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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Divorce/consent order - is my mum being unreasonable?

39 replies

PeggyGuggenheim · 18/08/2010 22:34

My parents split up last year, much bitterness and anger. My dad is living with his new partner (the woman he was having an affair with for the last five or so years, as it transpires.)

I thought that everything was done and dusted but my mum recently said, rather gleefully, that my dad had been trying to contact her to sign a consent order and she was just ignoring his messages and his lawyer's messages. My parents had no joint assets (not even a house) and he's broke, but she thinks he might inherit some money when his mother dies, and she wants to be able to put in a claim. She says that by signing the consent order she will be forfeiting any future rights to that theoretical dosh.

NOW my dad has emailed me asking my advice! As in "How shall I approach your mother, she's ignoring my messages"........

I'm wondering, should I ask my mom to just sign and be done? Like, if he DOES inherit something, surely there are other ways he could prevent her from getting it?

God I see why one needs lawyers in this life. What a suck. Thanks anyway mumsnetters.

OP posts:
curlymama · 18/08/2010 22:41

I think your Mum should be allowed to claim some of his inheritance if she wants.

Obviously there are lots of details missing so I could be way off the mark, but if they were in a typical Mum looks after the kids, Dad earns the money type marriage, then her earning capacity has been way reduced for alot of years. She gave half her life to this man, who then has an affair and leaves her with nothing. Of course she should get some of his money. Would you have denied her that if your Dad had recieved his inheritance before the divorce?

Either way, you should just tell both your parents that you don't want to be involved, and wouldrather not hear the details. Leave them to sort it out themselves.

Original poster
PeggyGuggenheim · 18/08/2010 22:46

I agree that my mum has a RIGHT to it, of course. She was actually a much more dependable bread-winner than he was during the 35 year marriage (he was elf-employed and a bit crap) - but the point is, by refusing to sign the consent order she may just be putting his back up. And if he does inherit something, he may be able to hide it away/protect it from her anyway. But if she signed it, he might feel friendlier towards her, and then give her something after all?

OP posts:
Original poster
PeggyGuggenheim · 18/08/2010 22:47

Lol. Elf-employed. That would have explained a lot maybe

OP posts:
curlymama · 18/08/2010 22:53

Oh ok, I read that like you didn't think your Mum should get anything. I'd say if there was lots of animosity during the divorce, then your Dad is unlikely to give any to your Mum. Why would he be trying to get her to sign the consent forms if he was open to sharing? Not that I have a clue about any of the legal stuff and what it means! But if she wants to try and get his back up, let her, he's obviously getting hers up by even asking.

I know it must be horrible for you to have to listen to these things from your parents, and you will naturally worry about them and wish things would settle down. But I still think you should try your best to let them sort it out for themselves. Not always easy!

BAFE · 18/08/2010 22:53

Are they divorced or just living apart?

fedupofnamechanging · 18/08/2010 23:10

I think you should tell your dad that your mum is entitled and you will not be helping him to screw her over. He appears to have managed that well enough on his own.

I don't think you should encourage your mum to do something that is not in her best financial interests and I also think your dad has no intention of sharing or he wouldn't want her to sign something that gives up her rights.

Your dad may try to hide an inheritance, but your mum should be able to track it.This obviously matters to him and I don't blame your mum for enjoying his discomfort. Natural in the circs I think

DuelingFanjo · 18/08/2010 23:15

I think you should tell your dad to stop trying to involve you and do his own dirty work.

hairytriangle · 18/08/2010 23:15

Take it from someone who knows...don't get involved, don't discuss it with either of them and let these two adults sort it out themselves!

Kewcumber · 18/08/2010 23:15

"he might feel friendlier towards her, and then give her something after all?" - I'm guessing you haven't been the child of divirced parents long!

He isn't going to give her one red cent more than he is legally forced to, he may be the one in 1000 who does but it was quite an eyeopener to ee how my previously seemingly nice father treated my mother once he left.

Stay out of it - in fact run, run like the wind in th eopposite direction...

Original poster
PeggyGuggenheim · 18/08/2010 23:20

Thanks guys. Since my mum doesn't intend to sign anything (and she's worked it all out by herself) I think the advice that you've all given me - TO STAY OUT OF IT - is the best thing to do. Thanks all!

OP posts:
LookToWindward · 18/08/2010 23:21

Why on earth would she be entitled to it? This isn't income that one party has earned with the support of the other during the marriage. If it were an investment due to mature or a pension that had been built up by him while they were together then absolutely but their relationship would be irrelevant to any inheritance that he might receive.

Regardless of who was the main breadwinner in the relationship, the inheritance would be the same.

Typically the argument is that one member of a couple would not have achieved their level of income without the support (child care, etc) of the other. This isn't the case for an inheritance.

I fail to see any moral or legal right she has to this?

And if he's really that bothered all he needs to do is have a chat with his mother about her will.

