby arrives, because your life will descend into utter chaos then anyway and if you haven't got the basics of daily life agreed then it will just make it harder. All of your time will be taken up with the baby initially and you will need him to pitch in and do his share. You need to discuss it and agree some ground rules now. Try and make him understand that neither of you will have the luxury of time to be lazy when your child arrives!

Crazyh - with all due respect, you are crazy if you think you can just sweep this under the carpet and it will be OK, esp after the baby arrives!! Honestly, you're just banking up some serious resentment, otherwise. Having a baby drops a bomb into even the most stable relationship and any niggles are highlighted 100%.

Don't get defensive just because you've taken umbrage at a couple of posts. Talk it out with your DP and try to find some middle ground. And stick to it. Trust me - if you can't deal with it now, it will be much worse under the strains if sleep deprivation and all the other pressures of a new baby.

Op how will you support yor baby is dh doesn't get a job? I know it is really a crap time to be looking for work now, but that just means you have to try even harder. Staying up watching Jerry Springer is not trying harder.

OH and one more thing, being pregnant is not an illness. Fair enough. But it is at least grounds for your partner making you a cup of tea. or sending him to co-op at 9:50 to get ben and jerrys before they close