LookToWindward · 18/08/2010 23:26

And doing some reading, it's really not that hard to petition for a divorce if one party really wants it. Its more expensive and takes longer but if your father really wants a divorce then he can do it relatively easily.

purpleduck · 18/08/2010 23:28

awww I wanna be elf employed. I bet they would make really good bosses :)

Tell them to grow up and Think of The Children...YOU, and to keep you out of it.

Kewcumber · 18/08/2010 23:32

you canbe entitled to a share of an inheritance under certain circumstances = my parents were married for 35 years and her paretns died within that time and the money she inherited was considered assets of the marriage, do you not think it morally fair that she should also be entitled to a share of his mothers estate when she died?

BarmyArmy · 18/08/2010 23:40

What LookToWindward said. Sounds like money-grabbing to me.

Kewcumber · 19/08/2010 00:05

she was the more dependable bread winner for 35 years and you think she;s money grabbing Hmm

I suspect she's just being awkward.

2rebecca · 19/08/2010 00:08

In Scotland once you have separated (ie moved apart as in from last year) your mum would be entitiled to nothing your dad inherited and vice versa. Only money the couple got or accumulated via pension etc during the marriage before separation counts.
Your dad needs to consult a solicitor not you. He may have to wait 2 years to get a divorce if she won't sign. You should keep out of it. It's not fair of your dad to involve you.

ccpccp · 19/08/2010 10:02

They are technically divorced, for 5 years, and your mum thinks she has some claim on his parents estate if he inherits?

Filthy money grabbing at its worst. She has no entitlement to it and you should tell her straight that she has no shame.

She should sign the consent and let the man get on with his life.

ccpccp · 19/08/2010 10:07

Not sure where I got 5 years from there.

Note - the only way your mother would barely justified in her stance would be if he left her with a lot of his own debt, or if he isnt contributing to the upbringing of children.

Doesnt sound like thats what shes in it for though.

sanielle · 19/08/2010 10:36

You got 5 years from the length of time he'd been cheating on her...

I hope she gets the bastards cash myself.

Sorry to peggyguggenheim who is having to be stuck in the middle of it all

shimmerysilverglitter · 19/08/2010 10:40

God I fucking hate it when women in this situation are referred to as money-grabbers.

She was more dependable breadwinner for the majority of the relationship
HE was having an affair for at least 5 years before the split and is now all cosily ensconced with his new luvverrrr.....

Damn right she is entitled to something. Obviously she stuck around keeping the family together financially and otherwise, while he didn't work much and ran off with someone else. Pretty sure she didn't plan her life to turn out this way.

My horrible abusive ex and his dad used to refer to nearly all women as money grabbers even when they were actually married to them. Awful, awful way to refer to someone. And uncalled for in this situation imvho.

OP would keep out of it myself, your Mum sounds pretty clued up already.

Kewcumber · 19/08/2010 11:04

I can't beleive that people are labelling someone they don;t know a "money grabber" based on one small aspect of their 35 year marriage.

If you had been in the position of my mother and how badly she was treated by my father and how little he wanted to give her then you'd pretty quickly change your tune.

My father got his share of my mothers inheritance, he got his share of her "pension" money which had been invested in a PEP rather than a pension but she didn't get to share in his pension because it was in a proper pension in the days beofre you could realistically split a pension on divorce.

Had his mother died or been close to dying when they divorced she may legally have been entitled to a share of that money - and quite right too. As it turns out she is still going string at 93, 12 years after my parents divorce.

I those of you who have been so damning of the OP's mother never find yourself in her position after 35 years - its bloody soul destroying.

ccpccp · 19/08/2010 11:09

Ahh ok - 5 year affair. Thanks Sanielle :)

Spending 35 years together, divorcing and one half inheriting in year 36, does not give the other half any rights on that money. The assets at the point of divorce are what counts.

And I guess this is the point. OPs mum is in effect refusing a divorce because she hopes to drag things out long enough to profit from husbands mothers death.

Its pure money grabbing - there is no other way to describe it. She isnt dragging things out becasue she wants the husband back.

shimmerysilverglitter · 19/08/2010 11:14

Money Grabbing? Or taking her good old time about the legalities to ensure she gets what she is morally entitled to?

Know what I would do in this situation and if that makes me a "Money Grabber", well then I hold my hands up.

Kewcumber · 19/08/2010 11:16

Well why not she would have profited from it if he hadn't had an affair and decided to leave her after 35 years - why should he profit from cheating? Why is that fairer?

"The assets at the point of divorce are what counts." not true - it is possible to take into account potential future events. And no this isn;t the point of divorce yet because she hasn't accepted that as she is perfectly entitled to do. A consent order is just that CONSENT - if she has decided that she doesn;t agree with it she is not obliged to sign it. He will have to petition the court and they can decide what is reasonable if necessary and they may take into account his potential inheritance if they wish.

I actually don;t think she is seriously thinking she will string it out in order to get the money (unless grandma is on deaths door) she is being bloody minded - and why not. She isn't at the foothills of being as unreasonable as someone who cheated for 5 years whilst still married to her.

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